An Old-Fashioned and Traditional Girl Looking For an Old-Fashioned and Traditional Guy

Too much independence?

2012-01-18T15:32:00.006Z

Well, obviously it's been awhile since I posted here...nearly two years, how time flies! I didn't disappear, I've simply been lazy :O Who knows if anyone's even still out there...

The simple truth is that whilst I like having this blog, I find the actual writing bit to be a bit of a chore that I have to force myself to do.

I like that my thoughts are here, to remind myself of what matters to me and how my thinking changes over time...and I love that so many others seem to have similar mindsets to me, given the number of public and private comments I receive from my posts. It's lovely to know that I'm not alone in loving the idea of a more old-fashioned manner for men and women to relate to each other.

But I'm such a perfectionist that ever actually sitting down to write an entry feels like quite a task, because it feels like it will take me forever and that I won't even be happy with the end result. But I suppose it's simply a matter of no pain, no gain, isn't it? I'm always happy after I post, I always feel productive and like I made a bit more sense of my thoughts...I just have to remind myself of that when I'm inwardly whining beforehand about the prospect of writing an entry!

If anyone is actually still out there, a quick recap of the last 21 months of my life:

I spent much of 2010 in a relationship (Taken in Hand, of course)...my first, since moving to the UK in 2007. Whilst he and I are still good friends and I learned a lot about myself during our relationship, we ended things for the simple reason that our feelings just never took off to that next level.

It was heartbreaking at the time, but eventually, I was ready to move on and ready to take the never ending things I learned about myself and about what I want into my next relationship.

I spent 2011 mostly just enjoying life...just living life. I was reminded, often, that I live in an absolutely amazing city and that I'm blessed with a wonderful family and a wonderful group of friends. I was reminded that whilst my dream of this old-fashioned life hasn't come true yet, I'm not exactly living a dreary life!

And so that brings us to 2012 and the title of this entry. I'm content with my life...maybe even happy. I have numerous reasons to be happy and any modern-minded girl would probably be in heavenly bliss in my shoes. I'm gainfully employed and well respected in my field, I'm often looked to for input by people more senior than me and I'm often sought after for tasks more senior than my role should include. I live in an amazing neighbourhood with nearly everything at my doorstep. I answer to no one, I come and go as I please and I do what I please.

But some days, I can't help but fret, a bit, that I'm still looking for "him." I lament to myself that whilst I've got this amazing modern life, I'm not a modern girl and this isn't the life I really want. I wonder if it's become a self-fulfilling prophecy, to some extent. I wonder if I've waited too long. I wonder if I'm not doing what I should be doing, whatever that is, to find "him." Worse, I wonder if "he" doesn't see me as a potential "her" because I'm living this modern girl life, seeming to be a modern girl.

Since first discovering what I wanted in a relationship, I have grown to love and to be proud of the contradiction that is my personality. I used to think I needed to try to be less opinionated, less independent, in order to attract "him." But I've learned to feel that my strong opinions and independent nature don't make me any less feminine...they make me me. I've learned that, truth be told, I'm not very submissive, in general. It's that I want to relate totally differently, to my future man, than I relate to everyone else. I want to submit to him, not to the world. I've learned to trust that the right man for me won't just accept those traits in me, he'll treasure them. Because he'll understand and love that I'll submit to him because I trust him more than I've ever trusted anyone. Because he'll understand that I'll submit to him because I see him as stronger than anyone, myself included, more confident, wiser, etc. Because he'll understand that by leading me, but refusing to let me be the strong and confident one, he is giving me a gift of freedom that no one else can.

But, I wonder if I've become so comfortable and complacent in my own strength and independence that I've lost perspective of how I come across to others. It used to be that I felt myself automatically assume that the man in my company would lead me. After all, I'd made it quite clear that's what I wanted, so why wouldn't he?

But more recently, with more time and life events behind me that I led myself through, I find myself automatically assuming that the man in my company won't lead me. And when I don't immediately sense that he's a leader, I lead myself. It's an exasperating and depressing cycle.

It's jarring to think about, frustrating to realise, because I wonder if I won't let myself have what I want. It feels like my independence is taking over my life, preventing me from the life I really want. Either I'm becoming so independent that I just don't give anyone else a chance...or I've become so independent that no one sees me as needing or wanting someone else to lead. Maybe no one sees that I don't really want this modern life.

There have been a handful of men in the last few years that, without even trying or realising it, I've felt submissive toward. There was just something in their personality, in the chemistry between us, that snuck past my strong nature and made me trust their lead, trust their judgement.

But I have to wonder...do I really need that specific and seemingly rare chemistry? Or is it possible that the man strong enough to lead me needs for me to first make myself step back and follow him? Does he just need me to give him the chance to lead? Does he just need to merely see that I want him to lead?

The perfectionist in me can't help but cling to the idea that the right man is a man so strong that he'll lead me despite my own independent nature...but the realist in me thinks that the perfectionist might be being...well...unrealistic ;)

For now, I'm trying to trust the latter. Whilst I still think this contradiction in my personality will be attractive to the right man - I still value my own ability to be independent and strong - I am trying not to assume that my own strength is all I have...I'm trying to trust that if I don't decide the next step, someone else might decide for me...if I just let him :)

So we'll see what this year brings. I know it will be a fun year - the Olympics are coming, my mother is finally coming over for a visit, I'm (hopefully) becoming a permanent resident here...who knows if, amongst all that fun, I'll meet Mr. Wonderful? :)

True love and connections, a clarification

2010-04-04T20:01:00.007+01:00

It's a bit fascinating, flattering and surprising to me, but my last post caused quite a stir. I've received a number of notes from readers expressing their thoughts about the idea of true love. And it flows that in a number of those notes, readers also commented on various things I've written and the things I've said that I want in a partner.

It's been about half and half of people (men and women) agreeing and disagreeing with the idea that true love means that there are no others...and it's heartening to know that there are so many who agree and recognise how important it is :)

At the same time, debate and discussion are always good things and so I'm also interested in the reasons behind the disagreeing emails I've received. I don't want to just broadly discount all of those ideas, but I did notice a theme across most of the emails from those who disagreed with me, who said that true love isn't possible the way I described it.

The theme I saw in those emails is that many readers thought I meant that true love means you'll never even be briefly physically attracted to someone else...a stranger, a colleague, etc. And the resounding disagreement was "that's just hormones." And, drumroll please, you're all right :)

It seems there's a bit of a misunderstanding in what I meant...in reading back through my post, I realise that I kept using the word "feelings," but I never clarified what those encompass, I never further defined the word.

When I spoke of "having feelings" for someone, I was speaking of emotional involvement - and lasting physical feelings. To me, that encompasses romantic feelings toward someone, and it encompasses long-standing physical attraction to someone. It does not include just fancying a stranger who walks by, it doesn't include observing that your colleague has nice legs.

If my future husband had ongoing "what ifs" and regrets about a previous girl he'd been with, if he wished even a little that things had worked out between them, then I would feel that he didn't truly love me - that something was missing between us. Because in his ongoing regrets about her, he's investing romantic and emotional feelings in her, and taking them from me. I'm not complete to him because part of his heart wants her. If he flirted repeatedly with a female friend, I would feel that he didn't truly love me, for all of the same reasons. However, if my future husband and I were out to dinner one night and, whilst I was speaking to him, his eyes wandered briefly to an attractive woman across the room, I would giggle, raise a teasingly offended eyebrow and tease him about it - I wouldn't feel threatened by briefly wandering hormones, I'd be amused at his raging hormones and I'd know by the brief nature of it that I'm still his, that I'm still complete to him.

The difference between the two scenarios is very clear to me...my point, in my first post, is that when you're truly in love, you don't have to try not to want others, you just don't want others. And whilst I did want to further explain myself, my ideals haven't changed since I wrote my post. I'm only more convinced now than I was when I wrote that entry, that when you have truly found the magic, when you're truly in love, you want for nothing. You don't have to try and work to love your partner, you just do.

There are no regrets about the past, no lingering daydreams about life with someone else or the feeling that you're missing out on anything with anyone else...your true love is everything to you, complete to you sexually, emotionally and romantically.

I'll allow that many people don't wait for it...on the contrary, being single is seen as odd. You are supposed to be in a couple, by society's rules...and as humans, we all want companionship. And sadly, that seems to lead many people to settle for someone they love most of the time, to settle for someone who sort of excites them, to settle for someone who they want just a bit more than they want someone else - because having that person means that you at least have someone.

I'm not superhuman, I'm not better than anyone else...I'm just very passionate in my wants and very stubborn ;) I am also quite content being single...I do want very much to find The One. But I don't want someone...life can be hard sometimes, life can even be completely and utterly painful. But true love is easy...it's natural, it's constant, you don't have to try to truly love someone, the love is just there and it's magical.

So why would anyone...why would I...want to struggle and try to love someone, adding difficulty to my life, when there's a man out there that I'll just truly love, magically? Why would I want to permanently mar my currently happy life by settling for a man I'll have to work to sort of love, for the rest of my life?

They say that in order to love someone else, you have to love yourself first...and I think that the reason I can afford to be so passionate and stubborn about finding someone I truly love is that I've come to really enjoy and appreciate singlehood...and I've come to love who I've become as a woman and a person, I love the experiences I've been able to have - experiences I've been able to have because I'm single, not despite it.

It goes back to that idea about whatifs and regrets. When I hit my late 20s and really came to realise what I wanted in a man - what I still want today - I also felt a bit consumed by regret, by the whatifs of past events, decisions and past partners in my life. I felt like I had wasted time, missed out on time with my One. Eventually though, more life experience, a bit of introspection and time brought me to where I am today.

I'm in my early 30s, I've changed careers, I've moved twice (the second time to a different continent!), I've lost love, I've walked away from bad relationships, I've travelled all over the place, I've met amazing friends, I've managed to keep old friends...and through all of that, I came to be me. I developed a sense of self, a level of confidence, a level of self-assurance that I know I wouldn't have if Mr. Perfect Back Then had turned up.

I might have lucked out, he and I might still be compatible and we might even still be truly in love. But I doubt it, extremely. Early adulthood is a huge time of change, for all of us...and who you are when you start that period of your life is nearly guaranteed to be massively different than who you are when you finish it.

And whilst we all continue to change and grow throughout our lives, until our last day, I truly don't think that any time is as life-changing and vital as those years of early adulthood. So, I'm happy being single because I had the chance to experience some of the most important years of my life on my own, I got the chance to truly find me. I was free to become whoever I wanted to be, who I needed to be. I've been free to develop myself so that I can be that much more loving and happy as a wife and mother, so that I can be happy with myself.

They say we're all settling down later these days than people did in previous eras...and whilst it makes it harder to find The One, because now I have a much clearer idea of the kind of man I need and so I'm pickier...I'm also much more likely to find true love. The man I fall in love with won't be a crush, he won't be a fleeting satisfaction until I fall for someone else, he won't be the man I settled for because Mr. Wonderful got away...he'll be the man so complete, so wonderful to me that I'll truly love him. He'll be the man I gave up my freedom for :)

I won't look back at my life with regrets and whatifs - I'll look back at my failed earlier relationships and will be eternally grateful for what they taught me about me, what they taught me about life. But most of all, I'll be grateful that they all failed - because the failure of those past relationships is what will lead me to my true love :)

If I never find my One, if I'll always be single, I'll get to continue experiencing things on my own...it's not a lesser life than finding the One, it's just a different one. I very much want to find true love, to experience motherhood...but I also know that I can be truly happy even if that never happens.

There are three paths in front of me, life with the One - a life where I get to be truly in love, I get to be a mother and watch my children grow up with an amazing man beside me. There's the life continuing where I am today, going where ever I want to, becoming whoever I choose to be, seeing the world on the way. Both of those, to me, have amazing and endless merits. I'd be lying if I said I didn't prefer the path of finding my One...but I'd be happy, in different ways, with either. The third path though, is the broken path and one that would mean unhappiness and regret for me or my partner...or both. And that would be to settle for a man when I want someone else, to settle for a man when I'm not quite sure about him, to settle for less than true love. And I'll never choose the broken path.

Relationships take work, of course. It's about working together to grow together. Some days the other person drives you crazy, they're too grumpy, too opinionated, whatever. But at the same time, when it's right, you love that they drive you crazy.

It's that old adage, I don't like you - but I love you. Liking someone sometimes takes work ;) But the true love is always there...true love is out of our control, it just is.

So...the second point, many readers commented on the things I've said about what I want in my future partner. I mentioned earlier than being so sure in who I am means I'm pickier than I used to be, which is definitely true. But at the same time, it's not about a laundry list of tick boxes. When I look back at who I've been drawn to in the past and why, each man was very different from the last. There were similarities, of course, but when I think about why I wanted to give myself to these men, it wasn't about a bunch of pre-defined criteria - it was about the magic. It was about who each man was, what he did to my heart, how he made me feel. It was about us.

I have wants and ideas about my future One, we all do and I am picky about my feelings toward a man. I need to feel something amazing toward him to be further interested...but I also know, from life experience, that I just don't know what he'll be like specifically, until it happens. I won't know how to truly describe or define my One until he becomes my One.

After all, you can't go grocery shopping for love, it hits you like an asteroid when you least expect it and from exactly the direction you weren't looking ;)

A complete and true love leads to complete submission

2010-02-24T15:53:00.011Z

In light of my last post, I've been thinking about the basics of love and how it affects submission...about the kind of love I need to find, about the only kind of love I'll settle for: one that is so complete and so true that he and I only want each other...we won't have any regrets about previous relationships, no thoughts of what could have been with others - we will be so in love with each other, so perfect for each other, that we won't be able to fathom being attracted to anyone else. We'll realise, with absolute certainty, that we're meant for each other. And as a result, I will completely submit to him. I'll trust and love him so purely and so completely that I'll give him my everything, I'll view him as the only one I want and need...and knowing how much I mean to him, knowing how much he loves me will complete my submission. It's that last candle on the cake that will allow me to completely let go into him and see him as my everything.

That complete and true love between us is what will allow me to trust him as I have never trusted before.

Romantic love has many levels...there's the raw and primal physical attraction, there's the deep friendship, the intellectual bond...and there's the emotional bond. A complete love has all of these levels and is missing nothing.

I really don't understand - and never will - why anyone would settle for less. When I set out to write this entry, I wondered if perhaps I'm asking for too much. Do we ever truly love someone so completely?

I Googled things like "true love" and "my partner has feelings for someone else." And I was heartened to discover that, nearly universally, everything I came across (both professional and amateur articles) said - to summarise - true love means that you aren't attracted to anyone other than your partner, true love means that your partner is the only one you want. And that when you have feelings for someone else, you can't possibly truly love your partner.

So, I have hope - high hope - that true love does exist and that I'll find it :) And I know, conversely, that I couldn't fully submit to a man, I couldn't give him my everything, if we didn't truly love each other. And what's the point of all of this if I spend the rest of life with a man I don't quite love? A man who doesn't quite love me? A man I don't quite trust? There is no point to that and I could never do it.

The nature of a traditional relationship is that you are so giving toward each other and so open about who you are and what you need, that you fit together seamlessly like two pieces of a puzzle...the only pieces of a two piece puzzle. There is no ambiguity about what you are each looking for and no need to pretend to want or to be something you are not.

I don't need Mr. Perfect, I just need Mr. Perfect For Me. And whilst I'm far from Miss Perfect, I need to be Miss Perfect For Him...he will be so complete for me that I'll love his faults, I'll love his charms, I'll be insanely attracted to him...I'll just love him, for all that he is - and I will love him with 100% of my heart, mind and body. And conversely, of course, I need 100% of his heart, mind and body. Life is too short and my heart is too precious to give it to a man who can only give me some of his heart. And at a more basic level, life is too short to stay with a partner who gets aroused by someone other than me.

I firmly believe that when you are finally with your One, you only have feelings for that person. To have feelings for someone else is to take away your love for your mate - we cannot divide ourselves, we can't divide our love. If he has feelings for another woman, he doesn't completely and truly love me. And if he has feelings for someone else, then my submission is less precious, less valuable to him.

I refuse to be the jealous girlfriend or wife, jealousy is exhausting, harmful and useless...I want to feel so confidently and so strongly that my boyfriend/husband loves me that I embrace the presence of his female friends, I won't wonder how he feels about them, I'll know I'm the only woman he wants - physically and romantically.

And I'll feel pride and love toward him for embracing my male friends, I'll love that he knows that he holds my whole heart, that he knows that he's the only one who can turn my knees to mush. It makes me smile to envision receiving a giant bear hug from a male friend, knowing that my One is watching the complete lack of attraction between my friend and I - my man can see the vast difference in the way I embrace this friend, compared to the way I embrace him.

He'll know how complete he is to me as a romantic partner and as a leader and he'll know how invisible all others are to me.

Relationships and love are about emotions, not ethics. It's not a business transaction where your actions decide your fate - it's a deep connection where your heart decides your fate. I'm not condoning cheating through actions and behaviour, by any stretch - but giving yourself to your partner completely isn't something any of us get to consciously decide to do. Our hearts are either there or they aren't, our hearts either want someone or they don't. Our hormones are either on or off. Our hormones either want someone or they don't. And harsh as it may sound, developing feelings for someone other than your partner means that you are emotionally cheating on your partner. You may not be acting on those feelings, but the feelings themselves signify that you are unable to be true to your partner.

However! The thing is...whilst we have control over our actions, we have no control over our hearts or our hormones, we have no control over the direction of our love. So where behavioural cheating is, of course, a breach of ethics and something to be ashamed of...emotional cheating is just an uncontrollable and important sign that the "love" we think we feel for our partner isn't true and complete. It isn't our fault, it's beyond our control.

It's a sign that we need to let go, move on and find something that is true and complete. Perhaps more importantly, it's a sign that we need to let our partner go and let them find something that is true and complete.

I often speak here of the selflessness that I see as being so prevalent in a traditional relationship...and I truly feel that the most selfless and caring thing you can do for your partner, when you realise that this person isn't your true and complete love, is to let them go find the one who is. My Googling today reaffirmed my thinking and showed that most people agree.

I don't want to have to try to love my man, I want my love for him to be so true, so complete, that I just love him without even thinking about it...I'll want him and only him. I won't have to try to be ethical and moral, I won't have to try to squash thoughts of other men - I'll love my man so much that he's the only one I'll want. Having stronger feelings for him than I have for others isn't good enough - I need him to be the only one I have feelings for. And I need for him to feel that way about me. I don't share, I want my man to look into my eyes and see only me, I need him to want only me. When I submit to him, I need to know that he wants my submission and only mine.

I am here, single, because I was let go several years ago by a man I had been with for a year, who just couldn't give me his whole heart. I was devastated at the time, I thought we were destined for something beautiful, I thought I loved him and I was so confused and hurt that he didn't want to "just give it more time," that he didn't want to just be happy with what we had. I was terrified of losing him, of never finding another. He kept telling me that though he cared very much about me, he had realised that he just didn't love me...and that he could see my love for him and knew that it just wasn't fair to take all of my heart when I didn't have all of his.

But, when the pain subsided and I could see the world in a happy light again, I came to respect this man more deeply than I ever had before. I respected and cared about him more after we broke up than I did when I thought I loved him. Because whilst he was perfectly content with what we had, with my gift to him, he knew in his heart that he couldn't give me the same gift. He gave me back my gift so that I could move on and find a man who wouldn't just be content with my gift, he'd love my gift with all of his heart - my ex let me free to find a complete and true love.

He could have easily given things more time, as I thought I wanted, he could have settled for what we had - but in doing so, he would have kept me from my complete and true love. And he would have deprived my future true love of my complete submission.

And though I'm still searching for my true love, I am deeply grateful for my ex's selflessness - I'm thankful that I have the chance to find the magic and I'm thankful that I'm not being held emotionally hostage in something that isn't true and complete. And that experience taught me that I would rather search forever and never find it than settle for something less.

None of this deep love happens overnight...and I know for me, whilst it will develop gradually, I won't be able to commit myself to him until I feel it completely. When I find my One, I want - I need - that magic moment where I just melt into him, where we both realise that there is no one else for us, only each other. In order to completely submit to my future partner, I need to feel his complete love for me.

I respect and love myself too much to settle for some of his love, I want all of his love...and the right man for me wouldn't settle either - so I know I can't give myself to a man, I can't commit to him, until I know in my heart that he's the one. And, however slow it has to be, I don't want him to commit to me until he knows in his heart that I'm the one...I don't want him to take my gift of submission until he knows that he will truly and completely treasure it.

I don't want someone, I want the one - I want the magic, I want the fairytale...and in order to make that magic, we have to be everything to each other.

It might take awhile, it might take forever and a day...but I want a complete and true love with Mr. Perfect For Me...and when it happens, I know it will feel truly amazing.

A love of serving...but only to the right man

2010-02-20T14:26:00.004Z

Often, in personals profiles and even in discussions with dominant men, I see or hear the phrase that these men are looking for a woman with "a need to please." Or, I read scenarios where they want a woman who enjoys pleasing her man...and that the flipside for these men is that they "get to enjoy the woman's service" or that they deserve this service because they're meeting a woman's "basic needs."

I'm one woman and, as always, I can't and wouldn't speak for anyone other than myself...but every time I see those statements as the only - or even the main - reasons why a man wants to lead, it makes me sigh in irritation and frustration.

I do know that there are men out there with a broader and more giving attitude toward leading, I've had the wonderful pleasure of coming across a couple of them. But sadly, these more giving men seem to be in the distinct minority.

As a submissive woman, I most definitely do enjoy serving a man I've fallen for - and yes, often my enjoyment comes purely from seeing that he is happy. In that moment, when I'm doing something for him and I can see that I'm pleasing him, I'm happy just for that reason. I've even taken pleasure in doing something I absolutely hate, because it made him happy - I actually took pleasure from the fact that my personal sacrifice made him happy.

But the thing is, to take that snapshot and call my service and his ensuing happiness a complete picture of our dynamic is like taking one sentence out of an epic novel. It's like trying to experience a lifelong journey by getting on the bus at the halfway mark.

For a man to think that a woman's want and need to serve are just abstract feelings that can be aimed at any man who comes along, regardless of who he is or what he offers is so silly and ridiculous that I'm almost at a loss for words. (Almost - I'm not one to be at a loss for words ;) ).

