Saturday, 17 August 2013

What submission means to me

I know it's been eons since my last post and, for anyone still reading this, I could go on and on about what's happened in the last 18 months, because life's been busy and lovely as usual and I'd have loads to write, but I'm determined to write more than just an update, so the very short update is:

I am still single - though I have met several lovely men, there just hasn't been that magic click yet.  I am still in London and in love with the city and (ecstatically) am now a permanent resident of the UK, I don't hate my job, I have a pretty fantastic group of colleagues and I am still blessed with a fabulous group of friends who I love dearly.  All in all, life is pretty good, despite the fact that Mr. Right For Me hasn't found me yet.

So, with that out of the way, onto the title topic that I started writing a year ago and am just now feeling motivated enough to finish, lol.

Most of my real life friends have no idea, as far as I know, that this blog exists. I suspect most people I know in "real" life have no idea that this element of my personality even exists.

But I am blessed with a small handful of friends who do know of this blog and of this side of me...because they too share many of these thoughts.

One such friend pointed out that, whilst I have written in detail about my thoughts about traditional relationships and about how I view dominance, I haven't written nearly as much about what I would bring to the relationship, about how I view submission.

I think I've certainly touched on it, over time and within other posts, but apparently, I haven't made my thoughts very clear.  And it's occurred to me that it's quite odd to have a blog about dominance and submission without discussing an entire half of the equation!

For me, submission is something that builds on itself, grows over time and isn't about me, it's about us, the couple.  But at first, it is, in fact, driven largely by my own innate personality.  Submission isn't something I consciously think about, when I'm with a dominant man.  It just comes out, without my doing anything consciously, because I am naturally reacting to his dominance.

In other words, the submissive element of my personality is brought out by the behaviour, attitudes and personality of someone else...and in turn, I'm sure that my submissive behaviour, attitudes and personality bring out the dominant element of a man's personality.  It's the yin and yang, the chicken and the egg.

But all of that said, what does it mean to me to submit, when I do feel submissive toward a man?  When I automatically and naturally submit, what is it that I'm doing?  If I had to summarise it, I'd say that there are three things that symbolise the crux of submission for me: trust (in the dominant man), a deep and ever increasing understanding of him and, eventually, devotion to him...occurring in that order. Certainly, those things alone are just as important in a dominant man as they are in a submissive woman. You both need to trust, you both need to understand the other and you both need to be eventually devoted to each other and to the relationship.  But how they occur and play out is different, depending on which side of the relationship you're on.

In my last post, I wrote about my increasing sense of independence and I eluded to becoming less trusting and, dare I say, more cynical. And whilst I think that's all to be expected and par for the course, given my urban, single girl, lifestyle, I often used to think that it isn't a mindset that lends itself well to submission!

As it's been so long since that last post, I can now say that I've become much more comfortable with that single, urban, modern and independent side of me because I've grown to understand the submissive side of me that much more.  One side is not squashing the other...I am both an independent woman and a submissive, old-fashioned, girl.  It's just a matter of who I'm with that decides which of those two sides of my personality comes out.

I used to think I had to remind myself to be feminine, to be submissive, when the time felt right...but eventually I realised that no one has to remind herself to be herself.  Almost so simple that it elicits a giggle...but sometimes it takes awhile to see yourself fully.

I used to worry that the more independent I became and the longer I was single, the less submissive I would become...because I thought I would lose the ability to feel feminine, to feel like I could give someone else the reins.

But, what I've learned is that before I can trust him, I had to trust myself.  I had to trust that whilst I'm well capable of taking care of myself, of succeeding on my own, when the time is right, I will feel submissive toward a dominant man because that's who I am.  And within that, I now trust that when I don't feel submissive, the time isn't right, the chemistry just wasn't there.  Because I am not submissive in general and to any man, I'm submissive when it feels right and to the right man.

I guess what I've realised is that at first and in small ways, I don't have to try to trust and submit to the right man.  My gut instinct, it seems, is pretty reliable.

The perfect storm of feeling submissive, for me, is that I have learned to trust that when I trust a man and when I feel dominance from him, I will naturally act and feel submissively toward him.  And if I don't feel submissive toward a man, it's just because I don't feel any dominance from him...not because I'm not submissive and probably not because he isn't dominant, just because we aren't feeling it from each other.

It's not like a magic switch, of course, it isn't like - I meet a man, he seems dominant, I trust him so I give myself to him...nor would I want it to be like that!  The journey can't be measured in length or time and the ongoing journey is much of the fun and loveliness of the dynamic.

Once my trust starts, it grows over time and with that, my submission grows (and, I'm sure, his dominance grows).

And that brings me to the second element, a deep and ever increasing understanding of the man I am submitting to.  If I've trusted him enough to start to hand him the reins, to start to give myself to him, then it flows naturally that I want to learn what submission means to him. Because submitting, to me, means making him happy.

After all, I need to understand what makes him tick as a dominant as much as he needs to understand what makes me tick as a submissive.

Within that, I'd want to learn what he likes and what he doesn't like, what annoys him, what makes him happy, what draws him to me.

Maybe that's a really small thing like remembering the details of his favourite drink, or noting that when he first wakes up in the morning, he's grumpy (or, err, not grumpy!) - and adjusting my behaviour accordingly.

But maybe it's something more important, like paying attention to the small details of what, in me and in my submission, he is drawn to...the ultimate goal for me, in understanding him, would be to understand how he wants me to submit to him.  Is it the look in my eyes?  Is it the way that I speak?  Is it how I touch him, how I react when he touches me?  Is it my attitude?

The most beautiful part of the understanding element, to me, is that there are countless ways and details that I will learn about him that I can't even imagine right now - I won't know how to understand him until I meet him, because my submission isn't about me, it's about us as a couple.

I also know that there will be times when I fall, in being submissive to him, and so part of understanding him will be understanding - and accepting - his dominance when he corrects and/or admonishes me.

Accepting that he is reminding me of what I want - to understand what he wants.  To be submissive for us, not for me.

Because ultimately, I want to devote myself to him just as I want him to devote himself to me, I want to give him my everything - good and bad.

Life isn't perfect, relationships aren't perfect, so who knows if he and I would ever get to that magical point, but the ultimate goal to me - the third element of submission - would be to trust him so much, to understand him so well, that I have completed surrendered to him, I am completely devoted to him.

The ultimate goal for me, in my submission, is to be the partner and the woman that he and I both want and need me to be.

To get to that point where what makes me happy is to make him happy.  To get to that point where I trust him with my everything.  To get to that point where I understand him like the back of my hand and behave in way that shows that.

Because when he looks into my eyes, I want him to see love.  I want him to see a woman who loves to make him happy and knows exactly how to do it.  I want him to see a woman who feels, with every ounce of her, that he makes her happy.

Is that really too much to ask? ;)


Anonymous said...

Hello Lady Cinderella

I have enjoyed reading your post from time to time. Please keep writing your post, as this is an opportunity to hear a Lady's point of view on the matter of traditional family structure, the very one you would like to have.

I, myself, have not given this matter much attention since I have almost given up on finding and sharing the very same ideal family structure you have written about. There were few points here and there in your posts that I had a thought about. But that I can discuss further privately on an email with you.

I had same point of view when I was very young. I assumed and presumed that all women would eventually marry and stay at home while their men would work to earn money. Oh boy, was that boy very wrong.

Yet I remember those time as a simpler days.

I look forward to your next post.

Kind regards,

Anonymous said...

This is a dream for most men. I don't think women like you exist in the states. You're clearly a very giving, loving, and nurturing woman. I hope you find your special man ;-)