For me - and I sincerely hope for most submissive women - a need and want to serve comes from being with a man who is selflessly dominant toward me. I become drawn to please and serve a man because he has treated me like a lady, like a princess. I become drawn to please and serve a man because he leads me with love, because he takes me in directions that are farther than I could ever take myself. I become drawn to serve a man because, before he expects anything in return, he offers me the gift of leadership, he offers me the gift of guidance. And he shows me, in his own way, how much I matter to him...how much my happiness means to him. He shows me that he isn't focused on being served, he isn't thinking about meeting my bare minimum basic needs, he is thinking about wanting me, about guiding me. He shows me that he thinks the absolute world of me.

That certainly isn't to say that a dominant man doesn't enjoy being served - of course he does! And as I said, I do enjoy - very, very much - serving the right man and I would happily give him 300% eventually, happily serving him with all of my being. But it all goes back to the idea of this being a reciprocal gift...how can a man expect to receive such a precious gift without giving one in return? Further, I want to think that a truly dominant man would only enjoy being served by a woman he has fallen for...where's the magic in being served by a random woman?

Whilst I do think that there are times within a relationship of this dynamic where things become very animalistic and primal - and those times can be very exciting - what makes this so much more beautiful is that we're human beings, not animals. We operate on a higher plane, we operate with deep emotions and connections - it isn't always just a primal need and for me, it's never a primal need until my emotions have taken me there.

I've been accused, on more than one occasion, of giving too much, of not putting my own needs and wants forward enough. And so, on some level, I do love to serve a man...but the wonderful, rare, men who accused me of being too giving didn't realise what they had given me that allowed them to experience that giving. I gave because they gave...it's that vague and somewhat indescribable dynamic where you are both so focused on each other, so taken with each other, that all you want is for the other person to be happy.

I think the reality is that I do love to serve. I love to serve a man who has somehow shown me his incredible gift. I won't actively or consciously think about my needs, I won't wonder what I'll get back for serving him - I won't have to wonder, he'll show me constantly because I'll mean that much to him. Because he isn't thinking about being served, he wants to give to me as much as I do to him.

The gift of dominance and the gift of submission

2010-02-02T19:01:00.004Z

When I last wrote about trust and how both people need to develop such a deep level of it before the relationship can flourish, I found myself thinking about the idea of the reciprocal gifts of dominance and submission.

I believe that a woman's submission is a gift and that a man should feel blessed to receive that gift, whenever the woman is ready to give it. I don't think it's an instant all-at-once kind of thing, I think it happens gradually over time - but I do think it's hers to give, rather than his to expect and take.

A truly dominant man will never demand submission, he'll only feel blessed when it is gifted to him. A man can call himself dominant, but only a submissive woman can truly deem a man dominant.

And it's a lovely thought, I love the idea of a man seeing my submission as a gift to him. A gift, of course, is something to be valued, it's something given voluntarily. A man who sees my submission as a gift sees it as something to be valued and treasured, something that has been earned and is not just a blind right. By extension, he sees me as someone to be valued and treasured.

I further love the idea that when a woman sees her own submission as a gift, she is valuing herself and her submission - in viewing her submission as a gift, she's saying that she is too important to simply obey every man who crosses her path. She'll only gift her submission to someone who has earned it, to a man who has shown that he is wise, responsible, caring...to a man worthy of leading her.

Too often, I hear men who fancy themselves dominant saying things like "I'm taking applications for submissives," they talk of training a submissive or they ask a woman how she intends to "prove herself worthy" of his dominance.

And all of those attitudes make my blood boil. It's arrogant, unromantic, lacking dominance and, frankly, a bit embarrassingly silly. A truly submissive woman is only submissive to a man worthy of her...dating and relationships aren't job interviews - you don't send in an application! And submission can't be "trained" - it can't be taught or manufactured, it can only be nurtured and treasured.

But as much as it angers me to see men with these attitudes, it saddens me that there are women who go along with it. There are women who just don't value themselves enough to treat their submission as a gift, they think they have to prove themselves "worthy" of giving themselves.

And submission comes in many forms, all unique and in due time - a man cannot "train" a woman to give her gift. He can only take whatever form of submission she chooses to give him...and then he can guide and lead her to be even more than she ever knew she could. She will, as part of her natural desire to please him, learn about him as time goes on and she will no doubt submit in ways that please him, just because she enjoys pleasing him. But a need to please isn't enough - a woman needs to feel loved, valued, protected, guided...and it's when she feels those things that she gifts her submission.

But, just as a woman gifts her submission - gifts her freedom - to a man, a man does gift his dominance and leadership to a woman - he must value himself enough to save his dominance for a woman who is truly worth it. He is giving her the gift of guidance, he's taking the burden of responsibility off her shoulders and giving her the gift of letting go. He is giving the gift of protector.

Being given the gift of dominance feels wonderful. For the woman, when a man dominates in a caring and loving way, it makes the woman feel submissive, wanted, treasured, protected. His dominance feels like a gift.

So, when a man and a woman have that affect on each other, when they have that chemistry where his dominance brings out her submission and her submission brings out his dominance, they give each other amazing gifts. It's a wonderful level of trust and both people know that the other person values them above all else.

In many ways, it seems logical than one has to start before the other - how can two people simultaneously drive each other to give reciprocal gifts? Who starts first?

I think this is where that old-fashioned courting that I hold so dear comes into play. When a man courts a woman, he is leading in small ways...and when she follows, she's submitting. So, I think the man starts the journey and when a woman follows him, she is gifting her submission in small ways. He leads her and in doing so, asks for her submission...and when she follows, she's giving that submission.

Whilst I do think there can be a moment where she formally gifts him her full submission (and by taking her submission, he is gifting his dominance) I think the gifts begin at the very beginning, working gradually toward the total trust needed to truly gift each other total dominance and total submission...and it's that gradual gifting that makes it so special, ongoing and lasting - neither person ever forgets the value of the gift they've been given and both people treasure those gifts.

Any gift worth having is worth waiting for...and what greater gift is there to a dominant man than the submission of a woman? What greater gift is there for a submissive woman than the gift of a dominant, guiding hand?

I personally don't think anything is greater.

Trust, revisited

2010-01-22T19:23:00.008Z

When I first started this blog, I wrote about trust. About the deep trust a woman puts in her man when she submits to him and about his journey to gain that trust.

I still think all of it is true and more so. My ideal in a relationship is one where I would trust my future husband with my everything, I wouldn't keep anything from him and he could make as many decisions for me as he wanted, my hope is that he would choose to make many, if not most, decisions.

But, that means that I have to trust him so deeply that I trust him more than I trust myself, I have to know him inside and out, I have to know that he knows *me* inside and out.

I often - maybe always - refer, on this blog, to my future partner as my future husband. And whilst it's true that I want to get married someday, I would submit to him gradually, beginning long before we got married...because when the two of us are standing in front of our family and friends, professing our lifelong love to each other, I will already know that I can trust him more than I've ever trusted anyone in the world. I'll be standing there, professing my lifelong love to him, because I trusted him enough to have already submitted to him.

But then the question remains, when would I start submitting to him? And, how gradual would it be? How quickly would I begin to trust him enough to give him the bigger aspects of my life to lead? And from his side, how does he begin to trust me? How does he trust that my submission is true, that I do truly trust him? How does he trust that he's allowed to take control? That I want him?

None of it is as simple as one answer, of course. It's not like I can say "30 minutes into the 4th date, I'll trust him enough to submit to him." And it's further not as simple as saying "6 months into our relationship, I'll allow him to lead my whole life." From his side, I doubt it's as simple as "When she blinks 3 times, I'll know she wants to be mine." It depends entirely on the two of us, how we connect, how we get to know each other, our personalities. But I do know that I couldn't submit right away...I don't believe in love at first sight and I don't believe that I would just know "instinctively" that I could trust him with my submission without knowing who he is.

When we first meet, I will feel a strong connection to him and I will feel generally submissive toward him, I know myself well enough by now to know that a truly dominant man has a natural affect on me. When in such a man's presence, I realise after the fact that I was submissive to him in small ways without even realising it...in my attitude, in my mannerisms. His masculinity and dominance brings out my submissiveness and femininity. When a man has brought out my natural submissiveness, when his own personality has allowed me to shed my protective modern exterior, I have a very strong interest in seeing where things will go...I find myself drawn to him and wanting to see how he will lead me. I know from my own natural reaction to him that he has the rare potential to be very real.

But, I don't give myself to him in a greater sense in those first moments...there is no way I could, because I don't know him enough, I don't know who he is or what leadership means to him and most importantly, I don't know if he truly wants me. I can't tell yet, in those early moments, whether he just fancies me or whether he sees me as a woman he wants to take responsibility for in a bigger sense.

It feels a bit arrogant and obnoxious to say, but a man has to earn my submission. If I am to give up my freedom to him and trust him with my life, I need to know that he will act responsibly, I need to know that he cherishes me and puts me above everything else in his life. I need to know that I'm special to him, that he wants the best for me. It isn't to say that he wasn't already those things when we first met, I'm sure he was - and hopefully he cherished me from the day we met. But I'm not a mind reader, I need time to see that, to trust what I see in those first moments. I need to keep seeing those things.

When I first wrote about trust, I mentioned that a dominant man has the task of undoing all of the hurt the woman has been through before. I still believe that, I think any adult woman becomes distrustful after enough time out in the modern dating world. Sadly, most men don't act as gentlemen and we ladies have to become a bit cynical to protect ourselves...we have to allow, somewhere in the back of our minds, that no matter how lovely a new man may seem, he may turn out to be just like the others. So, we hope and we wait and we watch how he treats us, we allow ourselves to be courted and chased...but we keep our wits about us, keeping ourselves grounded and independent whilst we learn about him.

And for me, after a time, I will realise that he's true, that he's worthy of my submission. I'll realise that I can let go and let him take care of me...and whilst at first, it won't be my whole life, giving him that first bit of true submission will feel beautiful. Later, when enough time and knowledge has passed that I know I can completely trust him, it will feel more beautiful to entrust him with my whole life. It will feel freeing and amazing.

I've spoken before of the "dance" of dominance and submission...of the melding of two people over time as they begin to trust each other. So, whilst I need time to be able to trust a man enough to submit to him, I know that he needs to build trust of his own...he needs to trust that I trust him.

As I've said before, I find confidence in a man extremely attractive - whilst I want to wait to submit until I trust him, I need him to take the lead in small ways from the beginning. And that feels like a very stressful contradiction of terms for him! Because basically, I'm saying that I don't want to give myself to him until I'm ready, but I want him to take baby steps to lead from the very beginning. I want him to try to understand me, I want him to gently make decisions.

And to be fair, when I try to think about all of that from his perspective, it seems like a tall order! It seems like he has to take a bit of a leap of faith in terms of understanding me and guessing what I need. If he goes too far in these baby steps of leadership and I push back, what will happen to his confidence? How will he trust me? If a dominant man is told by a woman, however subtly, that he led incorrectly, that she's uncomfortable and not ready yet, will he try to lead that woman again? What can she do to reassure him that she very much wants him, but that she needs time? What if he wants her submission before she's ready to give it? How does it affect his confidence when she says no to his leadership?

But, I guess that's the chasing and courting...his job is to understand me. To court and chase me so that I will eventually give him my submission - to court and chase me so that I will eventually trust him more than I trust myself. To court and chase me so that he will have the greatest tool of confidence of all - the complete trust of a woman and her submission.

At the end of the day, trust is - to me - probably the most vital part of a Taken in Hand relationship. It is the most delicate and fragile part of the relationship in the beginning, but it's also the most beautiful once it's there. It takes time to develop, a true lifelong Taken in Hand relationship isn't born in a few days...but when it is born, it is amazing.

A loving and caring leader is the best kind

2010-01-12T17:49:00.006Z

I've written before about the confidence inherent in a submissive woman, how she thrives under the guidance of a confident, dominant man and how her submission, in itself, drives her confidence in herself.

I've written about the beauty of chivalry and courtship in a traditional relationship, about men behaving as gentlemen and ladies behaving as...ladies.

And, just last week, I wrote about my struggle to hold onto my true submissive self, to try to let the man lead.

I've been thinking about how it all comes together...and about what else is involved for me, in feeling submissive toward a man.

The kind of dominant man I'm attracted to is motivated to lead because he wants his future partner to be healthy and happy, because he enjoys the idea of seeing her happy and fulfilled in whatever she does. He still wants her to please him, but that isn't his main focus. He tends to be caring, friendly and wholly interested in her - her thoughts, her hopes for the future, her dreams and her needs.

When he speaks of the structure he would set in a relationship, he speaks of wanting his future wife to be safe, of wanting her to be able to relax and let him do the worrying. He speaks of seeing her as his most treasured possession, the person he will respect and love most in this world.

When such a man speaks of how he wants to lead, he talks about wanting to encourage his future partner in activities, about looking after her well-being. He seems to thrive on responsibility and derives much of his happiness from the idea that he will be driving his partner's success as a person. That he will be responsible for her growth.

There is, of course, a want for his own needs to be met, but the tone of that usually makes it seem like he is more interested in his partner's happiness than in his own.

And often, when I feel that in a man, I find myself melting into his mentality. There are few things that can make me feel submissive toward a man more than if I feel like he wants to take responsibility for me, that he wants me to be happy. I respond by wanting to make him happy.

When I meet a man who wants to lead a woman, possibly me, because he sees her as someone he would value more than anyone else, I feel myself wanting to understand him - I find myself wanting to understand what makes him tick, what his hopes and dreams are.

The kind of dominance I find most attractive is that rare combination of confident leadership, chivalry and a genuine desire to better someone else.

It's a fine line I suppose. The husband leads, but he does so by consulting his submissive wife...he leads her to her own hopes and desires. He asks her what she wants out of life...but he also learns to read her. He encourages her and drives her to do things he knows she wants to do, but that she never actually says. Sometimes he knows what she wants before she knows.

But, he is the leader, the head of the household...he isn't simply doing exactly as his wife wants. He is picking and choosing, using his wisdom and understanding of his wife to know what she needs. It means that sometimes, he makes her do the things she's most scared of - because doing those things is the best thing for her. It means that sometimes, he won't let her do the things she most wants to do - because those things are bad for her.

For me, in order to see him as dominant, I need to view a man as wiser than me...I need to trust him more than I trust myself. To me, that wisdom means that through his responsibility for his future partner, he gets to know her better than she knows herself...and he helps her become her complete self through that extra wisdom. He lifts her up higher than she can lift herself.

And when I feel a man lifting me up, when I can tell that my happiness and well-being are so important to him, all I want to do is fall into him and let him take that responsibility...and I want to do everything I can to support him in his hopes and dreams.

And I suppose that's the funny thing about it all...each person is putting the other person's happiness before their own and as a result, they both achieve happiness.

It's an amazing level of love and trust and is much of what makes a traditional relationship so powerful and so fulfilling.

I look forward to feeling it someday :)

Letting the man lead my future

2010-01-08T17:30:00.010Z

I've been pondering something today...for the second time, by a second person, it was suggested to me that I am possibly dictating how I expect to be led. In the BDSM world, it's called "topping from the bottom." In any world, it sounds terribly unfeminine to me and so I'm analysing whether it is...I don't want to be unfeminine!

In my description of what I hope to find, I talk about things like wanting to stay home to raise my future children, about wanting to step back and let my future husband support our family. I intended those words to be merely that - what I want, my thoughts and values. I wanted to create a picture of how the traditional relationship I wanted was different than BDSM and different from a modern relationship. I didn't intend my words to be demands, I didn't intend to dictate to my future husband how I should be led.

But, I've been told that the specific picture I've created is intimidating, that it takes away the man's opportunity to decide how to mould our future...because I've already "told" him what my future should be...I've "told" him how he should lead me. That, in stating my wants, I'm indirectly stating my needs and outlining my own future.

The first time this was suggested to me, more than a year ago, I thought about it...and I tried to be less specific in describing who I am and what I want. But I wasn't convinced that my friend was right...no one had ever suggested such a thing to me and conversely, I'm often told by dominant men that the picture I've painted is exactly what they hoped to find and exactly what seems so rare today.

However, having been recently told again nearly exactly the same thing, that I am dictating what I want, I'm back to pondering the validity of those opinions.

As I've said, countless times, I'm incredibly opinionated, very passionate about my beliefs and values and very aware of who I am. Most of the time, I think that's a good thing...self-awareness is healthy. But, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Perhaps my self-awareness is taking away my future husband's chance to lead me, perhaps it's taking away my own ability to relax and someday let him lead. Perhaps I'm deterring that very man, because he feels there is nothing left to decide, that he won't have the opportunity to truly lead me through his own judgment.

So, it brings the question to mind...all women, even submissive women, should be thoughtful and introspective. But at the same time, submissive women should be just that - submissive. They should submit to the will and the direction of their husbands. So, where is the line between thinking through and knowing what *I* want and letting my future husband mould our future, letting him decide where our life will go?

As a 32 year old woman who has been making decisions for herself for at least 14 of those 32 years, I can't turn my brain off, I can't undo the hopes and dreams I've realised throughout my life. I can't undo my beliefs and my values, nor would I want to.

I do dream of the day when I find a man who I trust so much, I trust his judgment more than I trust my own. But for now, I don't trust anyone more than I trust myself. I know me, inside and out, and I know where I want my future to go.

In large part, I think that the right man for me will love my passionate nature, he'll love that I am a deep thinker. He'll treasure the fact that I don't submit to him because I'm incapable of thinking for myself, I submit to him because I trust his thinking even more than I trust my own solid thinking...and it is entirely possible that, as I fall into his trust, as I fall in love with him, as I come to respect him so much that I'm willing to entrust him with my future, I'll be happy with whatever he decides...even if it's different than what I thought I wanted.

But...will I? I've been thinking and dreaming for so long of this future I've created in my head, could I be happy with a man who wanted something different? Do I want to map out my exact future, without allowing my future husband to do it himself? Am I guilty of dictating my future?

I love the idea of being with a man who had no idea what I wanted when we met, but who had come to know me so well, to cherish me so much, that by the time I had given myself to him, he planned out exactly the future I myself planned - but did so all on his own. It feels incredibly romantic, I know I would trust him even more for it. But it feels like such a huge risk...what if I fall for a man who plans a different future? And further, since much of what makes me fall for a man is learning about his value system, how can I ever fall for a man without knowing what he wants his future to be?

It feels like a fine line...in theory, I love the idea of handing my future over to my future husband, of completely trusting him to do what is best for us, trusting him to know what I want and need without me telling him. But at the same time, I balk at men who don't share my values...I find myself wanting and needing to know where he wants his own future to go. I find myself needing to know, in order to trust him, if we want the same things.

So, in a sense, the two people who've said I'm being too specific are right - I suppose I am telling my future husband what I want. I've thought about what makes me happy, about what will make my life complete, and I want to find a man who feels the same way so that when I eventually entrust myself to him, I know that he understands what makes me happy.

And isn't that what everyone does when dating? We ask questions, we look for signs...we want to know that our potential mate is similar to us in some ways.

But, of course, the traditional relationship I want isn't the same as most relationships...the way I date isn't at all the same. So...perhaps the question isn't "should I think about where I want my life to go?" It should be "how specifically should I think about where I want my life to go?"

I think, after this big long ramble, that it's good and even necessary for me to say that I want to find a man who wants the same big picture things that I do, that I need to know - before I entrust him with my life - that we share the same main values. Because I will trust him, in large part, because he shares my values.

But as I get older, I am learning to enjoy the journey, to enjoy the beautiful ride of meeting a wonderful man who will take me on an incredible path. I'll learn to enjoy feeling a man learn about and cherish me so much that he takes me exactly where I need to go, without me dictating it to him.

I'm learning to be happy with who a man is, to be happy with what he wants out of life and with what he enjoys. Through my life, I've become more relaxed, less specific about the man I'm hoping to find...more interested in who each man is, rather than looking for a man who fits my imaginary mould. And it's those little differences, those little things that make him him that I'll love to leave to chance...whilst I think I do need to know that my partner shares my general value system, I want to feel the as-yet-unknown journey of his path...I want to go where ever he's going to take me, trusting that he'll do so with my well-being and happiness as his highest priorities.

Someday, I'll get to enjoy true submission...and where ever that takes me, I know it will be amazing.

Contacting me

2010-01-04T18:08:00.003Z

I've had a few requests, via the comments, for me to contact readers. I would be happy to, but unfortunately, the comments function doesn't let me respond to your comment.

My anonymous email is londoncinderella@googlemail.com, please feel free to use that if you'd like me to be able to respond to you...and thank you for reading!

Dreaming of being the loving follower and supporter

2010-01-03T18:48:00.004Z

Someone asked me recently, what a typical week might look like to me, once I were married to a Taken in Hand man. I apologised for avoiding the question, but said that I didn't have a typical week in mind...and that's because to a large extent, as time goes on, I try to force myself not to think so specifically, to keep an open mind to what ever surprises and changes the future brings.

I am terribly stubborn and determined once I set my mind to something and to be fair, I do have ideals in terms of what a specific week might look like, I daydream often about typical days and what my life might be like...I just try not to let myself envision them too much, lest I be disappointed and/or frustrated if my life doesn't go in that direction.

But, it's been more on my mind lately, pondering that question I was asked...what do I envision as a typical week when I'm (hopefully someday) a Taken in Hand wife and mother?

The overriding theme in any typical week, in the activities I daydream about, is one of supporting my future husband and caring full-time for my children. It sounds rather obnoxiously like a martyr and I don't intend it to! But I absolutely love the idea of stepping back and quietly supporting my husband's achievements...to the point where I especially like things where I wouldn't get public credit for my efforts, I would "only" get credit and appreciation from my husband...but isn't that the most important kind?

My life would be largely devoted to my family and the outside world might not realise how full and busy my life was, how much I cared for my family...but that's the part I love. My ego doesn't need the world to know that on a given day, I might have laboured in the kitchen for hours to make my husband's favourite meal when I knew he was having an especially bad day...I would just need for my husband to know and appreciate it.

I would want our home to be a place of happiness and relaxation for him...so I would want to have his clothes organised and laid out for him for work each morning and I would want us to sit down and have a proper breakfast together as a family each morning...so that when my husband goes off to his stressful day at work, he would know that I love him, he would know that his efforts at work were greatly appreciated by me. And my children would know that their parents were very much in love, that they, the children, were very much loved.

I would want to spend some of my day on me, giving myself time to relax and unwind...and while that, of course, is lovely for me and a bit selfish, it translates to being able to better support and nurture my future husband and our children. I'm not so idealistic that I think that raising children and supporting my husband will be relaxing or easy! I know it's a 24/7 job and can be exhausting...if I make time to relax, I can better nurture my family.

I daydream about spending time with my future children, watching them grow and learn...I would love to spend my days taking them to museums, reading to them and teaching them in their early years.

Later, with the children spending more time in school, I would hope to get involved in a few charities...I suppose it would be, for me, an extension of my love of being there for others. Nothing would be more important to me than my family and nothing would be as fulfilling as being there for my family, but I think I'm especially drawn to charity work because it would also teach my children how important it is to help others. I would be able to relate my charity work back to my own family and would be helping both greater society and my own family.

When everyone was home for the afternoon and evening, I would relish that time after school with the children...hearing about their day, helping them with their homework and ensuring they had healthy snacks and that they knew that I was there for them. And when my husband came home, I would love that after his stressful day, I could be a smiling face to him, ready to give him a warm meal with his family.

Again, I think that what feels most rewarding to me, in life, is that idea of supporting and nurturing a family I love...I've talked before about Taken in Hand being pieces of a puzzle and in my mind, one of the loveliest contributions the wife gets to make to that puzzle is giving.

I love the idea that I wouldn't be competing with my husband for societal approval of a man's contributions...I could relish in the importance of my own contributions to my family.

Perceptions

2009-12-30T16:52:00.007Z

So, firstly, I'm not even going to bother apologising, to anyone who might still be reading, for my lack of writing...lol, I may never get back to writing regularly here, but I'll at least write when I get around to motivating myself. I'm not the most skilled at keeping myself on track ;)

I've just returned from a visit to America to see my friends and family and in between all the reunions and visits, I had some time to think.

I've been told, several times, that I am a bit of a contradiction. Male dominant friends have said that in person, I'm intimidating...and even aggressive. That at first impression, I'm totally different in person than I am in writing...that in person, I am the picture of modern independence.

Physically, I hope I come across as elegant and feminine...I wear dresses that aren't too short, never trousers, I have long hair, I make a conscious effort toward my appearance and I'm small, physically. But that's only half the picture...personality is a vital and huge part of the impression we make on others.

I am extremely outgoing, talkative and opinionated, that I know! And I think that often, to meet me, you wouldn't guess that I believe so strongly in traditional gender roles...that I perceive myself as extremely feminine, that I want the man I'm with to quietly and subtly overpower me.

That to meet me on the street, despite the fact that I'm always wearing a dress rather than trousers, I come across as someone who might be offended by a gentleman who holds a door open for me or who tells me where we're going for dinner, rather than asking me.

It's the sad reality of modern society that I've been independent for so long that I just do things for myself without a second thought. But I also find myself more and more aware of that aspect of me as time goes on and I find that I am overjoyed to be in the presence of a man who can make me feel feminine. And I find that I have massive respect for a man who acts gentlemanly and dominant around me...because to me, he is dominant enough that my independence and confidence don't intimidate him. I need a man who has an even stronger personality than my own strong personality.

Whilst on my visit to America, I was walking up to a shop, but was still well back from arriving to the door when a man who was exiting stopped to hold the door for me. I began to run slightly, calling out a surprised thank you as I got closer...it's one of those small gestures that we feminine ladies absolutely love. He earned extra brownie points for insisting that I take my time and stop running, for acknowledging my thank you in a way that suggested that he wouldn't dream of *not* holding the door for me.

I love when a man helps me with my coat or my chair...the chair is always a bit of a skill and not one I've ever quite mastered! But I do love the gesture.

When I've been on dates, I don't *mind* choosing the restaurant...lol, I do love food and I love perusing restaurants. And often, due to the distance, I have to be the one to choose, as my date simply won't know the area.

But, I do really love when my date has chosen the location of our date completely on his own, it feels like he's made an effort to take care of me in a small way...it is, again, one of those take-charge small gentlemanly gestures that lets me step back and be feminine. The ball is not in my court and it feels lovely.

But, in this increasing self-awareness, I try to force myself to pay more attention to my own actions. I am always saddened (and a little embarrassed at myself) when I open my own doors whilst in the presence of a man, never giving him the opportunity to do it for me...I have been embarrassed at myself, on more than one occasion, for not realising that my date wanted to help me with my chair at dinner.

I've often wondered, after a date, if I overpowered the conversation. Did I interrupt him? Did I change the subject from one he had chosen? I'm ridiculously hard on myself, I always have been, but still...perhaps I'm my own worst enemy.

I most definitely view myself as feminine, I most definitely *want* the man in my company to lead the way...I'm just not sure the man always see that.

And I'm left to wonder...am I just overanalysing my own behaviour? Or does the man notice these things too? Does he decide, after some time with me, that I'm too aggressive, too independent?

The dance of dominance and submission, of course, is that the man needs to feel that his leadership is needed. He wants to know that he is protecting the woman he's with...and the woman needs to feel protected. But what happens if the man perceives that the woman doesn't even seem to need protection?

I once believed that all women should be submissive to all men...but that requires that all men are dominant and that all women are submissive. And I've realised, over time, that in the too modern and imperfect society we live in, that just can't happen. Dominant men will only nurture and protect women who seem to want and need that nurturing and protection...but submissive women will only submit to a man they perceive as nurturing and protective. It's the chicken and egg dilemma.

I'm too confident in myself to simply submit to a man because he's a man, I am drawn to submit when I feel led...I can only submit and be truly feminine around men who seem confident and dominant in a gentlemanly and protective way. But what if my own behaviour prevents him from doing that?

So, I wonder - do I need to retrain myself to let go and be my true feminine self? When I feel that the man I'm with is dominant, yet I get the impression that he doesn't see me as submissive, how can I make a more conscious effort to show him?

I don't know what the answer is...for now, I have to be independent because I'm single, it's natural that my gut reaction is to do things for myself. But, as I long for the day when a man will take me in hand and do all of these things for me, I wonder...am I letting him try?

Physical Discipline

2009-08-08T12:37:00.003+01:00

Well, my first post in nearly six months! I’ve just been enjoying the city I love and the summer…for values of as much of a summer as this lovely island ever gets ;)

And, though I have been terribly remiss in writing here, the topics have stood in my mind. If there is anything I am most sure and confident of in life, it’s that I believe in traditional gender roles and a woman’s need to be guided and led by a man.

The sometimes unsaid aspect of that dynamic is, of course, the need for discipline. I wrote once about discipline in general, about a woman’s need for a man to hold her accountable for her behaviour.

But, I didn’t discuss any specific types of discipline. So, I thought I would elaborate a bit on why I find physical discipline to be an important part of a traditional relationship.

I don’t think it should be the only kind of discipline in the relationship, there are other things that are just as important. But I do think physical discipline has its place. I think, for me, it's a bit different than it probably is for most. Whilst I find the idea of physical discipline very attractive and appealing, I don't enjoy the discipline itself at all! I hate pain and physical discipline is, to me, just what it should be - a painful and unpleasant experience that I try to avoid.

It's a gray area...I find the idea of physical discipline attractive because it represents the dynamic between my partner and I, because it signifies his power and my lack thereof...and because it makes me feel feminine and cared for and it reminds me that though I'm strong, he is stronger. And lastly, it is a very intimate act that stands as something only the two of us share.

When I've misbehaved, I'm disappointed in myself and regretful that I disappointed my partner...and I dread whatever punishment I will receive for my behaviour. But at the same time, I look forward to what the punishment will do and what it will mean. I look forward to feeling feminine and cared for, knowing that my partner has my well-being and our relationship at the forefront of his mind.

And I look forward to seeing and feeling his masculinity...I think that's the crux of why physical discipline is important in a relationship. It highlights the man's masculinity just as much as it highlights the woman's femininity. It brings to the surface some of the biological aspects that make men and women different and it does so in a manner that other types of discipline can't.

And though other types of punishments, restrictions for example, have their place, I don't think they bring those biological differences to the surface nearly as much. Sometimes, in order for me to feel my partner's power and dominance and to truly understand that I disobeyed, I need to feel his power. I need to feel his physical strength.

Further, it is the only form of discipline that is special between he and I. If I speed whilst driving, the courts can punish me through financial means or through taking away my licence...and my partner may do the latter when I get home! But only my partner can use such a powerful and immediate punishment as a spanking...it is that thing that only he can do to me.

There is, of course, a level of responsibility that he has to exercise. This is true with the entire relationship, but more so with physical discipline...I want to be able to trust my partner so much that I trust him to punish me with his physical strength, knowing that he won't hurt me, that he uses that physical strength because he loves me.

I think for me, physical discipline is a necessary component in overall discipline because it adds a level of intimacy, trust and power into the relationship that nothing else can replicate.

A real, actual post...

2009-03-23T20:07:00.003Z

It's been so long, I'm not even entirely sure where to start. I'm exhausted from my work day and my brain actually hurts...but there will always be some excuse not to post and despite it feeling a bit like an endless chore, I miss writing here. In some ways, not much has changed since I last wrote anything of substance...still single and still of that oh-so-rare traditional mind.

But some things have changed...I'm content with being single these days and I don't think I used to be...and though I'm still Little Miss Traditional, I realise more and more over time that the what of what I want in my future partner isn't as important as he is.

Much of my silence over this long period was due to sporadic periods of dating...and the realisation that this blog will get awkward in those times! A friend and once-date has told me several times that my blog is intimidating to someone I'm dating...that it puts too much out there. And even before he'd told me that, I worried about what to write when I started dating...I worried about how my words would be received by the man I'm dating, I worried about divulging too much about my life and in the process, writing about him...so I didn't write. I'm still not sure what the answer is on that, but it does give me pause.

So in addition to just being busy, lazy and tired...I've also been delaying writing because I just wasn't sure what to write or if I should write.

But, at least temporarily ignoring that whole thought process, I'm here writing again. Though none of the dating of late worked out, I still learned about myself...I learned that it isn't really a set list of criteria that attract me to a man, it's who he is that I become attracted to. I've known for a long time that I am far more attracted to personality than to looks, but I understand myself even more now in that regard.

Now, I have to preface the rest of this by saying that I was very fortunate that in the cases of both men that I dated recently, I didn't have to choose between personality and looks, they had both ;)

But looking back at what drew me to these men, their looks were merely icing on the cake. I don't want to go into the specifics of what I was attracted to in each instance, lest I do exactly what I just mentioned I didn't want to and bring these men's lives into my blog...but the important thing about my attraction is that they are very different from each other and yet I was very attracted in both instances. It wasn't that they met my pre-determined set of criteria, it was that I fell for who they are.

I've been teasingly accused, on several occasions in the past, of being far too specific in what I want in a man...and to be fair, I think that once upon a time, I was. I still have a basic set of things that are important to me in a mate...natural dominance being a big one, of course, but I've found that I am attracted to different things and much of the fun in the attraction is learning about that person.

So, I hope and intend to write much more often than I have been...and I hope I'll keep understanding myself more and more. That, after all, was why I started this blog in the first place! I absolutely love that people come across my writings and that I'm not the only one who thinks this way...but my long silence was probably worst on me ;) I hope I don't let it happen again for awhile...

Fingers crossed...

2009-03-23T08:27:00.001Z

Well, dear readers (if there are any of you left!), brace yourselves...I will be writing and posting an actual post this evening...I'm posting this to chastise and guilt myself into actually doing it!!

Until then, it's off to work for awhile...

Slowly getting there...

2008-12-29T12:20:00.002Z

It was, perhaps, unrealistic and overly optimistic to think that I'd get a post done over Christmas...things have been crazy hectic, as I'm sure they are for everyone.

I've just returned from a trip to America to see family and friends, but I am working on a post...loosely, it will be about more changes in what I want and who I am...I guess that's just what life is all about, isn't it?

I still want the fairytale...it's the specifics that keep changing :)

Happy New Year!

A quick update...

2008-12-13T17:28:00.002Z

Ok, I really and truly promise that I'm working on an actual new post...a bit of an update on where my thoughts are these days.

But just a quick update for now to say that I am finally employed again...I start early next month. To say I'm relieved is an understatement! It isn't really a very exciting job, but it's a job!

And on that note, I should get back to writing that post :)

Topics, topics, topics

2008-09-23T13:12:00.002+01:00

An entire summer has gone by and I haven't written a single thing! I have to admit, it hasn't been so much for a lack of topics to write about, I've had many of those pop in and out of my head...it's been a combination of being too lazy to form those thoughts into something coherent and of those very thoughts changing before I could write about them.

I think the next topic, which I really and truly will post about soon, will be about the public and private nature of all this...what's too much to write about? What should be shared? What should remain between the people involved and what should be shared with whomever happens across the words written?

So here it is, in print, my promise that I'll write that post before too too long...until then, I'm off to enjoy my (still unemployed) freedom.

Unplanned Silence

2008-07-28T21:22:00.003+01:00

Just a quick note because I know it's been a long while since I posted...I've had a couple of topics in my head to post about, but life has been quite busy lately - for good and bad reasons!

Bad news first...I was unexpectedly made redundant (laid off to you Americans) at work a few weeks ago. As career-minded as I'm not, it was a total shock and it felt like a giant failure...I cried for hours upon hours the day it happened.

But life goes on and I'm slowly seeing the silver-lining: I hated my job and now maybe I can find something I at least don't hate, maybe even something I enjoy :) As much as I still want the fairytale, for now I have to support myself and no one should have to work in something they hate!

And then, the good news busy is that in-between job-hunting, I'm enjoying my beloved city again and more importantly, I'm remembering what being home all day allows me to do...I've had the very happy opportunity to cook a few full meals lately, running all over London for the absolute perfect ingredients :)

I think the dinners were a hit and I can't wait to do it again...perhaps all this time at home will also give me the time to blog a bit!

Changing Ideals Over Time

2008-06-09T18:55:00.005+01:00

I’ve been thinking lately about how much I’ve changed since first discovering the concept of Taken in Hand, but also about how so many of my thoughts on the matter have stayed the same after all this time. I’ve changed in general, of course, because that’s how life works. Life is ever evolving and our ideals and views change over time as we grow and experience things, you can’t help but change as time goes on. But at the same time, some of who we are never changes.

Specifically, I’ve been thinking about how I have and haven’t changed in regard to my view of Taken in Hand and my own submissiveness. The main question I’ve been pondering recently is whether I’ve changed for the better or for the worse. I wonder whether I am more of an uber-feminine woman today than I was back then, or if I’m actually less so. I wonder if I’m more likely to find Mr. Right today than I was three years ago, or less so. Lol, some days I wonder if I am becoming exactly what I’ve always despised...a modern, independent woman who needs no one. But at the end of the day, I find that mentality far too irritating and depressing to (hopefully) ever really become that person. So, am I just going to spend my life wanting what I can’t have?

I’ve changed immensely in the last few years both as a person and as a woman; I’ve become stronger, wiser and more independent, but also more cynical and much less trusting of others. Where I was once a bit more vulnerable, I’m now strong and resilient. Where I once expected to find good in everyone I met, now I sometimes struggle not to expect the worst in people. Where I once thought I, as a woman, was simply incapable of independence, now I’ve achieved a significant amount of independence. And where I’d never really given much thought to the more old-fashioned pace of dating, now it’s something I love and hold dear.

My strength, resilience, lack of trust and cynicism mean that as much as I want to find the right man and let him lead and control me, I’ve been hurt enough times by now to become more adept and skilled at taking care of myself. After all, I know I can trust myself, right? But how do I know whom else I can trust? I’m wary of letting someone else control and guide me, because how do I know he’ll do a good job? How do I know I’ll be okay? How do I know his motives are in the right place? And further (and more importantly), how do I know I’ll actually be much better off under his guidance?

And yet somehow, even with my growing cynicism, I still want the fairytale. I want it more than I did since starting down this path.

Three years ago, when I first knew that I wanted a traditional relationship rather than a BDSM-oriented one, I’m not sure I knew anything other than handing myself over to any man who called himself dominant...in my extremely traditional view of men and women, I firmly believed that women never really get to a point where they can be successfully independent whereas men automatically achieve independence eventually. It’s a reprehensible thought to feminists everywhere, but it made sense to me. It still does in many ways, but I think my view has shifted a bit, because now I’ve achieved the very independence I thought women couldn’t…and I’ve met quite a few men who probably will never be responsible or independent! I still wonder if women can happily achieve independence. Is that independence a mark of honour or simply the result of never finding the right man to follow?

Back when I first started down this road, my biggest claims to independence were that I had lived 400 miles away from my family and friends for 18 months and that, upon moving back to my hometown, I bought a home. But I’d hated the town I moved to, and I’d had family help in buying my home. In my mind, that meant that I wasn’t really independent. I was certainly more so than many women, but it didn’t really count. I’d tried independence, but I hadn’t really succeeded.

But fast forward to two years after that and suddenly, I’d achieved more independence and success than most people, not just most women; I’d obtained an elite visa and had moved 4000 miles away from everyone I knew...and happily this time.

I do realise that I’m one person and that what I want isn’t necessarily what everyone else wants...but for me, at least, I’ve realised that yes I can achieve independence; I can hail my own cabs, dodge pickpocketers, buy my own home, move to another country...but at the end of the day, I don’t want to have this independence.

So, I suppose the overall change, for me, is that whilst I used to think I needed a man to lead me, now I merely want a man to lead me. Conventional society would read that as a healthy change, as a form of emotional growth. But this is the same society that frowns upon this very dynamic, so I can’t put much weight in its opinion! I myself am not really sure whether I’m better off now in my newfound change...in some ways it seems like it dilutes the meaning of his leadership. If I don’t need him, then why is he leading me? And further, am I less appealing to a dominant man now than I was back then? What’s more appealing: a woman who needs to be led because she cannot achieve independence or a woman who simply wants to be led because she doesn’t want the independence she did achieve? Further, what is more appealing to a man: taking the lead because it’s the woman’s automatic reaction to follow? Or taking the lead knowing that she is quelling her own gut reaction to just do things for herself? That in following him, she is undoing all the modern lessons she’s learned?

One of the things I often ponder to myself are the little things...when I walk into a restaurant with a man, it’s become more natural for me to simply state to the host that we need a table for two, rather than waiting for him to do so. I hate that, but I’ve just become so used to being on my own that waiting for him to speak is an after thought. I’ve accidentally hailed a cab whilst in the presence of a man, forgetting that he is the one who’s supposed to do that. I wonder if that makes me less submissive...if I have to work to let him be in the lead, am I really that feminine?

At the same time though, as time goes on and I understand myself more and more, I realise that in some ways, my independent and cynical nature is a safeguard, of sorts. I am independent enough today that I don’t automatically defer to every man I come across. Quite the opposite, I often quickly decide, based on his mannerisms and attitude, that I have to take the lead because he won’t. I truly hate being in that role, but at times, I’ve had to accept it, however reluctantly. But conversely, I have also had times where I’m surprised at myself...surprised at how natural and automatically I defer to a man. I have to think that in those instances, his own natural dominance comes out and I’m just comfortable and compelled not to protect myself...compelled and comfortable enough to be truly feminine in his presence. Except, even in those instances, despite loving feeling so feminine, I constantly worry and second-guess myself...wondering if I’m just reverting back to naivety and setting myself up for the fall. At some point though, I think you have to just trust your gut and try not to overanalyse. All the analysis in the world can’t predict the future...you just have to wait and see. Something I’ve never been very good at ;) One of those things that is much easier said than done.

The positive view of the change in my outlook is that the men I am attracted to today are, in general, extremely confident and comfortable in their dominance...I’m quite comfortable on my own and in my own abilities, so in order for a man to make me consider that he’s more capable than I am, he must be much more naturally dominant than the average man. In essence, due to my own growth, I am automatically attracted to men who are extremely responsible and capable...which means that, having waited to find Mr. Right, it’s more likely today that he will actually be Mr. Right than it was a few years ago. And I suppose that’s where I have, in fact, grown emotionally. Whilst I used to defer to a man with no expectations of what he might offer back, now I only offer my submission with the expectation – even insistence - that he will accept it with all the responsibility that comes with it. Whilst I might be initially drawn to submit to a man because he exudes an aura of dominance, I tend to realise quickly if my instincts were wrong; if he simply isn’t willing to stand up and be a man, taking the lead in a responsible and total manner. I guess, in other words, in order for me to increasingly trust a man, I need to see him show confident leadership more and more as time goes on. I need to see signs that he values me...I need to receive something back from him.

I go back and forth though, some days it makes complete sense to me that I’m better off today because I’m more careful with trusting men than I once was. But then some days I think I’m less likely to find someone, because I have less to offer today than I used to. I’m not a meek girl, incapable of taking care of herself...I’m not as endearing as I used to be. I often think I don’t exude an aura of soft femininity.

But, someone recently called me little and cute...and, as silly as it may sound, it felt like a huge compliment. It took me by surprise a little, because I often feel like I’m too capable. I often feel like I’m no longer little or cute...and as damaged as it sounds, I am cynical and distrustful enough at this point in my life that I’m afraid to be little and cute. I’m afraid of letting a man lead me because I worry I’ll get hurt, that he won’t act responsibly, that he isn’t who he says he is. As much as I want to submit, I’m afraid of being that vulnerable.

So, what does all of this mean from the man’s perspective? Is it true that I’m less appealing to Mr. Right today than I was a few years ago? Most of the naturally dominant men I’ve spoken to say that much of the appeal and reward in leading a woman is the feeling of responsibility; he is motivated and driven by the knowledge that he is taking care of someone else’s well-being, that she sees him as capable and trustworthy enough to excel with that responsibility. I’m inferring quite a bit, but it seems to me that in order to feel fully rewarded in that respect, he has to feel confident that his leadership is needed – that he’s taken responsibility for someone who would otherwise be worse off.

So by extension, doesn’t that make me less appealing? If I give a man responsibility for my well being, will he really feel fulfilled, knowing that if I had to be, I’d be fine on my own?

I wrote awhile ago about the idea of chivalry and courtship, about the old-fashioned pace of dating. That was something I hadn’t really given much thought to when I first started down this path..."do people really still do that??" I thought. But the more I thought about it, the more I realised that I loved, and maybe even needed, that pace in order to trust and submit to a man. In order for me to get past all that built up distrust and cynicism, I need to know that he values me and is strong enough to make difficult decisions. Further, I need to know that he understands – and agrees – with my view that the control, the guidance and really the relationship in general, is much, much more than just in the bedroom.

In many ways, I think it’s a testament to my confidence in my submission and my self-awareness that whilst my ideas about some of the attitudes and specifics around traditional gender roles and relations have changed, my ideas and attitudes about the overall concept have remained nearly completely static after all this time. I’m that much more sure today that I really and truly want and need a man to lead me because even through all my life changes and experiences over the last few years, I still want to hand all of it over.

I do still believe that the right man will do a far better job than I have done at leading my life...even through all my accomplishments, I still yearn to hand someone else the reins. I struggle often with motivation and self-discipline and I wish someone were around to control those behaviours...and I wish I were accountable to someone about getting home at a decent hour, etc. In short, I don’t really want this independence I seem to have acquired ;)

At the end of the day, we can’t change the past or undo our life experiences. Life is what it is and it’s much more pleasant and productive to take the positive lessons from life and move on than it is to dwell on mistakes and bad experiences...and I’m better at accomplishing that on some days than on others :)

The most positive aspect of all these changes and nonchanges in my ideals and attitudes is that I’m just that much more sure of what I want...and I’m also a bit more comfortable with the realisation that the exact specifics of what I want today aren’t necessarily what I’ll want next year. Case in point, I’ve had recent experience that’s making me question some of the very attitudes I’ve just mentioned...life isn’t ploughing along quite as I expected, but I’m rather enjoying the ride and trying to abstain from that overanalysing I’m so good at ;) I’m trying to force my distrustful and cynical self to shush up so that my feminine self can do its thing :)

Lastly, I suppose in a way, when I do find him, it’ll be that much sweeter than it would have been a few years ago; despite all this life experience, changing ideas and cynicism, I’ll have managed to find “him,” and he’ll be such a strong, kind and upstanding man that he wanted and managed to get me to trust him despite myself – to get me to finally be willing to go back to that trusting person I was a few years ago.

Craving control and the beauty of the word “no”

2008-05-17T17:13:00.004+01:00

I (obviously) am happier when under the leadership, guidance and control of a man than I am when left to my own devices. I’m certainly not unhappy on my own, I would just be happier, more content and better off in general if I were committed to a man who could lead and guide me. I love the feeling of security, the feeling of nurturing it provides and I love knowing that my obedience is twofold: I'm better off myself for his leadership, but I'm adding to someone else's happiness by allowing him to lead me.

I recently returned from a week-long trip back to the US, which was partly for work and partly to see family and friends. I have a standing treat for myself that whenever I go out of town, all calorie rules are off...whilst I’m normally quite careful about what and how much I eat, when I’m away, I eat whatever I want.

But, leave it to me to take something to the extreme! I almost feel obligated to eat all the time on these trips and I repeatedly take things too far, completely lacking self-control. I convince myself that I’ll later regret not eating xyz item because I can’t have it whenever I want and I think to myself that in retrospect, I’ll wish I’d eaten whatever it is. On trips to the US, this mentality is compounded because there are quite a few foods that I miss and can’t get over here in jolly old England. So I end up eating too much, feeling gross and becoming rather fixated on food and then when I get home and get on the scale, I feel horrible and I get mad at myself.

At this point in our happy little story, my ego needs the abyss of the web to know that I am quite thin and even post-holiday, I am by no means heavy :) But it's still not a good thing that I keep doing this to myself. Lol, I've a feeling that many of the female readers out there are emphatically and guiltily nodding their heads ;) Women love food. It's our thing.

This trip was really no different than any other trip and I’m now paying the price for my gluttony, frantically trying to shrink back down before I go on proper holiday (no work-related parts) next week…which, of course, means starting the whole cycle all over again! My clothes feel tight and I just feel disorganised and uncontrolled. I always manage to get back down to pre-holiday size pretty quickly upon my returns to London, but my figure is something I take quite a bit of pride in…I don’t enjoy damaging it. Unfortunately, I very much enjoy the activity that causes said damage ;)

And while I am frustrated with myself yet again, I’m also amused with the thoughts that went through my head all week. I wanted a man to stop me from myself. I wanted a man to say that no, I couldn’t have yet another piece of whatever I was eating, etc. I craved the accountability and active control that a Taken in Hand man would provide me. And I’m left to ponder why…a question I often ask myself. Why do I want to be led and, in essence, controlled by a man? Doesn’t it make me weak that I’m not more interested in or more skilled at controlling things myself?

Perhaps. But I’d like to think it’s simply my own acceptance of my feminine faults. I’m sure I’ll anger some readers by saying that women are more emotional than men, but I really think we are. My inability/unwillingness to stop myself from indulging in so many foods is because I’m thinking emotionally rather than logically. I’m being a woman.

I am compelled to respect and obey a man in large part because I see his control as an act of love and commitment. His leadership and guidance make me feel better about myself and make me feel wanted and needed.

Just as the reasons for my obedience are twofold, his leadership is too: firstly, he would control my behaviour to protect my well-being – to make me take care of myself and to prevent me from disappointing myself, such as I continue doing in this instance. I’ve managed to accomplish quite a bit in my life, but I still have weaknesses, as we all do, and one of my weaknesses is a lack of self-discipline…patience is a virtue that I do not possess. When I want something, I want it now and I’m not very adept at waiting until later. After all, what if later never comes? :) But the right man would make me wait until later, because that would be in my best interests.

But the second aspect of a man’s leadership is that he would guide my behaviour because he expects certain things from me for his own benefit…and in that respect, I love the control because it allows me to please him, despite my own lack of self-discipline getting in the way. I revel in his control because I know that my obedience pleases him and to me, his control signifies that I belong to him. He would guide my behaviour because we had committed ourselves to each other.

I’m aware of the concept of “mentoring,” where two people are basically engaging in the barebones aspect of accountability and discipline of Taken in Hand, without the monogamy, love and commitment. The man disciplines the woman, but they are not in a relationship. Whilst it seems to work for a number of people, it wouldn’t work for me because I need both components in order to be motivated to obey him. I need to feel confident not only that following his lead will lead to a better outcome for me, but also that I am making him happy in doing so. I guess I need to know that he relies on me as much as I rely on him.

So I could see the first aspect of mentoring working for me because through his control, I would be forced to wait until later to continue eating and my well-being would be ensured. But that would only take me so far...in order to be truly motivated, I would need that second aspect.

Two of the most appealing aspects of a Taken in Hand relationship, to me, are the ease of conflict resolution and the protection of the woman’s well-being. Within a Taken in Hand relationship, both of these aspects are dealt easily and effectively with through control and discipline.

In a traditional relationship, my man would simply be silently annoyed with my gluttony. He wouldn’t dare say anything to me because in modern times, a man is not allowed to call a woman on her faults, he’s supposed to pretend that she’s perfect and moreover, that she is independent and doesn’t need any help or input from him. When a woman asks if she looks fat in an outfit she’s wearing, the man is supposed to lie and say no. If a woman is eating too much, the man is supposed to be silent about his disdain toward her behaviour.

I know of such a couple…the woman once had a perfect figure, she was a beautiful bride and she took great pride in her appearance. But lately, she has gained a large amount of weight and she and her husband are both frustrated. She’s frustrated with her appearance and with his obvious disdain for her appearance. The husband is obviously frustrated…torn between his want for her to be happy again and for her to take care of herself and with his modern obligation to remain silent about her gluttonous behaviour. The latter mentality was winning when I last saw them and given that they are not (to my knowledge) in a Taken in Hand relationship, all he can really do is verbalise his frustration and disdain…verbalisations that are received by her as insults and then the two of them eventually argue over it and the issue remains unresolved.

It’s a never-ending vicious cycle. She needs guidance, but in today’s world, he isn’t supposed to give it…and as a result, her well-being is suffering and they are in constant conflict. It doesn’t seem like a very happy way to be.

Were I in her shoes, I would know that my husband simply wouldn’t allow that behaviour. I wouldn’t have reached the weight level that she has, because he would have stopped my behaviour before it reached unreasonable levels. And there wouldn’t be any conflict because we would both know that his word is final…and that he is allowed and even expected to express the otherwise verboten honesty required to change my behaviour…because that honesty would be in my best interests. I wouldn't take offence at his comments because I would know that he was doing what needed to be done.

But, in my current reality, on my own…I struggle back and forth, left to keep myself in check for now. I’m not in danger of reaching the weight levels that my friend has reached, because I am just too in love with being thin and I do behave myself most of the time…but I do wish I had someone to keep me from this particular roller coaster :)

So, after that long ramble...I find myself prepping for this next holiday, wishing for a bit of loving control :)

Chivalry and courtship in modern times

2008-05-04T12:57:00.002+01:00

David Brady’s comment about my last post was a perfect lead-in to a topic I’ve been thinking about lately – what’s left of chivalry in today’s society?

Firstly, whilst I’m nowhere near ready to start compromising my principles or my wants, if I’m going to prioritise the main qualities that I find more and less important in my dream guy, I would rank chivalry and gentlemanly behaviour slightly above dominance and leadership. Of course, I do want and need a man to guide and lead me if he and I are to successfully pursue a relationship.

But first, I need to be treated like a lady (I like to think I act like one!)…I need him to act like a gentleman…and perhaps more importantly, I need to respect a man in order to follow him – I need to know that my leader is a gentleman.

The bad news is that chivalry today is quite rare and we women have long-since been conditioned to make do without it. But the good news is that the few men left who understand what it means to be a gentleman have the opportunity to shine…because they are part of a rare and lovely breed.

I wish I could tell all of you men that we women love having chivalrous deeds bestowed upon us, but there are women out there who would beat me up for making such a sweeping statement :) So I’ll just say that if you do take the risk and act chivalrously, unsure how your good deed will be received, know that for those of us ladies who appreciate your efforts, we appreciate it even more because we know you took the risk of getting yelled at! :)

Chivalry’s original purpose was twofold: it served as a formal code for knighthood, with ritualistic and theatrical aspects intended to mould a man into a suitable knight. But since becoming a knight meant that a man was entitled to court ladies in the elite class, some of the codes of chivalry were related to romancing these ladies. The codes served to create an atmosphere of romance, tenderness and respect. A truly chivalrous man should be brave and strong enough to fight for his lady, but tender enough to romance her. Despite modern feminists’ claims that chivalry demeans women, its original (and still true) purpose was to put women up on a pedestal. And in addition to engaging in chivalry whilst pursuing a lady romantically, the code also required that men extend chivalrous deeds to any unaccompanied women.

It was and is a man’s duty to protect the women in his company.

From an overall (romantic or not) standpoint, I just love the civilised and respectful nature of chivalry. I love it when a man opens a door for me, offers to carry my bags or seems concerned for my safety whilst we are walking down the street. It makes me feel like a respected lady and it gives me respect for the man in question.

One of my oldest and dearest friends back in America is married to a southern gentleman. As far as I know, they do not have any sort of a TiH aspect to their marriage, but they have adopted relatively traditional roles. And his mannerisms not only toward her, but also toward all women, are a perfect example of basic chivalry…a gesture of respect from a man to a woman. When they lived in a home that required guests to park far away, he’d insist on walking me to my car if it was late when I left from visiting them; if the three of us went somewhere, he opened the car doors for both my friend and I. He treats my friend, his wife, like she is the most prized woman he has ever come across.

But he, unfortunately, serves as a rare and idealistic version of basic chivalry in modern times. His southern American roots placed him in one of the few places left where boys are still taught how to properly relate to and respect women. The reasons for the downfall of chivalry are varied and many and both men and women, for several generations back, are to blame.

Society, as a whole, started the ugliness, by forgetting how important women are to society; by insinuating, through both culture and law, that women should be treated as second-class citizens. At that point, it was more the fault of men than women, because it was men who were building and maintaining these norms. I don’t blame women back then for feeling a need to change things, I just wish they had gone about it a bit differently.

Because the manner with which women fought back was what really started the ugliness, creating the beginning of a gender war that is (still) killing everything chivalry once stood for. In the eyes of the early feminists, chivalry was suddenly to blame for the ill treatment of women.

The early feminists decided that the only way to gain respect was to become independent and redundant to men, taking on the same roles that men occupied…and by extension, the respect and courtesy so inherent in chivalry became both unnecessary and offensive.

Fast forward to today and the last generation of men who truly understood what it meant to be a chivalrous gentleman is long gone…and, save a few of them, today’s young men are nearly completely ignorant of what it means to treat a woman like a lady. Men and women have become identical and the idea of treating a woman differently, in any manner, is viewed as offensive.

Hindsight is 20/20 of course, but I have always wished that instead of abandoning their unappreciated feminine roles in favour of the masculine roles that were already respected by society, that the early feminists had worked harder to gain respect for feminine roles. I wish that instead of learning to hammer nails, women had worked harder to make sewing a respected skill.

I wish I lived in a society where it was commonplace for women to act as ladies and for men to act as gentlemen. The society I do live in is one where women have stopped acting like ladies and they’ve stopped expecting and requiring men to act like gentleman…we all simply act as inharmonious equals.

The realistic version of “chivalry” today is something as basic and simple as a man stooping to help a nearby woman collect something she dropped. I, as a woman, have been conditioned to appreciate something that small, because the likelihood of anything more chivalrous is unlikely. Most of my male friends treat me as an “equal,” I’m expected to find my own way home after a night out, to choose where we’ll eat, etc. Modern society has created an aura of independence and a lack of connectivity between a man and a woman, where chivalry once provided a deeply respectful connection.

And while chivalry should extend to all relations between a man and a woman, within a romantic relationship it takes on an additional level and dimension. In a romantic relationship, chivalry becomes courtship. And, as with platonic chivalry, that idea seems to be a dying concept.

When a man courts a woman, he pursues her romantically in a manner that is slow, sweet, and respectful…he makes it clear to her that he wants her for the long-term, not just for a quick fling. And, of course, in courting her, he is leading the relationship already. So I guess, in essence, courtship is how a man properly leads a lady into a relationship.

Again, if we put aside the overt power dynamic inherent in my ideal of a traditional relationship, then much of what is left is really a very romantic, innocent, respectful and civilised courtship. A silly and old-fashioned word I know, but when I look back at the men I’ve been attracted to, they all share certain characteristics. One of the major ones was that they were, in essence, courting me.

These men respected me and they understood that there is a certain level of intimacy and forwardness that can only happen once two people are committed to each other. That’s the nature of an old-fashioned relationship :) Later in the relationship, when he is leading me, I’ll know from his earlier courtship that he truly respects and values me.

I met a wonderful guy a couple of years ago and after we’d exchanged several lengthy emails, he ended his latest email with a very carefully worded request for my phone number. The language he used signified that he understood that a) it was his role to make such a request, not mine b) that he had no sinister intentions in his request and c) that he hoped he “wasn’t being too forward.” And silly as it may be, I was giddy just at the manner with which he asked. Later, when we decided we wanted to meet each other, he made it quite clear that it was his responsibility to be the first one to go to any travel expense and effort (we were not local to each other). Then he sent me flowers in anticipation of our meeting…sadly, there wasn’t any chemistry and that was that, but I’ll never forget how respected I felt throughout our communications. How much it seemed that my feelings and my worth as a woman mattered to him.

My ex’s method of pursuing me was similar…he built things slowly and though I was the one who did the travelling initially, that only happened after I assured him over and over that I wanted to do so…he too felt that travelling was his responsibility. He’d carefully thought out what I might want to do and see during my visit and he was ever mindful of my well-being – ensuring that I was dressed warmly enough, etc. Overall, again, I felt very much like I mattered to him…I wasn’t just anyone, I was someone he really wanted to be with. Throughout our relationship, he nearly always put my feelings and well-being in the forefront of his decisions. And whenever he faltered in that, he soon took it upon himself to apologise.

Last autumn, someone answered my Taken in Hand profile and we just really clicked…and in one of our many conversations, he was the first to actually refer to courtship by name. I’d never thought of it that way, I thought courtship was something that only happened in Jane Austen novels ;) But he spoke of the very slow path he thought a relationship should take, the respect a man should have for a woman he wanted to pursue. We never had a chance to meet, but his thoughts all sounded heavenly and lovely…and it was then that I realised how important courtship is to me…it’s really precisely why I never warmed to BDSM relationships. They’re cold and they lack the dance of courtship…a dance that I’ve found I love.

Whilst sitting on my couch one night recently, relaxing after a very long day, I received an instant message from another man who’d responded to my Taken in Hand profile last autumn. When I saw his nickname, I very vaguely recalled who he might be and I also recalled that our communication last fall had fizzled before it had really even begun. We only ever exchanged a few quick chats online. But it wasn’t until his second sentence to me the other night that I instantly remembered what had caused the fizzle.

“Are you still my little sub slut?” he typed.

I felt my eyes fly open and I felt myself bristle at my screen, instantly filled with anger and frustration at his utter lack of manners and gentlemanliness. I was merely a piece of (virtual) meat to this man, not worth being courted.

Clarifying to him where we had left off last fall and that I never was such a thing to him or anyone else, that I didn’t appreciate being referred to as such, and that he and I were looking for very different things, our conversation seemed to end. Of course, so did my relaxing moment on my couch, as I was suddenly livid at the disrespect I felt. It was the polar opposite feeling to being courted. I find that type of man far more reprehensible than the average modern man who simply doesn’t try to lead me.

I managed to get over it quickly and went about my evening, rest assured ;) I suppose it served as a good reminder of what I mostly definitely don’t want…and as a lovely reminder of one of the reasons why I treasure chivalry so much, because it isn’t very common.

Whilst the latter issue of a lack of leadership is frustrating because in my eyes, a man who doesn’t want to lead lacks confidence and/or is lazy, the former is just plain depressing…because a man who cannot bring himself to simply act as a gentleman, to be chivalrous, lacks respect for me…and perhaps for women in general. Except then I go back to what the feminists have done to men…is it that he doesn’t bother to show respect for women? Or is that he’s been conditioned to think we don’t want respect?

And really, that’s the most misunderstood thing about chivalry today, isn’t it? The radical (and delusional) feminists decided that chivalry existed because men viewed women as less than, as “weak.” And so in modern society, men are either afraid or disinterested in being chivalrous. It may be because they think it’s unwanted…but as time goes on, I think it’s also simply because no one taught them how to be gentlemen.

I agree with Mr. Brady in absolute terms, helping someone gather items they dropped is simply polite, not chivalrous. I have and would again help someone in that manner myself, I would never just stand there ignoring them…but in modern times, it seems like that’s the closest thing to chivalry I can usually hope for.

So, I guess to sum all of that up…we’re both unlucky and better off for the state of chivalry today. In a way, it would be nice for the dance of chivalry and courtship to be the norm…but in a way, it’s really rather lovely when I come across it unexpectedly. It’s like Christmas in July ;)

A wee bit of chivalry

2008-04-28T21:26:00.002+01:00

I've been very whiny lately, or so I feel like I have, and I've decided that I'm done being cranky and negative.

It's spring, it's getting warm and is almost time for spring dresses, it's no time to be cranky :)

And, to help me along, I was the recipient of a small bit of very much appreciated gentlemanly behaviour today.

I'd run out for lunch during what was a somewhat hectic day at work and, anxious not to hold up the fast-moving queue at the sandwich shop, I was frantically trying to get correct change out of my purse whilst I waited and, in doing so, I somehow managed to flip several things out of my purse and onto the floor. Credit cards, cash, all scattered around my feet.

Lol, so now I still didn't have the right change counted and my things were all over the place. As I scolded myself under my breath and knelt down (one can't bend in a skirt!) to gather all of my things, the gentleman behind me began helping me, handing me a £10 I had dropped.

It was, in the grand scheme of life, a small gesture...but it was one I very much appreciated and I thanked him profusely. I could be cynical, matter-of-fact even, and allow that he was simply being a decent fellow human being, maybe he was even just being selfish - I was next in the queue and my clumsiness was about to delay his purchase - but I'm going to allow that he was just, quite simply, being a gentleman.

I bought my sandwich and went on my way, feeling a little better about the world :)

A few interesting articles

2008-04-27T18:14:00.010+01:00

I've been happily knee-deep in intellectualism for much of the weekend and I spent a good few hours today wandering London's literary mecca on Charing Cross Road. I was actually in (successful) pursuit of a book on British politics because I'm geeky enough that it struck me as a fun topic for bedtime reading ;)

But I also wandered the sections of my other loves...psychology, sociology, philosophy, etc. I even stomached the women's studies/feminism section at Foyles for a few minutes. Every time I go into a bookstore, I'm hopeful that suddenly, the women's studies section will include some book written by a woman who isn't delusional and angry, a woman who understands that our feminine qualities are our greatest assets, not weaknesses. But, alas, all I saw were things talking about men as the enemy, etc, and I felt myself getting grumpy so I moved on.

I even started on my own delusion for a few minutes whilst I stood there, that maybe I would write a book. But a) I don't think I could manage the motivation! b) it would most likely be a dreadful and incomprehensible book and c) the book, I really think, would have to be under a pseudo name. And in the off chance it wasn't dreadful, I'd be so proud of myself that I'd want to tell everyone I know and I wouldn't be able to. So the book will probably never be written ;)

But I've also spent time over the weekend using the wonders of the 21st century, indulging my intellectual curiosity on my laptop, from my comfy couch :) And in doing so, I was able to find what I couldn't find in the women's studies section at the bookstore...articles that promote and celebrate gender differences and the old-fashioned notion of chivalry.

They're actually all written by the same person, Dr. Terrence Moore...a man who seems like one of the few sane people left on this planet ;)

The first article, "Heather's Compromise : Settling for Mr. Right Now," discusses things from the frustrated and somewhat depressing perspective of women today. The article says that there are three types of women today, none of whom are finding what we really want and need - a true gentleman. There's the party girl, who neither has nor wants any relationship fulfillment, she just wants instant gratification. There's the girlfriend, the woman who bounces from man to man, desperately hoping he's The One, but always ending up alone. And then there's the romantic, who is waiting for the actual One, yet is frustrated that he just doesn't seem to exist.

I think I'm in that last category...at least I hope I am and as frustrated as I am, I have to think and hope that there are a few single true gentlemen left in this world and that I'll find one who also has all those other qualities I want :)

The second article, "A Return to Chivalry?," is a fascinating article on what the youth of today think about chivalry. I started to quote things from the article here, but I was nearly quoting the entire thing! Dr. Moore even quoted the fabulous Christina Hoff Sommers, author of "Who Stole Feminism?," It's one of those articles where I found myself nodding emphatically, yet sadly...because in some ways it was further confirmation that I am in fact one of the few traditional ones left. But on the other hand, the article gives me hope - as does this blog - that maybe there are quite a few of us who feel that chivalry is honourable and not dead...it's just that none of us really know how to say so.

The last article, "Wimps and Barbarians: The Sons of Murphy Brown," discusses families today and how current and future generations of men aren't being allowed or directed to be men...and we, society, are suffering from that lack of direction. As with the first two articles, it is a fascinatingly eye-opening, if not depressing, look at where society is heading with our abandonment of traditional gender roles.

So...in some ways I'm comforted to read that I'm not losing my mind, that others think as I do. But in other ways...are traditional roles dying out? Are those of us who hope to find true gentlemen simply kidding ourselves?

I don't know...but again, I'll continue to hope he's out there :)

shameless plug for new Google group about male-led relationships

2008-04-25T22:18:00.005+01:00

shameless because I started the group ;) It's called Male-Led Relationships in the UK and is intended to promote and encourage discussion on the idea of a relationship based on traditional gender roles. I started it last fall, but then just never got around to doing anything with it.

However, I want and hope to make something of the group now. I think it would be a lovely way for those of us interested in this concept to be able to discuss our thoughts openly.

Additionally, I created a personals page on the group for those of us still looking for a partner to describe what we hope to find.

I've been touched and flattered to discover how many people are interested in my writings here, so hopefully some of you will pop over to the group and join :)

It can be found at:

http://groups.google.co.uk/group/male-led-relationships?hl=en

A rewrite...

2008-04-21T12:58:00.004+01:00

It was nearly two and a half years ago that I wrote the profile I have here on my blog, originally writing it for the Taken in Hand personals section.

I've spent much of the last few days pondering what has changed since then and what is still true and I've rewritten what I wrote (posted down the right side of my blog homepage).

I don't think my overall thoughts have changed much, except that, a couple years older and wiser, I'm that much confident in who I am and what I want...I just hope I eventually find it ;)

Until then, spring is desperately trying to appear here in London and there are cute dresses in store windows everywhere....I feel a shopping urge coming on :D

The selflessness inherent in dominance

2008-04-16T19:28:00.003+01:00

I’ve talked before about the selflessness required and inherent in submission, but I’ve been thinking lately about the selflessness required in dominance…and I’ve finally organised my thoughts into at least slight organisation ;) Of the many lessons I’ve learned thus far in life, one of them is that to an extent, neither party is truly selfless, but both partners do act selflessly in many ways.

And without a doubt, a man who leads a woman is acting selflessly. He has accepted the responsibility of his lady's welfare, a responsibility that may mean difficult decisions. In return, he has a lady who will do everything she can to please him and he has the rewarding knowledge of knowing that his decisions benefit another person.

As a somewhat goofy example, on the show “Friends,” there was an episode where Phoebe sets out on a quest to do something “completely selfless.” By her definition, this means she has to do something that benefits someone else, but it has to be something that doesn’t benefit her at all. Throughout the episode, she tries various things, but continually feels defeated because eventually, she realises that she did benefit from each act. At one point, she even decides that feeling good about her good deed makes it a selfish act. Basically, in Phoebe’s mind, selflessness and selfishness cannot exist at the same time…but I think they can and usually do. I honestly forget how she finally resolved her quest, but it’s a silly, (but still relevant) analogy of how there must be a certain level of selflessness in a Taken in Hand relationship, but that at the end of the day, there’s still an inherent and perfectly reasonable level of selfishness too. We are drawn to selflessness because it makes us feel good about ourselves, because we enjoy making others happy…but we’re also drawn to it because we want the object of our selflessness to reciprocate and because we want to feel wanted and needed.

Whilst I can’t speak for anyone else, I know that for me, much of the appeal in submission is twofold: I absolutely love to do nice things for my man, to act and behave in manners that make him happy and boost his ego. But I also love that I’m important enough to him that he makes the effort to set and carry out rules for me, and I love that he not only wants my contributions, but that to some extent he needs them.

On the surface, the man’s job might look easy. He gets everything “his way,” his wife is at his beck and call and he can do as he pleases. But with a truly dominant man, a head of a household, that is anything but true.

Whilst the woman has given up her independence in order to submit to a man, she gains far more in return. She gains the security and stability of entrusting herself and her well-being to her man, knowing that he will always strive to do what is best for her – even if that means extra difficulty for himself. And she gains the happiness that he values her…that he would miss her selflessness greatly if it ceased.

So, following that, a truly dominant man makes his decisions based on what is best for both of them…often times sacrificing his own wants for her needs. He must take into account her well-being, her needs and perhaps most importantly, her feminine nature and her feelings. A dominant man has the responsibility of acting maturely and doing what is right, rather than doing what feels good or what might be easier. In essence, one of the marks of a naturally dominant and mature man is his ability to make difficult and sound decisions. And there is an enormous amount of selflessness in that.

Someone I know who agrees with traditional gender roles recently told me that he wanted and expected obedience and compliance from the women he knows…even those who are just friends (only those who are submissively-minded, of course). I was merely surprised by the statement at the time, but as time goes on, I find myself a bit bothered by it. In that scenario, the woman is expected to act selflessly, full stop…it requires work and emotional commitment on her part, but no commitment on his part. I’m having a hard time understanding what the woman gets from the scenario. She does get the immediate gratification of having pleased him, but if there is no work or commitment on his part, then her joy is short-lived. Because he doesn’t need her, and that dynamic requires absolutely no commitment from him…he enjoys the submissive companionship for as long as it suits him and then that’s it, services no longer needed. His rationale for this scenario was that since the power distribution is unbalanced, then the benefit is as well. But I think that’s where I disagree…the man holds the authority in the relationship, of course, but both partners benefit equally from it. Otherwise, isn’t it just dysfunctional? It brings me back to my feeling that much of the joy of submission for me is the knowledge that he needs me as much as I need him…that I’m valued, wanted and needed.

And conversely, I want to know that I am the only one who obeys my man...it goes back to feeling valued, wanted and needed. If another woman is obeying him, then am I really providing anything to him?

In all honesty, I myself am not a radically selfless person…but I know from experience that when I feel wanted, needed and valued by a man, I am compelled and drawn to obey him, to please him…to act selflessly. It isn’t something I have to remind myself to do or something that feels like a chore, it feels like perfection. I want to please him as much as he is pleasing me. But, I don’t feel compelled to obey every man who requests it of me…I need to receive something back in return.

I do think that women should defer, in very small ways, to men in general. I think that women shouldn’t use foul language, but I’m ok with men doing so. I think that men should always open doors for women, offer to carry their bags, etc. But, I don’t think that all women should obey all men. I think that a woman should only obey the rules of a man who has made a commitment to her…her obedience should come not only from wanting to please him, but also from the knowledge and security that he will value that obedience and that he will take care of her.

The general public criticises traditional gender roles largely because they claim that women suffer from it, from being unvalued…and I find that mentality frustrating because in my mind, I would be valued more for my submission…I become more ingrained in his life as a result, not less so.

I was having dinner with someone else a couple of weeks ago, another man who shares my views on traditional gender roles, and I surprised myself by stating “I don’t even want to date right now. I know I’ll regret it later, but I just don’t.” And it wasn’t until later that I realised that it’s not that I don’t want to find the right man…I do, very much. It’s that dating is so frustrating and tiring and feels so useless, because those selfless men seem so rare. I go on so many dates, only to meet men who are too scared, too unwilling or too unable to stand up and be selfless, dominant men. They talk the talk magically…but the walk just isn’t there.

As strong as I may be at this point in my life, perfectly capable of taking care of myself and enjoying single life, I miss the selflessness of submission…I miss having someone to please, I miss the motivation of knowing that I’m obeying someone, that my actions are making that person feel wanted and needed. I miss making a man feel important. I miss the accountability…but mostly, I miss knowing that a man cares enough about me to act selflessly toward me.

I’ve realised that it hampers my own motivation if I don’t feel confident that he himself is acting selflessly…I need to know that the rules and structure he’s set up are making both of us better people, that those rules and structure are bringing us closer together. I need to know that he cares about the relationship as much as I do.

It all goes back to the fairytale…I want the fairytale :)

Femininity does not equal craziness, thankfully :)

2008-04-14T17:46:00.009+01:00

I've just come back from a quick holiday with friends and I have all the hope in the world that I'll finish that silly post on the selflessness of dominance this week, but in the mean time, I wanted to say a few words about the last few comments I've received on previous entries...to those readers: thank you.

To Egghead: firstly, thank you for being a true man...your confidence in your own dominance and the way it sounds like you lead your family are encouragement that this does work. And to some extent, I agree that the fact I've "come close" to finding him is encouraging...but in nearly all of the instances of meeting a possible "him," I discovered that each man wasn't really willing to live up to his words...so, I find myself unwillingly cynical toward trusting men at their words :/ But regardless...I'm a woman and I can only exercise so much logic...there comes a point when my heart will take over and no matter how hard I try not to, I'll fall for someone. Hopefully next time, I'll fall for someone worth falling for :)

To wild girl: you're very, very right...and I know all of what you said. I've spent my life knowing that the attitude you carry shows to others...we all think we can fool everyone else, but we can't. When you're unhappy, it shows and you repel others. When you're happy, it shows and everyone wants to be near you. Part of my frustration with myself is that in wallowing and sitting in regret, I'm needlessly wasting time and part of my life. But it's difficult to break out of it, as we all know. I'm getting there, however slowly and unwillingly. I'm so sorry for your loss wild girl...and getting through that had to be 1000 times more difficult than what I've weathered. And yet, you did...so thank you for reminding me that life is meant to be enjoyed, no matter what gets thrown at us :)

The quantum physics example is a perfect reminder - and a lovely metaphor - that I don't know what tomorrow brings. And if I stop paying attention to tomorrow, I might miss that 51% :) I don't want to settle for 50% and spend the rest of my life regretting how close I was to 51%.

I'm getting back to that confidence that I'm better off this way...that the longer I have to wait for Mr. Right, the more I'll appreciate him and the more I'll know he is, in fact, Mr. Right. I'm still increasingly cynical and distrustful that this fairytale I want really exists...I've met so many men who talk the talk, but don't walk the walk, that I still wonder if any men really walk the walk. But I'm still hopeful and I'm still waiting for Mr. Right.

To the person who responded to my post on assertiveness...I'm really touched and flattered that despite the fact that we obviously have very different and opposing views on things, you still related to my words. It gives me hope that perhaps I'm not all that unique and crazy...that perhaps in a way, we all want the same thing. Everyone deserves true happiness...hopefully I'll find mine :)

Regret and Lessons Learned

2008-04-08T20:04:00.004+01:00

I’m afraid I just don’t have the energy right now to finish that post on the selflessness of dominance…but I have a bit of a different topic that I do have the energy to write about:

Regret and the uselessness of fixating on it, despite the fact that you can’t help but indulge in it sometimes. And further, that women lead with their hearts…we seem to have to make an extra effort to think logically. It’s a catch-22: I, as a woman, make decisions emotionally, a trait that the right man for me will find endearing. But for now, on my own, it is my worst detriment. And finally, that sometimes you just have to believe that everything happens for a reason…that there should be no such thing as regret because something better will come along. I’m trying to have faith in that last one, really I am.

At the end of the day, I have to think I’m strong enough and courageous enough to hold out for the right thing and that I’m not going to settle for mediocrity. Because I deserve the right thing…and more importantly, because that future right guy deserves a woman who thinks the world of him, not a woman who’s just settled for him.

Ever since I realised that I want and need a TiH relationship, I’ve maintained that I won’t settle…that though what I want feels like a fairytale, I’m convinced that somewhere out there, it exists…that he exists. I try to believe – and I usually do – that everything in life is a lesson, that my fairytale will happen someday and that the longer it takes, I will just be that much more sure that it really is the fairytale. But sometimes I’m terrified that it never will…that I’ve made too many wrong choices, missed too many tiny windows of hope for it to ever happen. After all, how many chances do we each get in life? Perhaps I’ve used all of mine up.

I’m feeling a bit of a sting today and when you couple the sting with lots of little things going wrong lately, I was awake all night last night, indulging in regret whilst staring at the ceiling cursing myself for stupid mistakes. Mistakes of the heart. Feminine mistakes.

I mentioned a few weeks ago that the TiH profile of a man I met once is now listed as “no longer available,” and that I wondered if he’d met someone, if he might even be married. Well, deep in introspection last night, I spent awhile doing what we all do from time to time, Googling people I haven’t seen or heard from in forever.

I discovered that a few more high school classmates are married, I discovered that a friend I’ve long since lost touch with moved across the US, to the dreaded west coast :) And then the sting…I discovered – I’m quite sure at least – that the man I once met from the TiH site has, in fact, married. And a few clicks later, using my elephant-like memory and the realisation that there were too many coincidences of names and events for it not to be so, I realised that he married the woman who I think he met just the day before he and I met.

The details are a long story and not one I would tell here, lest I divulge things that should remain private, but the summary is, I am quite sure that this gentleman married a woman he met just before he met me. Whilst it’s entirely possible that there wouldn’t have been any chemistry between he and I anyway, as it was, I never stood a chance. When he and I met face to face, she had just snapped up his heart and I no longer mattered to him. Bad timing.

And it’s very possible and likely that if it weren’t for my own mistakes and bad timing, then I could have met him weeks earlier, when his heart was still available. It is also, of course, entirely possible that I have no reason for regret…that he just didn’t want me and whether or not he’d met someone else is irrelevant.

But, I am knee deep in regret right now for poor timing, for misplaced priorities and thinking with my heart, for bad luck. Not really over him specifically, more over what this signifies in the bigger picture - the continuing trend across my life. When I finally responded to his profile, I had been all over the map emotionally for the previous six weeks and was delaying moving on to better things because I was trying to change the past.

I’m too picky for my own good and I’ve met many men where there just wasn’t anything there…we all have, I think. But I’ve met a few who I just really clicked with, right off the bat. And for the six weeks before I replied to this gentleman’s profile, I’d been on an emotional roller-coaster, thinking I’d met the perfect man elsewhere…twice.

So, due to my wallowing, due to the regret that I was fixated on over these other men – men I now look back on and wonder what on earth I was attracted to – I delayed meeting someone who quite likely was the fairytale. I delayed things for so long that I missed my window with him, if there was one.

Part of missing the window was that I responded to my ex’s profile first. And though I don’t regret that part in the slightest even now, most of it was due to wallowing in regret over the wrong men. I was wallowing over nothing.

After this gentleman and I met - after over a month of intense email and phone communication - and he said he didn’t feel any chemistry, I went through the weeks of wallowing, of wishing for things to have turned out differently.

But, I went on to feel happy and ecstatic weeks later when I met my now ex, who was everything I’d been looking for and more, and I put aside every last feeling of regret for guy #2. I heard from him at about that time and he said he’d met someone…and there were hints that I was right, that they’d met just before we did.

But here we are, nearly two and a half years later, I’m back to square one – guy #1 didn’t want to spend forever with me, guy #2 is spending forever with another woman…and I’ve just spent the past six months putting entirely too much energy and hope into a man who wasn’t the fairytale. Yet again, I followed my heart and not my head and ignored the fact that he just doesn't want the fairytale as much as I do, and in a way, I let myself get used and thrown away...not a pleasant thought. But overall, the worst part is that I had myself on mental hold for six months, waiting for someone who didn't want me...possibly missing out on someone who does.

And the moral of the story is that I spent many an hour last night, laying in bed, wondering what could have been if I had responded to guy #2’s profile when I first saw it, when I had more time to capture his heart…when I was too preoccupied with regret to muster the energy to respond. I wondered where I would be right now if I hadn't been pining over this other man for the last six months.

In other words, it’s a viscous cycle. I’m sitting here regretting my regret! Exactly what I shouldn’t be doing. I don’t think I’d have met my now ex if guy #2 and I had worked out, so that’s a reason not to feel regret. I know I wouldn’t be living in the UK and I do love it here, so that’s another reason not to feel regret. Except, I can’t help but overanalyse and allow that ignorance can be bliss: if I’d never met my now ex, I wouldn’t know that I’m better for knowing him. And, if he and I hadn’t dated, I wouldn’t know how much I love the UK…so, I don’t know.

I do know that I’m using every ounce of energy I have to quell my feminine heart just enough to get on with life…to keep my eyes open for an actual great guy who really is the fairytale…a guy who is strong enough for me to let go and legitimately let my feminine heart take over. Because the thing about regret is that you can’t change the past. You can and should learn from it, but you can’t change it. So I’d like to think that I’ve learned to keep my eyes open for great guys, to keep them open for the fakes and to learn from, but not regret, the past.

We’ll see if I can stick to that. I would like to think that I’ve finally grown enough to keep that femininity in check just long enough to find a guy who is worthy of my letting it show.

Just too exhausted...

2008-04-04T22:33:00.002+01:00

I have a post in the works, about the selflessness of dominance. But I've just been really exhausted lately...just physically and mentally drained I guess. I keep sitting down to work on it and I just can't motivate myself to get anywhere...hopefully I will in the next few days though.

Right now, it's a rather jumbled hodge podge of my disorganised thoughts ;) It needs a bit of a focus before I blast it here...I just wish I weren't so tired :/ And I'm doing last minute plans for a trip to France with friends next weekend, a trip which I stupidly volunteered to organise...so what little energy I do have has been focused on that.

So anyway, stay tuned...someday, hopefully soon, I'll post again :)

Assertiveness and Femininity

2008-03-25T12:05:00.002Z

I spent much of the weekend on a little spa retreat in Wales, alone with my thoughts and really quite in heaven. But that time alone started a train of thought on strength…wondering if perhaps all this independence and time on my own has made me too strong to ever find “him.” Because, of course, the man who can successfully lead me has to be even stronger and wiser than I am. And the stronger I become, the smaller that pool of stronger men becomes.

I’ve been told all my life that I’m stronger and braver than most people, but it’s never really sunk in. Because I tend to think I’m quintessentially feminine and afraid of confrontation and risk…I don’t like vagueness and I like to know that things will work out. But life rarely works that way…and I think I accept that reality more than I think I do.

Though I’m lucky that as an adult, there are few lasting effects and to meet me, you'd hardly notice anything, as a child I had brain surgery twice and I had to learn to walk again as a pre-teen. I lost my father to heart disease when I was a teenager…and, of course, moved across an ocean by myself last summer, with no friends, no home or a job on the other side ;) So, I suppose getting through all of that makes me quite brave and able to accept the unknown. I think it’s safe to say that I’ve had more obstacles thrown at me than most people…and I think that overcoming those obstacles is much of what drives my quest for perfection. It isn't enough to just make due with what's easy, I want the best.

I have always been a perfectionist, always setting my sights on the best. When I prepare a meal, I research several different recipes, usually taking a little bit from several different ones for my final product, working exhaustingly in the hopes that my dish will be the best my guests have ever tasted. I make sure I buy the best and freshest ingredients, even if it means visiting several different stores. I make sure that I’m using the best techniques. When I travel, I research my options to an exhaustive degree…ensuring that I’m making the trip as perfect as possible. When I shop for clothes, I’m often frustrated because the garments have one or two small details I don’t like…or they’re missing a detail that I’ve envisioned in my mind. They aren’t at the level of perfection I hope for.

All of that research and planning is all to satisfy my want and need to achieve the best. After all, settling for less may be easier, but it means sacrificing some of my happiness…and maybe others’ happiness, and neither are viable options to me.

I’ve become the same way with relationships. I’d always been picky…choosing to be single rather than date just anyone, but since deciding that I want and need a Taken in Hand relationship, I’ve become much more selective. Because I would rather remain single for now, leaving the hope and opportunity of finding “him” a real possibility, than settle for less – trapping myself forever in a relationship that I don’t really want. The latter wouldn’t be fair to me or to him.

My perfectionism definitely extends into relationships and I love striving for perfection in everything I do for the man I’m with…in going the extra mile to make him happy. But, I’ve never really thought of myself as a risk taker…or as someone who’s all that courageous. But I’m starting to realise that I’m both of those things…and I need a man who is more so, a man strong enough to do the right thing even when it’s difficult. A man who values his own happiness enough to take the bumpier road, in the hopes of finding the pot of gold at the end…even though it means taking the risk of finding an empty pot at the end.

If I am going to entrust my entire well-being and future to a man, I need to know that he makes his decisions with my feelings and needs at the forefront of his mind, ensuring his own happiness but also being mindful and considerate of me. I need to know that he doesn’t make decisions by settling for the easier, less satisfying route. I can’t respect a man who doesn’t strive for perfection, who is afraid to take risks.

Back to the weekend – it was really relaxing and the hotel I’d chosen was quite lovely…but there were a few glitches along the way and I found myself easily sticking up for myself, resolving the issues in a polite yet firm manner. I was doing things that are really best suited to a man and I was doing them mostly effortlessly.

My train tickets had been all manner of messed up, due to a host of mistakes and mishaps by the oh-so-lovely British Rail system…the details of which make a very long story, but due to my insistence that they fix their mistake, they (hopefully) will. In days past, I’d have been very upset and annoyed at the mistake, but I’d have suffered silently, too shy, feminine and afraid of confrontation to do anything about the situation. Or, I’d do that for awhile, eventually coming unglued and yelling at whoever answered the phone. All the while, I’d sulk about how my perfect holiday had been ruined. But this time, I just calmly kept persisting, calling number after number, politely yet firmly explaining the situation until it was finally resolved…reminding myself the whole time that if I wasn’t able to resolve it, the world would not end ;)

When I arrived at my hotel, there had been a computer glitch and I was allotted a room at a quality level below what I had booked. I stood there looking about the mediocre room, pondering my options. I could do as I’ve always done, I thought, and just suffer silently…lamenting in my head about the much nicer room I’d been looking forward to for weeks, the one I had paid for. Or, I could use my newfound courage and stand up for myself, as I did with the train situation.

It only took a few seconds to decide and, grabbing my room key, I dragged myself back to reception to enquire about the problem. After waiting patiently in the queue, smiling sheepishly and apologetically several times at the gentleman behind the desk – because I was obviously there to complain – I prefaced my complaint by apologising for being difficult and explained that there had been a mistake in my booking. At first, he argued that I’d been booked correctly, but after a few more minutes of looking through my reservation, he realised that I was correct. And in that time, I didn’t walk away defeated, but I also didn’t lose my temper or even get annoyed.

It was quite late in the afternoon and they had booked all of the rooms at the level I’d paid for, so were searching for what was available. In an extra bout of bravery that surprised me even as it came out of my mouth, I enquired about being comped an upgrade to the next higher level of room…the best room in the hotel. Those were all booked as well it seemed (and I did know that the hotel was fully booked for the weekend, so I don’t think they were lying! ;) ). But they found a room – the manager referred to it as his favourite room in the whole hotel – and they were refunding the difference in cost to me.

And it turns out that I was being given the nicest room in the hotel, at this lower level of quality…and it was utterly lovely, I didn’t miss my intended room one bit and I was feeling rather lucky, this less costly room was quite private and perfect really. And as the manager left me to unpack and get settled in this lovely room, savouring its incredible view, I realised that the whole interaction had been painless, easy and pleasant. For a few minutes of assertive effort on my part, I’d scored an even better holiday for myself. But I couldn’t help but engage in a wee bit of wishful thinking that there had a man to do all that resolving for me…that I could’ve been sitting gingerly and patiently in the lobby, whilst he fixed the room situation.

Later that evening, arriving for the dinner reservations included in my stay, I had to wait a few minutes because they’d forgotten my reservation. When I was finally seated, service was quite slow and 30 minutes had passed by the time my order was taken. And by then, they were out of the only starter I fancied off the set menu…I again had that momentary “what to do, what to do” dilemma. But, reminding myself that this was my holiday, that I deserved an enjoyable meal, I took a deep breath and, with an apologetic smile to the server, asked to see the manager. When he arrived, I smiled my best feminine and sheepish smile and explained the forgotten reservation, the slow service and requested a starter off the a la carte menu, without incurring extra cost, as compensation. I was a bit dumbfounded and amazed that it was that easy, but it was…he smiled, agreed and apologised. The food was fantastic and I gushed to the staff each chance I had. And each time I saw both the host and the manager throughout the weekend, they seemed to go out of their way to smile and greet me.

In each of those interactions, I managed to maintain my femininity, yet also stand up for myself. I suppose, in a way, my constant apologising was partly an acknowledgement that I, as a lady, am not supposed to be the one resolving these situations. And I have to wonder if my very acknowledgment of that helped my case…if my sheepish smiles and my reluctantly firm tones made these men more likely to want to assist me.

Whilst it did feel good, to some extent, to stand up for myself…I couldn’t help but wish I didn’t have to. I couldn’t help but wish that a man were resolving these issues on my behalf, leaving me to maintain my femininity.

I’m most certainly still quite feminine in some ways...I indulged a bit too much in various ways over the weekend, indulgences that might not have been allowed under the guidance and rules of a man. And though I did very much enjoy those indulgences at the time, I’m now wishing that someone had been keeping me in check!

But, I guess the summary of all of that is that my perfectionism requires that I not settle for less than the best in a relationship. I’m strong enough, I think, to be true to that statement. And I need a strong man, willing to go the extra mile to achieve the best and do the right thing. I may be getting stronger and more assertive as time goes on, but it’s a strength I would happily shelve if it weren’t needed ;)

Now that's better

2008-03-16T20:17:00.003Z

Well, after my post last night, I went through the small still-clean section of my clothes and picked out a skirt and coordinating top for today...I wanted to make sure I wouldn't get lazy today.

So this morning, after my "run," which was actually a fast walk, due to the blister on my foot being too sore to allow me to run, I came home and, after a quick shower, changed into proper clothes...the skirt and the top I'd laid out last night.

It was just a knee-length knit skirt, casual and appropriate for a Sunday afternoon of walking around London...but most importantly, it was a feminine outfit. I stood in front of my full-length mirror and didn't need to think and rationalise my appearance, as I did yesterday...I looked feminine today and that was enough.

I started out with a boring but needed errand at an area department store...and in contrast to my feeling yesterday, that constant nagging that I wasn't presenting myself in a feminine manner, I walked around collecting the items I needed in total confidence...in my skirt, I felt appropriately feminine. Despite its casualness, I was still more formal than most of the women around me, but I didn't care. I was just happy to appear feminine.

And in a possibly coincidental, but cute gesture, the male cashier expressed concerned that I intended to carry my bulky (but not heavy) purchases the half a mile back to my flat, on foot. I smiled, assured him I'd manage, and went on my skirt-clad way. Perhaps he'd have expressed that concern regardless of my outfit, but perhaps not. I like to think that my feminine appearance had something to do with his concern.

Mother nature was being a bit evil on my walk home and the wind and rain did, in fact, make carrying those items rather unpleasant...but eventually, I arrived home and, depositing my items and resting for a moment, I was back out the door to one of my favourite places in London - Fortnum & Mason.

Now, Sunday at Fortnum & Mason is slightly less pleasant than usual, with the hoards of tourists roaming around, but still...it's just so elegant and lovely and steeped in tradition. I could happily wander the food halls for hours.

And it isn't just Fortnum's itself...walking south from my flat on the way there takes me through lovely and quiet streets off Oxford Street, where I can drool at dresses in store windows that I'll never be able to afford, reveling in the fact that I at least live near these lovely shops. Really, the whole journey is always a treat in elegance for me. And as I walked, I pondered how my outfit affected my mood. 'What if I were in jeans and trainers?' I thought. Well, I'd feel almost like an imposter, walking past these couture shops, on my way to Fortnum's regal building...jeans almost seems rude, as though I'm not willing to play my part and be a lady whilst in the presence of the formality and class I walked into.

The food halls at Fortnum's were my destination today, I was treating myself to a box of chocolates for my upcoming holiday to Wales...because though I do love being thin, holidays are always a time for splurging. Though I've chosen some deliciously gourmet restaurants at my destination, these are just a treat I know I'll have over the weekend, whenever I want them. So, after many minutes of deciding which chocolates to buy - decisions not being my strong suit ;) - I got the attention of a very nice (and skirt wearing!) associate and loaded up on my chosen chocolates. Sadly, I didn't have hours today to wander around, but I did have a few spare minutes after finishing with the chocolate purchase...so wander I did.

Perhaps my setback in jeans yesterday was a good thing...it made me really appreciate that though they can be a hassle, skirts are worth it. Walking around Fortnum's glorious shelves of goodies after goodies, I thought back to the days when all of the women in this very store - walking on the very floor I was on - were in skirts and dresses. *Sigh*, another realisation that I was born a century too late :)

After awhile, I left and made my way home, back through the lovely quiet streets, stopping at Selfridges for more chocolate on the way ;) Whilst Selfridges doesn't quite exude the regalness and quiet elegance that Fortnum does, it's still a lovely place...and they have a beautiful fish monger counter, which I will most definitely be making use of once my kitchen things arrive from America in a few weeks.

I had a few more less exciting errands to run after I dropped off the chocolates, but my whole day was just happy and pleasant...all due to my skirt. It almost seems odd, why do I care so much? How did I go so many years in jeans and trousers, not caring how I looked? How did I change? When did I change?

I don't know...I just know that I love feeling and appearing feminine. And now that my laundry is nearly finished and my stock of clean clothes is back to normal, achieving that femininity will be just a little easier.

And on another note...the Ikea boxes are exactly where I left them when I brought them home yesterday. Oh dear. They'll get assembled eventually.

Jeans, frumpy jeans

2008-03-15T17:53:00.004Z

Well, I wore jeans today...I don't think I'd worn trousers of any sort in 2008 yet. Perhaps once, but I can't think of an actual instance.

But, I rationalised that since I and a friend were going to the hinterland of London's zone 3 to visit Ikea, where I hoped to procure a piece or two of small furniture, which I would then have to lug back to my Central London flat via public transportation, that jeans were the most logical thing to wear. Not exactly a skirt activity. Plus, I need to do laundry in a dire sense, so my available clothes are quite limited. So admittedly, it was also just partly laziness. And I think it was partly that I was starting to wonder what the point is. Why bother being feminine when I'm quite possibly going to remain single forever?

So, when I gathered an outfit last night, in preparation for my early Saturday start, I was feeling optimistic and bold and chose my uber-skinny jeans, which I hadn't been quite skinny enough to wear since arriving in Jolly Old England more than seven months ago. I pulled them from their "just in case" spot in the back of my wardrobe and folded them neatly on my dressing table.

Awaking this morning, I got myself dressed and lo and behold, the jeans fit! I'd been angry with myself at the beginning of this past week, having taken a quick weekend holiday last weekend and gained gobs of weight, but I was good as gold this week and it seems I'd shed the weight already.

But with that momentary glee over, I stood in front of my full length mirror and tried - unsuccessfully - to see the cuteness in my outfit. I was also wearing trainers, again, due to the Ikea trip, but my trainers are pink...and my fleece top is pink. So shouldn't that suffice for femininity?

Maybe. It certainly does for most women. My only comfort, as I shrugged at my frumpy look and headed out the door, was that at least for once I'd fit in with all the other women around me. My default dress/skirt outfit often makes me the oddball in a group and though I'm happy to be classically feminine, I often do feel overly formal. Plus, I scoffed, I was going to zone 3 ;) Who cares who sees my outfit?

But as I sat in the sparsely occupied tube carriage and looked around me, it didn't feel good to fit in. I was envious of the one woman in our carriage who wore a skirt. She wasn't actually dressed very carefully or very well, but she was in a skirt. And suddenly, I felt like just another modern unfeminine woman...I fit in, but it wasn't a good feeling.

I did, in fact, obtain 2 very bulky and heavy things at Ikea...one of which I have to assemble, god help me. But though I did give a very good effort, there was to be no way I and my two purchases were going home via public transportation. So I snagged a mini-cab from the convenient queue in the store and off we went. So far, my jeans hadn't served much of the intended purpose. But, admittedly, they were quite comfy.

After arriving home and resting for a bit, scowling at the boxes of furniture in my flat's front hall, I decided to "get changed" and go out to do my planned afternoon errands. You see, I did plan to change into proper attire later in the day. I hadn't really thought out the specifics, since there was still the laundry issue, but I was determined to be properly dressed whilst back in Central London. The jeans were only meant for the Ikea adventure.

I'm sad to report that I changed my mind. I rationalised that with the blister damage to my feet my 5.6 mile walk to work and back everyday has done lately, my poor feet deserved to stay in my trainers. And I wasn't about to wear a skirt and trainers, I hate that look...and there was still the laundry issue. And lastly, there was the "so what" issue. I mean, how long am I going to keep looking for "him"?

So, off I went, to various points of Central London...and though my feet were certainly comfortable, my ego wasn't :( I felt utterly unfeminine today and despite my physical comfort, I missed the emotional comfort feminine dress provides.

I think the reality is that despite the inconveniences of it, I really am feminine to the core. Perhaps I don't need a "him" to be feminine, perhaps I just am. Jean Day was just unpleasant. My skirt-coordinating shoes may hurt, my calorie watching may make me crave food in an indescribably painful way, but I'll continue to follow my feminine ideals of skirts and thinness, because overall, it just feels better.

Tomorrow, I have fun errands to run and they include some rather posh London spots...and to keep myself feminine and confident, I will put the jeans back in the back of my wardrobe and I will dress properly.

Now...about that furniture that needs assembling...

I think It's Too Late

2008-03-05T22:18:00.005Z

You know, I went to post and...I hadn't realised how long it had been since I'd last posted. Time flies I guess...but in the meantime, I've been doing my usual - falling further in love with London and the UK. But at the same time, I'm not really coming across anyone who seems like Mr. Right, or anyone who sees me as Ms. Right.

But, having just perused the personals section of the Taken in Hand site, I discovered that not only had the page been updated, but also that a man I once met in person, who also had a personal there, is now "no longer available." I guess that means he met someone. Maybe he's even married.

We met more than two years ago, only briefly, and he just didn't feel anything for me, so we never pursued anything...life goes on and it did for me, but it's just one more thing to make me think that it's just too late for me.

Not necessarily too late to find someone someday, in some capacity...but too late to have the dream I wanted, too late to find Mr. Nearly Perfect and start a family with him, to have that perfectly old-fashioned and happy family life I wanted where the man leads.

I'm 30 years old...nearly closer to 31 than to 29 and not only am I no closer to finding "him" than I was when I first realised what I truly wanted, at a wee 27 back then...but I think my other life wants and choices have moved me farther away from finding him, rather than closer.

I really and truly love London, and I love British culture. I'm taking my first big trip away from London and into the rest of the UK over Easter, to a quiet luxurious spa weekend away to Cardiff, by myself...and whilst I'm utterly, completely looking forward to it, a big part of me wishes I were off to some little romantic getaway. A weekend where I was pampering "him" and not just boringly pampering myself. In fact, it's made me daydream a bit painfully of how I might pamper him. I want nothing more than to spend every second of every day making "his" life happier. I'd give up massages for the rest of my life if I could pamper that nearly perfect Mr. Right, but life doesn't always work out the way we want it to.

I suppose I'm a bit crazy that the idea of bending over backwards to pamper a man is more appealing to me than feeling that pampering myself, but it is...and yet it's a torturous want I may never have. It's also that I want guidance and control in my life that isn't there. It's that elusive complete package...I'm decently attractive, I'm decently intelligent, I could find someone. I just don't think I'm going to find the someone.

Work is in an annoying holding pattern, through mostly no fault of my own, and I have a new boss I think the world of, but it's just...I don't know. Work has never been fulfilling to me and it never will be - it pays for the rest of my life and that's it. But regardless, I think it might be time to adjust my life expectations. I live in one of the coolest cities in the world, in a country I love more than nearly anything, I have a great group of friends, my job pays well...I have far more than many people, maybe that has to be enough. But at the same time, I feel like I'm just making do with a life that's less than. It's frustrating and a bit depressing to me that I seem to have achieved everything a person should want in life, except the one thing I really and truly want.

Maybe my daydream is just that, a daydream. It's 2008, not 1958, and what I want may no longer exist. British men - conditioned by being surrounded by what appear to be ultra-independent British women - don't seem to be interested in a traditional relationship...so by living in the country and city I love, I can't find what I want and need in a man.

I could keep looking and being let down...or I could change course and be happy with what I have in life and forget about about what I never will have. And put that way, is it really worth pining over what I quite obviously can't have? No, of course not, but that want doesn't seem to be something I can just turn off. So, now what?

I don't want to settle for someone I don't feel compatible with and yet constantly wanting what I can't have is a bit torturous. So, the only solution seems to be to just give up. I'm really starting to think that what I want is so old-fashioned that it just doesn't exist in the 21st century.

I don't know...I guess I'm just sick of wishing for a level of leadership and control I'll never have. So, with that said...perhaps this uber-femininity is all for naught. Maybe, in the grand scheme of things, it just doesn't matter. I just don't know.

Feminine dress, part deux

2008-01-31T09:00:00.000Z

Upon the request of a TiH-minded friend and reader of my ramblings here, I’m writing again on feminine dress. More specifically, about the role that hosiery plays in feminine dress. He actually made this request some time ago and I, constantly suffering from laziness, am just getting around to it ;)

A short glossary before I start, as this is an area where American and British dialects differ quite a bit ;) Since I am on British soil and since the Brits did invent the language, I’m going to speak of this topic using British terms, not American terms. Please use the following glossary, which is in the form British = American :)

Tights = Pantyhose

Hold-Ups = “stockings” that have elastic tops and do not require a belt to hold them up

Stockings = “stockings” that must be held in place with suspenders, connected to a belt

Suspender belt = garter belt

Whew. It does make one wonder why this particular topic is one so fraught with dialect differences ;)

Now that we have that cleared up, moving right along...until starting on the path down Taken in Hand, I had never even remotely considered that hold-ups might be a part of anyone’s everyday wardrobe. I did see them as slightly old-fashioned, but more so, I saw them as rather slutty, provocative, uncomfortable and at the very least, a hassle to find. My only personal experiences with them up to that point had been in my earlier BDSM days, as part of less-than-elegant costumes. I’m ashamed to admit that I saw the lacy tops of these garments as something that added to the slutty overall look when coupled with a short skirt. In other words, when seated, it seemed to me that you were supposed to let the hold-up tops show. Since they were difficult to find and were expensive, it seemed that the only logical purpose they served was as a novelty.

In addition to feeling that hold-ups were slutty, I also just found them quite impractical and uncomfortable! In some ways, I find the term “hold-up” to be ironic, as they usually feel as though they’re slipping down…I’ve only ever had it actually happen once or twice, but it’s an icky feeling to sit through all day. Also, if the tops aren’t meant to show (which, of course, they’re not!), then it quite limits the shortness a lady can get away with in skirts. It is also makes the concept of bending at the knees, not the hips, when trying to touch the floor, very important.

So overall, back in those days, I just didn’t bother with them as an everyday garment, nor did it ever occur to me that I should. Even when I did finally start down the path of traditionalism and developed a strong leaning toward anything old-fashioned and uber-feminine, I still didn’t consider that hosiery mattered. I think I might have easily agreed – if asked – that the underwear-style tops of tights weren’t all that elegant or flattering, but since I viewed hold-ups as problematic in their own rite, I still would have said that tights were the lesser of two evils.

I suppose, back then, I saw hosiery as a usually necessary, but unfeminine, aspect of an outfit...regardless of whether the hosiery in question was tights or hold-ups.

Coincidentally, my first two serious Taken in Hand communications were with men who lived in Britain. One, of course, was the British man I eventually pursued a relationship with. From our very first conversation, I knew that he was extremely traditional in every aspect and so I recall being a bit aghast and thrown for a loop at his comment that, were we to pursue a relationship, I would be expected to wear hold-ups, exclusively. In an instant, this man – in my mind – went from being the quintessential English gentleman to just another guy who wanted me to wear some costume, a man focused on what I saw as the theatrics of the BDSM world. I was lucky that he had lived in America for several years before we met, and so knew how to interpret and re-explain most cultural differences. He even called them “stockings” back then, translating into American for ignorant and innocent little me :) But even with the translation, I was still unnerved by what seemed like a peculiar fixation on his part.

The other gentleman I’d been communicating with was an American who was studying in London at the time we spoke (and met once). I have long since lost touch with him and it never occurred to me to ask him at the time, but I’m curious as to whether his thoughts were developed entirely from his own wishes or if he had been influenced by the British culture he was surrounded by. But regardless, he also felt that tights were frumpy and utilitarian and that hold-ups were the only acceptable form of hosiery.

So, I saw a pattern forming; it seemed that the men who shared the same extremely traditional values that I did also saw things like hold-ups as vital to a properly feminine wardrobe. As much as I wanted to hold onto my previous attitudes toward hold-ups, I had to admit that I was losing ground.

So, eventually, these two men convinced me (somewhat) that hold-ups merely signified a feminine elegance that modern society had made unnecessary, that they were not a novelty and that tights just seemed horribly utilitarian and unfeminine to both of them. Interestingly though, the cultural differences around acceptance of them never came up. I reluctantly wore hold-ups to meet the American gentleman, when he visited me, not because he would see them, but because I wanted to know – for myself – that I was portraying the feminine ideal that he had. I wanted to feel feminine in his presence and tights would have detracted from that feeling, given his attitude toward them. I recall the embarrassment I felt in purchasing the hold-ups, still undecided as to how I myself felt about what they signified.

But, even after that, I recall packing for my first trip across the pond – my first time meeting face to face with the British gentleman – and, as I folded the many pairs of hold-ups I was taking with me into my suitcase - feeling like I was packing for a theatre tour and not a romantic weekend. But at the same time, these garments had been specifically discussed and required by him, so into the suitcase they went...because I wanted to feel that I fit his feminine ideal. Lol, and with each fold, I thought to myself "I am going to be fidgeting to keep these up all weekend! And god help me if the tops show!"

Moot point though, with the progression of our relationship, I soon had several pairs of hold-ups in my wardrobe and my pairs of tights eventually disappeared completely. Though I still often felt awkward wearing them, I wanted to please him (and, of course, wanted to avoid discipline for failing to obey!), so I wore hold-ups...and as that awkwardness faded, I began to wear them even when we were apart.

Without my even really realising it, I began to see them as a vital part of creating femininity in my wardrobe. No one could see them, of course, but I knew they were there and they made me feel more feminine – even if they did feel annoying!

I even special ordered several pairs of (delicate looking) wool stockings, complete with the suspender belts they would require, for my last trip to visit the British gentleman. It was too cold for nylon material, really, but by then, I knew I had to wear hold-ups in his presence, so I searched the web for the solution I finally found…but I have to say, I’m not sure I’m quite dedicated enough yet for the hassle that are suspender belts! :) Those stockings are quite warm and they look lovely, but I’ve hardly worn them since that trip.

Fast forward to a year later and our relationship had come and gone...and I realised that even though I suddenly could wear them if I wanted to, the idea of wearing tights was reprehensible to me. My mentality had changed such that tights were, in my mind, what old ladies wore, whereas hold-ups were what elegant women (such as I ever-so-modestly viewed myself!) wore. I’d learned through his discipline that the tops were absolutely not supposed to show…and though it required a special trip to an upscale department store I would otherwise not need to visit, I began to keep enough of a stock of them that I never needed to resort to tights, just because they were easier to find. And with each trip to that department store, I became more confident in my purchases and began to be proud, rather than embarrassed, to walk up to the till with them.

Throughout that relationship, I’d learned – and had come to love – that hold-ups did indeed feel more feminine, that the lacy tops were meant to be seen only by my man and that they made me elegant and sexy in his mind. I learned the hard way that these lacy tops were absolutely not meant to be seen by the general public! But most of all, I learned that though I still preferred bare legs overall, hold-ups had become the lesser of two evils to me, not tights.

Having been exposed to British culture for more than two years at this point, I now know that my own mentality back then was partly cultural – hold-ups are far more common here than they are in America. They are readily available at every drug store I have come across and more often than not, there are more choices of hold-ups on the shelf than there are of tights. Additionally, hold-ups are no more expensive than tights...in essence, here in Britain, they really are just another choice for mainstream women.

I mentioned, in my first entry on feminine dress, that I now view a man who does not expect me to wear dresses as unappealing. Well, in addition, until recently, I viewed a man who did not insist on hold-ups over tights as unappealing. My mentality had completely shifted, 180 degrees.

But then I began to communicate with a fine Scotsman – the aforementioned motivator for this entry – who suddenly threw me for a loop. We’d chatted enough that I was amazed at how similar our views were, at how traditional he was. And then he killed the feeling – he said tights were acceptable!!! Ugh. Lol. This was after I’d been living in Britain for about two months and had discovered – with glee – how much more prevalent and acceptable hold-ups are here. So I was additionally shocked that he viewed tights as so acceptable. We went back and forth over the topic for weeks, with my argument being that tights were horribly unfeminine. I was saddened that he didn’t see things quite as traditionally as I’d previously thought.

But eventually, I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt...and hanging my head in unfeminine shame at the till, I purchased my first pair of tights in nearly two years. He and I are just friends, but I trusted his opinion nonetheless.

But suddenly, I remembered how much more comfortable tights were...and I nearly immediately sank into heavenly laziness and wore tights exclusively. I’d forgotten the added benefit of control tops and with my undisciplined food intake of late, I needed a little bit of it! And with what I felt was this Scotsman’s approval, someone I had come to trust and respect, I felt "allowed" to wear tights all the time. "Who cares about hold-ups?" I thought. At first, he commented on how he enjoyed that he’d been able to sway my thinking, how he appreciated that I could now see the femininity of tights. I’d come full circle, I thought. I began with the mentality that hosiery – by definition – is not feminine, to viewing all types as feminine.

Well, those hold-ups were still sitting in a pile in my closet, becoming increasingly buried in their neglect...and one day, my Scot friend enquired as to why I had stopped wearing them completely...that though tights were acceptable, he did see hold-ups as more feminine and plus, he goaded me, I was using tights as an excuse to let my figure go. He clarified that in our earlier discussions, he wasn’t disagreeing with me that hold-ups signify the ultimate in femininity and tradition, just that tights are not the anti-christ :) That he missed how I used to wear hold-ups. He couldn’t see what I was wearing either way, of course, it was just the knowledge of it that was endearing to him. Much in the same way, I suppose, that hold-ups made me feel better, even if I was the only one who knew they were there.

But suddenly, I found myself loathed to pull out those dusty hold-ups. They’d be uncomfortable, etc. But the other day, I did in fact pull them out, after much prodding from the Scotsman and a bit of introspection about the feeling they used to give me, which I missed. In part it was due to all of my tights being dirty and also, that I’ve flattened my tummy again, no longer requiring the control tops :)

But more so, it was because I found that I did miss that extra femininity...I missed the feeling, hidden under my clothes, that I was being as traditional and old-fashioned as I could. I wore them again yesterday...and when I set off for my day, I find myself a bit more confident that under my dress, heading off to the masculine corporate world I’m stuck in for now, I am as feminine as it gets. And in the bigger picture, I’ve realised – given how my attitudes swayed back and forth on this issue – that though I do have strong opinions, though I do have my own ideas on what defines tradition, I can and will change my attitudes to follow a man’s lead, if I deem him trustworthy.

For now, two plus years into a traditional mindset…I will wear hold-ups whenever feasible and possible, but if it’s cold or if I’ll be doing something so active that hold-ups would be impractical, I’ll wear tights. Either way, I like to think that my very awareness of hosiery’s role in feminine dress adds at least a little to my mindset :)

The caveats to a perfect life

2008-01-20T19:44:00.000Z

Egghead had a point in his comment to my last post...of course we always want what we don't have. I've been bored to tears on each of my trips to America since moving to the UK, counting the hours until I flew back (I am blissfully back as I type!)...but often times, when I explain this to British friends here who don't often get to cross the pond, they are baffled. Because to them, the UK is boring and America is exciting...the exciting and coveted thing isn't necessarily the thing itself, it's that the coveted thing is unfamiliar.

But I do think that for me, my want for such a traditional life, a life so different than the one I live now, is more than just wanting what I can't have. The reason I can say with such certainty and confidence that I want that traditional life is that life experience has told me so, so it isn't just wanting the unknown "better than what I have now." If and when I ever do achieve my dream, I will live it having experienced a modern life for many years. While there are a number of things that contribute to that feeling, three of them stick out in my mind.

First, and this could (and may be!) a post in and of itself, the ever-wise ( :) ) Egghead's comment that my career may very well be shaping my future traditional life is true to some extent. My first TiH relationship definitely helped solidify my confidence that I really do want to give up my career to be a traditional wife. As I've mentioned before, the energy I put forth when temporarily in that traditional role was easy and fun and I've never felt that motivated to achieve perfection in anything else in my life. But also, when my partner came home from work, happy to see me but obviously quite tired from his day, I wanted nothing more than to do anything and everything in my power to make his evening relaxing, regardless of whatever exhaustion I myself felt, because I knew from experience that I would rather have the type of exhaustion caused by my domestic day than the type caused by a career. Because having experienced the career exhaustion myself, I had direct empathy for him and my submissive nature wanted to alleviate as much of it as I could for him, to please him. My career has prepared me to someday actually understand my husband's plight, rather than just imagining how tired he probably is, I'll know from my own past experiences why he is and I'll have a better idea of how to help him.

But I'm not sure I agree that I'm putting myself in an environment to better meet prince charming. I often think just the opposite. Being in the business world means being in a world of a constant striving for power. Everyone around me is looking for the next £ and they're looking at ways to climb to get it. Most women I come across do everything in their power to shed their femininity, to be considered equal and the same as their male colleagues. Conversely, I do things to try to show that I am not at all a typical businesswoman, while still maintaining my intelligence and expertise (lol, I hope!). I not only wear skirts as a hard rule, I often sneak in comments about being girly and even often go so far as to structure my business-related debates with male colleagues so as not to dominate them. But I still think that by my very career choice and daily environment, I am actually repelling any men who might want a traditional partner...they would be too afraid to approach me, for fear that they are committing the ultimate 21st century sin by suggesting that I, an accomplished businesswoman, defer to them. After all, a woman in my position wants to be treated as a modern woman, doesn't she?

I definitely need and want a man more intelligent and successful than I am and so in that sense, my career lends itself very well to finding that man, I'm blessed to work with frighteningly intelligent people, but I fear that my own position and career means that a traditional man I meet through work would never approach me.

Second, several years ago, I moved to a different major city in the US, moving myself away from the major US city I had grown up in and away from everyone I knew. I made the move for what I thought was the perfect job...but I hated the job and the new city nearly from the day I arrived. I barely met anyone and I began plotting and planning a way to move back to my hometown almost immediately. On my visits back to my hometown, I would look at the people who lived there with total envy, because they lived in my dreamland. When I finally succeeded in the move back 18 months later, I vowed that I would never leave my beloved hometown again...there was no better place on earth, I thought. So I bought a home and settled myself, thinking that I and the-to-be-found prince charming would build our lives there. I focused most of my energy on finding him and on building that life.

But being a typical American, I had barely traveled abroad...all I really knew were the different regions and cultures within the US, I didn't really know what existed outside its borders. So, when I began to seriously consider moving to the UK, having visited it and realising how lovely it was, I thought long and hard about how much I had hated my first move...how much I had wanted to move back to my hometown. Moving 400 miles domestically was easy to reverse. Moving 4000 miles to another country would not be. So while I was confident and excited about my move here, I was also worried that I would hate it when I arrived. That I would again change my mind and face misery. But I decided to risk it and in the process of planning and carrying out the move, I lost my focus on finding prince charming for awhile. There just wasn't time and I didn't want a US-based prince charming anymore, so I was purposely not dating.

5 months later, I am more in love with my decision to move than I ever thought I would be...I hope to make this my permanent home and I can't believe I was ever worried about adjusting. I've faced a number of difficulties here and yet I still love it, so I am that much more confident that I will continue to love it here, that this move wasn't just a whim. But, since I do criticise myself sometimes for being indecisive, I started to worry, shortly after moving here, about how I had lost my focus on finding prince charming. Maybe in my new surroundings, I thought, I had lost interest in ever finding him. I was, after all, having quite a blast all by myself. Perhaps the change in surroundings had changed my mind about the kind of relationship I wanted...and if that was true, if my want for a traditional relationship was that fickle, then what if I had wasted years of possible conventional dating, waiting for a traditional man? What if I had missed my chance for a family because I was focused on what was maybe just a passing phase of wanting a traditional relationship?

But the dual happiness and sadness I've felt since shortly after arriving in the UK makes me realise that while my vow and want to stay in my hometown was a whim, my want to be a traditional wife and mother is not...I really do want this, so much so that I would rather be single forever than settle for less. Because even with this move, even with my love of my new home and my realisation that my single status was the very thing that let me come to the country I love, I still want the same type of relationship that I've wanted for my entire adult life. I don't have any regrets in moving here, but love of a place isn't enough to make me truly happy. I want a traditional man and though I'm enjoying my life, I find myself wishing I had him already.

Last on the list of life experiences is that through the nearly six month long journey to get my visa, I must have been asked a million times why I wanted to move to the UK. And when I explained that my reasons were that I absolutely loved the country and that my career and life circumstances meant that I could, one million minus one of the people who had asked the question were excited for me, impressed with what they perceived as bravery and they all wished me the best. But the one person who was quite critical and negative (at first) about my decision was the person I most expected to be happy for me. We have been best friends since childhood and she has much of the life that I want...one I was jealous of for many years. There isn't the TiH/DD aspect, but she has the happy family life and is home watching her children grow up, married to a great guy. She seems deliriously happy and in my mind, she had never had to face wanting something she couldn't have. I, for years, wondered why she was so lucky and I was so unlucky.

Though she and I don't often get to talk to each other for months these days, when we do, we can easily talk for hours as though we're still kids. So I was hurt and angry at her lack of support at first...how could she not be happy that I was going on this big adventure? How dare she be angry with me for trying to pursue happiness when she had so easily obtained it?

But months later, when we had a girls night out goodbye dinner, just days before I was set to make my big move, I came to realise why she was so upset with me. Though she loves her family and is happy with her life, I had the life she sometimes wants...I was getting to just up and go on an adventure and I didn't have to consult anyone first. Nothing was in my way. And I gained a little perspective...perhaps I'm the lucky one. I've had the chance to see both sides of life and to choose the one I want...to taste the grass on both sides of the fence.

If and when I do find my prince charming, I will have no regrets...because the reason I know with such certainty and confidence that I want a traditional life is that I've lived a modern one, I've had the adventures and opportunities that affords, and I've briefly experienced a traditional one and I want the traditional one, hands down.

I just hope that the very environment that has let me experience modern life isn't the very thing keeping me from the traditional one.

The perfect life

2008-01-13T23:07:00.001Z

I started this from somewhere over the Alantic – writing in MS Word since, of course, I couldn’t get online up there. I was on my way westward, heading to a somewhat familiar city in my native country of grand old America for work. I’m here for a week before I blissfully head back eastward to the city and country I love. I get to fly business class when I take these trips, so I had the typical 3-course dinner and then afternoon tea shortly before landing. This is the first of what I’m told will be many trips across the pond for work, but I long ago stopped flying economy class on long-haul flights if I could help it, so I’m an old hat at the ins and outs of jolly old business class. All of this luxury should feed my ego – it should make me happy that somehow I’ve achieved success in life, that I’ve "arrived." And it does feed my ego to some extent ;) I love sitting up there. But it also makes me sad.

I’ve just been asked/told to take on a new (extensive) project at work...because they think I’m good at what I do. Flattering I know, but all of this has me somewhat saddened and worried, as I often get, that I’m becoming exactly what I said I’d never become. My routine on flights is such that I watch a film whilst doing the cocktail/dinner thing and then I take a nap/rest (I try not to actually fall asleep on the westward flights for purposes of jetlag) until I get bored, then it’s back to the films or – as I was doing when I started this entry – other things. And through all that, you’d think I’d be in heaven, wouldn’t you?

It’s certainly not a bad life, I am not crazy or egotistical enough to sit here and think I live a life of torture. I’m quite lucky, I know. But, I’ve never been one to be satisfied with mediocrity and the film I watched this time has me thinking. I rested for a good two hours afterward, all comfy with my neck pillow and lavender infused/fleece lined sleep mask, lost in my thoughts. The film was The Nanny Diaries. It’s not a new film – and to be honest, though I’d heard of it in passing, I never really gave it a second thought. I’m not a huge film buff in general and it kind of sounded like a fluffy kid-movie.

But it was a great film...I’m not sure I took away the same happy little message the writers and actors intended, but I did take away my own thoughts. To sum it up quickly, the film shows Annie – a recent uni/college grad – who grew up in a lower-middle class home and lands in Manhattan, totally unsure of who she is and what she wants out of life. Through a weird and quick set of circumstances, she ends up as a nanny for a stereotypically Upper East Side family. The wife doesn’t work, but she also doesn’t really want to be a mother. The husband works 25 hours a day, making a ton, and their only child – a young son – is waitlisted at a prestigious school and is seemingly unnoticed by his parents.

Predictably, the nanny forms a bond with the child and we see how faulty the parents really are. The mother, along with the other women – all of similar lifestyles – runs around in designer skirt suits and pearls, her hair perfectly styled. They all attend old-fashioned parties and society events. They live old-fashioned lives, with a bit of crazed 21st century thrown in.

And I got all that, but I focused on a side issue. I want the successful husband, I want the refined life where I wear skirts and pearls and it isn’t an anomaly that I don’t work, it’s the norm. But. I absolutely don’t want to be a self-absorbed Upper East Side Manhattan wife/mother who does nothing. I don’t want some nanny raising my children. I don’t want my husband to be so bored with me that he ignores me. I want the fairytale.

I want to be the one running around to playgroups, taking my children to museums and watching them grow. I want to have the home perfectly and completely relaxing for my husband when he comes home each night...I want what I do everyday to have a larger meaning. So, watching that movie has me hurting a bit.

They’re just characters, of course, but the mom in that movie is a selfish idiot. She has no idea what she has...I wonder more and more each day if it’ll ever happen, but I hope someday that I have the opportunity to raise my children, to make my husband’s home life a haven of heaven similar to what I sat in on the plane.

I know I’ve said it before...but it feels incredibly peculiar to be skilled at something I’m so bored and unfulfilled with. To want something so much that is so despised by modern society.

I don’t care about my MBA, I don’t care about my CV or corporate accomplishments. I care that I’ve crafted the perfect cheesecake recipe, that my future children and husband know that they are my world.

I’m my own worst enemy I know, too picky for my own good. Because though I want all of that, I want it with a man I am enthralled with. I won’t settle for less. But I still hope prince charming is out there somewhere. I feel a bit defeated I guess – why is it so easy to accomplish what I don’t really want and so hard to accomplish what I really do want?

Confidence in Submission

2008-01-05T19:53:00.000Z

Wonders may never cease, I'm posting again in less than 24 hours, it's a New Year's miracle!

Actually, it's a combination of two things. First, I had grand responsible plans to put in a few hours of work this evening - which I know sounds horribly American and pathetic of me, but I was a bit of a slacker this past week and was going to play catch-up for a few hours, since I just didn't have the energy to go out tonight. It's one of those "the most blissful place for me to be tonight is home" kind of nights. But alas, I sent myself the wrong file and can't work on the project as planned. Pity. I didn't do it on purpose, I promise. Second, I received an email today from someone and something he wrote got me thinking - always a very scary and dangerous thing ;) So, I will write about my thoughts, whilst watching a somewhat creepy show about the near apocalypse Reagan caused, with one speech, in 1983. It'll be a very educational evening I guess :P

The gentleman who emailed me said that (to paraphrase) a woman who submits to him, who happily takes her "place" makes him feel more confident. And I love that mentality. Conversely, though I don't think I've really given that particular aspect much thought, it drives my confidence to take my place. I feel more confident in myself when I am following a man's lead.

I don't entirely understand why, but I suppose it's a combination of factors.

1) As I think I've discussed before, it is my (firm) belief that though women are not the mindless and incompetent creatures we were once made out to be, we do excel much farther in life when led by a man.

So I think part of the confidence I feel in submitting to a man is just that. I'm too picky for my own good, but when I have finally trusted a man enough to fully submit to him, I find confidence in following his lead because I know that with his guidance, I will go much farther in life than I would on my own. I can go through life knowing that despite my best attempts to derail myself, I will almost always succeed in my endeavors because my man will keep me on the right path.

2) A dominant man is just incredibly attractive...and who on earth doesn't derive confidence from being with someone they find attractive? It isn't polite or civilised to flaunt your good fortunes in life, but we all take pride and confidence in being with someone we deem attractive - because we assume that others find this person attractive too, and that they will think better of us for being with the person they find attractive. So, I suppose that some of my confidence in submitting to a man's authority, to his dominance, is that in doing so, I am showing that I'm worthy of his dominance. That I myself am attractive and desirable enough that this man wants to guide me.

3) Perhaps the most important and fun aspect is that I derive confidence from his confidence. The more comfortable he is in guiding me, the stricter, more skilled and more consistent he is in that guidance, the more confident I am that if I submit, he will lead.

I've had (short-lived) relationships where the man just wasn't a leader - he tried to be, just to make me happy, but it just wasn't in his nature. And I found myself pushing the nonexistent boundaries, to see what would happen. I hated doing it because it cheapened the entire dynamic and I felt myself losing confidence in myself. Was I really submissive? If I was playing this silly game where I misbehaved just to get a reaction, then perhaps I wasn't, perhaps it's all just a game, I thought.

But I soon realised that it was because in order to feel confident in my submission, I need to know that it isn't invisible submission...I can't have confidence in my submission if my man isn't confident in his leadership abilities.

It's funny that mainstream society is so vehemently against the idea of traditional gender roles...the thinking is that a woman would only submit to a man because she has no self-confidence. But it's really the exact opposite - when a woman is properly guided, she is at the height of confidence and feels she can accomplish nearly anything.

Guidance and Discipline

2008-01-04T21:43:00.000Z

In light of my last post, I've been pondering guidance and discipline and how they play a role in a traditional relationship. Lol, and since it's been so very long since that last post, it seems I'm lacking in discipline! But here it is, finally...my sad little post on why guidance and discipline are so vital to a traditional relationship.

Well firstly, I'm lumping these two topics into one post because I feel strongly that they are interdependent on each other - guidance cannot succeed without discipline and discipline without guidance is just abuse. Additionally, I think that discipline is the best tool to assist a man in guiding his woman/wife.

For example, a husband could require his wife to speak like a lady and in doing so, he is guiding her to be a better person. But he can't literally keep her from using foul language, so she will most definitely slip at least a few times. So, if there were no discipline and the wife used foul language, what tools does the husband have to correct her behaviour? None. And if the husband doesn't set limits and correct her behaviour, his authority comes into question and her well-being is in jeopardy, as her behaviour won't change. She needs to be given limits, she needs to be punished in order for her behaviour to improve. Conversely, a husband who punishes his wife for using foul language without telling her she should not use such language is merely being abusive - she should not be punished for something she didn't even know she was doing. Guidance must always precede discipline.

The overall purpose to guidance and discipline, in my mind, is twofold: it solidifies the man's authority and it protects and betters the woman as a person. It is, in many ways, the crux of the entire relationship.

Traditionally and historically, women spent their entire lives under the guidance of a man. A woman grew up under her father's lead and then went directly to live under her husband's lead. It was incomprehensible to society that a woman would ever live independently, as she was thought to be too vulnerable and too emotional to exist on her own.

And here is where I do agree with the strides that feminism has made over the last century. We now know that women aren't complete helpless idiots :) We can exist on our own, some of us are even independent and competent enough to move ourselves across oceans, all alone ;)

But I do agree that in order to reach her full potential, in order for a woman to truly blossom, she must follow the guidance and lead of a man. Without such guidance, she can exist, perhaps even happily, but not completely.

Why? What does she gain? What does she lose without the guidance?

Well, there are exceptions of course, but overall, men are the logical gender. They have more ingrained self-discipline, they are less emotional, they are more skilled decision-makers than women. Through guidance, a woman gains confidence, love for her man and respect for his judgment and authority.

For example, with my struggle to write this very post, this would be a 95% nonissue if I were under the guidance of a man. My inability/unwillingness to write would have been met with consequences and those consequences would have motivated me to write! That isn't to say I would write as soon as I was told without question - I'm opinionated, stubborn and lazy. But if I delayed completing the task I was guided to do, my man would have disciplined me for my disobedience. And that discipline would have motivated me to follow his guidance.

I am, due to my femininity, just not self-disciplined enough to make this as painless as it could be ;) and the thing is, I want to write. I'm just such a ridiculous perfectionist that I make it seem like a huge project to write a post - it has to be thoughtful, intelligent-sounding and god forbid there are any typos or grammatical errors! But I make such a big deal of it that I procrastinate - for months. If I were under the guidance of a man, that guidance would motivate me to finish projects such as this one.

So this is nowhere near all I wanted to say on the topic, nor is it as thoughtful as I intended it to be, but at least it's a snippet of my thoughts on the matter. At least it's posted! But I still hate that it's nowhere near perfect :/

Stay Tuned!

2008-01-02T19:28:00.000Z

Ok ok, I'm utterly, horribly lazy :( If it redeems me at all, it's been eating at me constantly that it's been so long since I posted anything. I could blame it on my new job, on the holiday madness, on any number of things, but it's just that I lack discipline. Sad but true.

But I promise, to myself and to Egghead and anyone else still reading, I will post something by week's end! Lol, comically enough, the post I'm slowly but surely writing is about guidance and discipline ;)

anyway, Happy New Year to all!

Laziness

2007-11-21T14:00:00.000Z

Lol, I have a problem with laziness ;) Egghead asked if I had any thoughts on the other side of motivation and drive, which is discipline...and I do! I even started a post on guidance and discipline last week and it's still sitting in my drafts box. Oopsy.

In happier news, it's been an eventful week and I'm soon-to-be employed! I start in a few weeks...it seems my tortured work on that project paid off.

But for now, I'm headed back to the states to see some of my family...it's my first trip back since I moved here and I'm excited. Of course, I'm equally excited to be coming back to Jolly Old England on Sunday, but still...it'll be a fun weekend :)

So...next week, I will try to conquer my laziness and get that post finished...here's hoping.

Motivation and Drive

2007-11-11T15:30:00.000Z

It's always interesting, albeit frustrating, to me that I find so much motivation and drive in feminine pursuits and so little in masculine pursuits. On the one hand, it only solidifies for me that I really am wired to embrace my traditional role. But on the other, it's torture that I have to table so much of my feminine side in my current (and hopefully temporary) lifestyle.

I came to Jolly Old England on a special visa that will allow me to work without a work permit. It's somewhat elite, I guess, and is based on what I've achieved thus far academically and professionally.

If you detect a note of underwhelmed ambivalence on my part to what is, I know intellectually, a major accomplishment, you would be correct ;)

My quest to live the fairytale of unapologetic femininity, where I can really and truly be a girl 24 hours a day, has put me in a strange world of forced motivation. Until my Prince Charming comes along, I'm forced to be self-sufficient and play both roles...I'm forced to participate in the masculine world of the workforce.

It was three months ago yesterday that I arrived in London and I have to admit, I'm just not trying that hard to find a job...I'm trying, but finding the motivation to do so is utter torture, the only payoff in finding a job is that it pays the bills ;) But it doesn't serve any higher purpose in my mind...in fact, it takes away from my femininity.

I'm lucky to have been born with a decent amount of intelligence and while I very, very much want to find my prince charming someday, I don't want to just sit in a holding pattern until then, doing nothing with my life. So my academic and professional career has been impressive, by most standards, because I'm smart enough that I can "get by" very well even when I'm not interested in something.

So here I am, 30 years old and pretty accomplished in my career...and I spend nearly every day dreaming for more time to devote to what really matters: supporting a man, cooking, decorating, etc. When I'm asked in interviews why I want that particular job or what my career path is, I have to fake enthusiasm.

I have a pretty promising interview next week, but I've had to prepare a pretty complicated project for the interview. And though I'm well ahead of the game and it's nearly finished, getting to this point has involved every motivation trick in the book: I've tried to bribe myself with treats if I accomplish a certain milestone, I've chopped work periods into 30 minute blocks, so I don't have to torture myself too much...and I constantly remind myself that by next weekend, it'll be over and finished. But still, I dread each second I work on it...it's just so boring and pointless. And it's taken me away from feminine activities. With each milestone I get through, it's just part of the torture behind me. All this will achieve is that my bills will get paid and I can have fun for now. It doesn't serve any greater purpose...I'm not honing skills that matter and I'm not making anyone's life better.

But - in the brief snippet of domestic life I experienced, I found myself obsessively and tirelessly striving for perfection. I spent weeks planning perfectly coordinated meals, with details such as the flavours of one course leading appropriately to the flavours of the next. I created a schedule for myself to ensure that I had time to complete my tasks properly - a schedule with details such as waiting until late in the day to clean the kitchen, so it would be most tidy when he came home. And I took happy, gleeful pride in presenting him with a cold and just-prepared drink upon his arrival. In short - I put 1000% effort into my homemaking abilities and every second of the planning and doing were bliss. I'd created pages upon pages of spreadsheets, I'd researched the perfect combinations of ingredients for the meals, all of that taking hundreds of hours and there was nothing I'd rather have been doing and I was sad when it was over.

But this project for my interview...I've put forth about a 40% effort, I've spent maybe 20 hours on it and even that much was difficult. I don't really care how it's received and I'm looking forward to its end.

So again...I don't think there's any doubt where my motivation and drive lean toward, but will I ever get to live that dream world of cooking and cleaning all day? Or am I stuck in a world of PowerPoint for eternity?

Feminine Dress

2007-11-08T20:35:00.000Z

While I know I'm probably more aware of current fashion trends of late due to living in one of the fashion centres of the world, I've been aware of how women dress for quite some time, long before I moved to London. As I've grown older, I've realised that the latest fashion trends and social norms shouldn't (and don't) dictate how I dress. The person I want to be, the person I want others to view me as, should be (and is) what dictates how I dress. I do inject pieces of current fashion into my wardrobe, but the more important theme to me is to be feminine, elegant and modest.

My wardrobe should reflect my femininity, my understanding that I am different and more delicate than men. And it should also reflect that I am confident in who I am.

My life journey through fashion was all over the map, partly influenced by my surroundings, partly influenced by family and friends and partly influenced by the image I wanted to project - probably no different than most women, maybe even most people in general.

In the very early years, my mother - being ecstatic that I was a girl - dressed me in dresses as often as possible. I happily continued that trend into childhood, once I had a say in my wardrobe, but as I grew older, dresses became a hassle and I wore jeans and trousers more and more. And then, given my age, I was a teenager and a uni student during the dreaded grunge era - where to look feminine was the epitome of uncool, so suddenly there were *no* dresses in my wardrobe.

And through all of these fashion eras and changes, I was also a rather self-loathing child...I just never had that much confidence in myself growing up, despite a very happy and stable family life. I didn't date until uni and not by choice - men didn't ask me out in my teen years.

It was quite possibly a catch-22: I dressed as the unattractive and boyish girl I saw myself as and that was the image I portrayed, so boys avoided me. But shortly into my uni years, I began to dabble in the then-rising fashion trend toward skirts...but these were very, very short skirts and dresses, coupled with low-cut blouses. Suddenly, I had all the male attention I could dream of.

I still wore jeans much of the time, they were just easier...but the attention I attracted in those too sexy skirts somehow healed my ego. I finally saw myself as physically attractive, only I was coming to an age where I also wanted romance and love - I wanted to be respected and cared for. But that wasn't the type of attention I was attracting.

From then on, through my adulthood, I began to soften and grow in my attire...I started to understand that ideally, I should wear skirts and dresses all the time - at a modest and elegant length. And further, there should be a soft and feminine theme to these clothes.

So now, several years into this mindset, I have far more feminine clothes than masculine clothes - and on the days when I'm too lazy to be feminine, I feel awful about how I look. I worry about what men and other women think of me.

Conversely, when I *do* make an effort and look feminine, I love the image that I project. I have hope that men see me as feminine and appropriate. But at the same time, I often worry that other women think I look overdressed or silly.

Interestingly, I notice that skirts are very much back in style lately and I've been pleasantly surprised that my own focus on skirts and dresses doesn't make me seem out of place and overdressed on the streets of London...but sadly, I've also noticed that some women choose to wear very short skirts. And then there's my most hated new fashion trends - jeans with tall boots over them. I have to admit, part of me hates this trend simply because it looks silly :) But part of me just dislikes it because it's simply not feminine....it's unfeminine and yet very, very popular.

I often people watch on the London Underground, trying to notice how many women are dressed appropriately feminine, how many look too sexy and how many are dressed as men - wearing jeans or trousers. And I try to understand the images we are all projecting.

So the question is, how much does fashion really matter? Am I overreacting to think that women should always wear skirts and dresses? And further that these skirts and dresses should be elegant and feminine?

I don't know the answers...but I do know that I'm more attracted to a man who expects me to dress in a feminine manner. In fact, I might even go so far as to say that I'm only attracted to men who expect me to wear skirts and dresses.

The Uniqueness of Taken in Hand

2007-11-05T16:37:00.001Z

As I've said in my profile, I've been in four long-term relationships with a power dynamic of some sort. The first three were D/s and BDSM oriented...I've never been the goth type and it really didn't fit me, but it was the only way I knew of to have that control aspect in a relationship. When I realised that I just couldn't stomach the theatrics and trashiness that accompanies that lifestyle, I went back to trying conventional dating. I wanted an environment where I could (and was expected to be) a lady, not a slut. But then I found myself frustrated with the egalitarian dynamic...I felt like I was dating a bunch of wimps and the connection felt completely empty. Plus, in these egalitarian situations, I wasn't expected to be slutty...but I wasn't expected to be a lady either. Often, my choice of a dress for a first date was seen as overdressed...sad, but true.

And then I somehow started comprehending that there was a third option...I don't really remember how the thought process started, but I found myself Googling about "traditional relationships" and "domestic discipline," and then one day, I found the Taken in Hand site and I felt like I'd found the magic formula. I'd found a framework for a relationship with real control, old-fashioned ideals and none of the theatrics and trashiness. The more I read, the more I was sure that this was what I wanted.

But even if you take out my need for a Taken in Hand dynamic in a relationship, I'm still very picky about dating. I have appearance wants in a man, I want him to be of a similar background as me, I want him to have some of the same interests, I want him to be family oriented...in other words, while I need a Taken in Hand man and further, I need a man who shares a very similar idea to my own of what Taken in Hand is, I also need a man who fits me in every other way. I want the fairytale. I may be crazy and I may never find it, but settling for less is just too depressing.

The fourth long-term relationship that I had was perfect as far as Taken in Hand goes. It's funny, when we first met, I found him too strict. We butted heads in those first few weeks, with me feeling that he had ridiculously high expectations, that he was too focused on being in control. But he quietly pushed and soon I grew into his control and eventually, I loved it. I found his confidence in himself as a leader, his perfectionism and his high expectations sexy and masculine...and I felt like his insistence that I live up to those expectations meant that he thought highly of me. He knew I could meet them and I usually did...I learned to trust his judgment completely and I grew as a person because of it. And we did share many of the same interests...we'd had very similar upbringings and liked many of the same things. Much of what attracted me to him was that he was, at the same time, an intellectual and a jock. He could rattle on about historical details and politics, but he was also an avid athlete and very devoted to his favourite football team.

But he didn't feel what I felt...he didn't feel that intense romantic connection that I did...and that was the death of the relationship. He didn't do anything wrong, I still very much respect his leadership abilities and his masculinity...and I respect him as a person, but you can't force romance. He could no more pretend that he loved me than I could pretend to be dominant :) I walked away from that relationship with an even more concrete picture of my ideal relationship. Because though I want my man to be in control, though I want him to fit a certain physical and personality ideal, I need him to want me as much as I want him. Otherwise, it's not the fairytale.

So here I am, with a perfect picture of the relationship I want...my own fairytale...and yet sometimes I wonder if I've done too much soul-searching. I'm so sure of what I want that I'm not sure it really exists.

Will I ever find a man who exercises quiet control, who demands that I wear skirts and dresses and act like a lady, who sets rules and follows through in maintaining them? Who loves to travel and dine at different restaurants, trying new wines as we go? Who enjoys cultural things and yet feels no guilt in ditching me to go watch the football game? Who wants his woman to be his best friend and soulmate?

Is my fairytale just that? Or does it actually exist?

Puzzle Pieces Fitting Together

2007-11-03T13:44:00.000Z

One of the loveliest aspects of a relationship based on traditional gender roles is that the man and the woman are puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly.

A man's role is complementary to a woman's role and vice versa. Men are more decisive and more logical than women, so the man is better equipped to make decisions. But women are more emotional and analytical than men, so a woman is able to soften her man...to use her softer nature to influence him and inject sentimentality into her man's decisions.

Traditionally, men worked hard all day to provide a home and women worked hard all day tending that home...I recently read a few articles on gender roles and they all discussed the increasing trend of blurred gender identities.

Men are becoming feminine and women are becoming masculine. Men and women are becoming each other and at the same time, we're becoming an increasingly individualistic and less harmonious society. But are we happy this way?

Everyone seems to run around proclaiming their hard won independence...men and women alike seem proud that they, all alone, can earn income, cook, raise children. But why are we so excited about this trend? Why are we happy that we've become so solitary? Why are we happy that we're exhausting ourselves toward empty goals?

The idea of traditional gender roles is reprehensible to some and at least offensive to most...because society seems to think that if we re-embrace the differences between men and women, rather than celebrate forced similarities, we will go back to the days where women were viewed as second-class citizens.

But I disagree...I have hope that someday, maybe soon if I'm lucky, we'll enter a third phase of gender identities. One where men will embrace and celebrate their masculinity and where women will embrace and celebrate their femininity...and both sexes will appreciate and support each other. Men will appreciate that women are the softer sex and women will appreciate the strength of the male sex.

Idealist maybe, but I think that if we're just finally honest with ourselves, it *could* happen.

Fallibility

2007-11-01T14:38:00.000Z

No one is infallible, of course (well, unless we count the Pope, but let's not go there, this isn't a blog about religion). The rest of us live in a world where we all make mistakes, whether we're male or female.

So how does a woman reconcile a man's inevitable infallibility with her need to see him as someone more capable and more knowledgeable than she is? How does she remain confident in his judgment once she sees him use poor judgment? What defines a simple mistake versus a general lack of maturity?

I wrestle with this myself...I am hard on myself in life and I'm hard on others too. And if I see a man make a bad decision, I find my respect for him chipping away. I worry that he isn't capable of being a leader and I become wary of following his lead. But I'm not sure that's fair. After all, everyone makes mistakes...no matter how dominant they are.

So the question is, how do I trust his judgment again? How do I trust that he knows he made a mistake and will learn from it going forward? How do I continue to confidently follow his lead? How do I know that it was a simple mistake and not a sign of a bigger problem?

Trust

2007-10-31T10:42:00.000Z

Trust is probably the most important and fundamental aspect of any relationship, but it is 500 times more important in a Taken in Hand relationship...because the woman has entrusted her entire well-being and her future into her man's hands (at least, according to my own interpretation of Taken in Hand).

But how do you, as the man, undo the lessons of life she's learned thus far? How do you convince her that your leadership abilities are true and real? How do you undo the self-preservation need she has probably developed, where she can't risk letting you in, can't risk the hurt again, can't risk trusting you, because she's been let down too many times before.

How do you, as the woman, finally let go and let your guard down? How do you finally know, and trust completely, that you've met someone true and worthy of your trust? Someone who is a true leader? How do you even persevere and keep looking for the seemingly nonexistent man, among all of the fakes? And further, how do you keep trusting him when he makes a mistake? How do you decide what defines a human mistake versus an inability to lead? After his mistake, how do you rebuild your confidence?

Everyone is human and even the best Taken in Hand man, even the best leader, makes mistakes. But where is the line between a human being making a mistake and a major character flaw that signifies an overall lack of leadership and integrity?

I find myself at a painful point...where I wonder if what I want actually exists. I've met so many men who seemed so ideal and yet turned out to be so wrong. I am by no means desperate, if I were less picky, I would probably already be taken :) But I am picky...I don't want to settle and I don't want to be with a man willing to settle.

I myself am by no means perfect...but I am honest and after much soul-searching, I know exactly what I want and need in a relationship. I only wish I could find my counterpart.

I've met men who outright lied....we would discuss in detail what our ideal relationships were and how compatible we both felt we were and eventually I would find out that they were married or not who they said they were in other ways. I've also met men who were scared to let themselves want a commitment or were scared to lead. After the long discussions of what we wanted, they'd realise that that they never wanted a committed relationship at all, or that they wanted an egalitarian relationship. I've met men who want this, but just don't have the skills to make it work.

And through all of that, I'm left wondering...with all of those experiences behind me, how will I ever trust his word? His commitment? His abilities? At the end of the day, I need a man who knows more than I do, who I trust more than I trust myself...and as each day goes by, that pool of men gets smaller and smaller.

So it leaves me with this: I am about as feminine as it gets, I am not embarrassed or afraid to admit that I, as a woman, am the weaker sex...that I am at my best when led by a man. But am I destined to become exactly what I hate? Given how distrustful life experience has made me, am I headed toward being so jaded and cynical that I'll never be able to let go enough to trust a man to lead me? Or am I so feminine that I'll just keep getting hurt over and over, stubbornly determined that he's out there, somewhere? Is the man worthy of my trust actually out there?

A Taken in Hand Relationship

2007-10-27T13:39:00.000+01:00

I am a 30 year old single American lady, living in London and I love it here...I love the UK and Europe in general.

I am looking for my prince charming, eventually leading to a LTR and marriage. I am intelligent, articulate and I’m told that I have a great sense of humour. My social interests are varied, but I try to take advantage of everything my city has to offer. From visiting museums, dining at the fantastic restaurants (which London most certainly has!), or wandering through the many parks.

I love theatre and opera, but don't have anyone to go with. :( I love to travel, but again, need a partner in crime ;) My passport is just sitting here waiting and much of Europe beckons :) I have been to Germany and France, care to help me add to my passport? :) When at home, I love to read...both for fun and to learn. Some nights I’m reading philosophy and some nights I’m reading a novel.

I'm too educated for my own good and hold an MBA from a top US university. But, as much as I enjoy my career, as a woman, my career does not fulfill me. I am, however, very thankful that I’ve had the opportunity to pursue a career before settling down, as it has only solidified my want to be a traditional wife...I know that I will have made my choice knowing all of my options, knowing that it is just that – a choice, and not something I’m falling into simply because I’m incapable of a career.

I am looking for a traditional relationship and eventually, a traditional marriage, where the man is the head of the household...I am very glad that feminism has allowed me to vote, to have my intellect recognised and that is has allowed me to make choices in my life, but I very firmly support traditional gender roles...men are meant to provide for, to protect and to lead and women are meant to nurture, reproduce and to follow a man’s lead. I am at a point in my life where I am truly confident in my intelligence and in who I am, I don't need to pretend to be something I am not, nor do I worry that being submissive and being a wife and mother makes me less than. My dream in life is to fulfill my feminine role – to tend to our home and, later, our children, while my husband works to support our home and our children. I want to support his career and know that every success we enjoy as a family was gained through his leadership and through my support of him...that we are partners, not independent people who happen to live together. I want to watch our children grow and learn...I want to be there when they come home from school, to be active in their activities.

I struggled with this desire for a long time, fearing that my desire not to work and to be a housewife would be seen as selfish and that my husband would resent me for it. However, over time I have realised that my staying home, my allowing him to lead such a major aspect of the relationship as our financial status, would only add to the leadership dynamic...I would be fulfilling my half of the relationship by staying home. Given that, my dream is to find a man who not only supports my desire to devote myself to household duties and to supporting his career, he expects it...both because he wants the harmonious home that this environment provides and because he sees himself as the provider and protector and would feel awkward if I were working.

For me, my husband’s leadership must be complete and total – if I am working, I cannot properly keep up with my duties as a wife and mother. My own mother – who is probably my best friend – owns her own business and worked throughout my childhood. While I admire her in many ways and feel that I had a very healthy and blessed childhood, I also remember that she was always on the go – always tired, always trying to accomplish too many roles. It is my sincere hope that I will be able to focus my energies on what really matters in the relationship, without wearing a million hats.

I am feminine to the core, and would love nothing more than to be able to stop pretending that I am “equal” in the world...to find someone who understands that my submission and femininity come from inner strength and love. I love pink, lace, flowers, I love to cook (and even clean when it’s for someone I love) and I love to be made to feel feminine. Friends joke that I'm 98% lady and 2% sailor. I can be raunchy and it takes quite a bit to offend me, but I love to act like a lady and I need a relationship where I am expected to act as such...if you want me to act or look slutty when we go out, we're not meant to be.

I’ve known I was submissive for most of my adult life, and I’ve had four male-led relationships. Though the first three were all based on love and respect, they all had a pain-for-pleasure aspect to them. I learned, through these relationships, that pain has one purpose for me – as punishment for misbehaviour. Punishments are not a game and they are not fun, they are meant to correct behavior and to solidify the relationship. In browsing the Taken in Hand site, I learned about maintenance spankings, a term I had never heard before. To each his own, but I know that for me, this concept wouldn’t fit in a relationship...it would only dilute the meaning and effectiveness of a punishment spanking. If I am behaving, why do I need to be spanked? And if I’m going to be spanked regardless of my behaviour, why behave?

That said, I once spoke with someone who introduced me to the idea of “submission exercises.” Something that brings me back to my submissive state when I am trying to take the lead or having difficulty giving my submission...I love the idea of these exercises and think that they are vital to a relationship. A submission exercise could be as simple as kneeling in front of him in silence at his command, sort of like a breather.

The fourth male-led relationship was everything I have described here and it was wonderful. I wrote most of this profile before he and I met in person and being with him only solidified my want for everything I've described. Though the relationship did not work out, I saw how wonderful this dynamic can be in a relationship.

I believe that male-set boundaries and structure in a relationship provide the guidance and love that holds the relationship together. There are no petty arguments, no disrespect of each other, only true devotion and love. Additionally, I found that the D/s relationships I was in had a more objectified tone to them than I want...I was seen as an object, and was expected to be used. For a long time, I struggled with my submissive nature because I felt that being submissive meant living without affection and romance in a relationship. Then I found the Taken In Hand site, and I felt like I had found my home...that I had found the perfect framework for a relationship and for me. What I took away from all of my past relationships was that I need to be in a male-led relationship, where he makes most of the decisions for me and for our family...but I need a relationship filled with love, one where we cherish each other.

I am a very romantic person, I want to be protected, held and loved...I want to fall asleep in his arms, with my head on his chest. I want my husband to cherish me and to want to please me as much as I want to please him. I want to spend hours every day preparing dinner from scratch, so that when he gets home, he has a delicious meal waiting for him. I want us to think of each other constantly when we are apart and to feel blessed that we have each other. I want us to see ourselves as soulmates, as two people who found each other in a huge world.

Relationships take time...I don't expect to fall in love overnight..I have only been in love once in my life and I know it will take time to feel that again. I hope to find someone interested in pursuing a monogamous relationship first, to see if we are meant to be.

Of course, looks are important, I'm 160cm and about 8.5 stone and I'm told I'm attractive ;) I take care of my body (running/walking 5 miles a day) and so should you, but looks fade...intelligence and personality are vitally important to me. I love to debate current events and I am incredibly opinionated, if you can't keep up with me, we won't get very far! Also, I can be very goofy and silly and I spend most of my time laughing...you’ll need a sense of humour or neither one of us will be happy! Most of all, I want a best friend, my greatest confidant.

If you are a single man between the ages of 30 and 42 and are in the UK, I’d love to hear from you.