Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Too much independence?

Well, obviously it's been awhile since I posted here...nearly two years, how time flies! I didn't disappear, I've simply been lazy :O Who knows if anyone's even still out there...

The simple truth is that whilst I like having this blog, I find the actual writing bit to be a bit of a chore that I have to force myself to do.

I like that my thoughts are here, to remind myself of what matters to me and how my thinking changes over time...and I love that so many others seem to have similar mindsets to me, given the number of public and private comments I receive from my posts. It's lovely to know that I'm not alone in loving the idea of a more old-fashioned manner for men and women to relate to each other.

But I'm such a perfectionist that ever actually sitting down to write an entry feels like quite a task, because it feels like it will take me forever and that I won't even be happy with the end result. But I suppose it's simply a matter of no pain, no gain, isn't it? I'm always happy after I post, I always feel productive and like I made a bit more sense of my thoughts...I just have to remind myself of that when I'm inwardly whining beforehand about the prospect of writing an entry!

If anyone is actually still out there, a quick recap of the last 21 months of my life:

I spent much of 2010 in a relationship (Taken in Hand, of course)...my first, since moving to the UK in 2007. Whilst he and I are still good friends and I learned a lot about myself during our relationship, we ended things for the simple reason that our feelings just never took off to that next level.

It was heartbreaking at the time, but eventually, I was ready to move on and ready to take the never ending things I learned about myself and about what I want into my next relationship.

I spent 2011 mostly just enjoying life...just living life. I was reminded, often, that I live in an absolutely amazing city and that I'm blessed with a wonderful family and a wonderful group of friends. I was reminded that whilst my dream of this old-fashioned life hasn't come true yet, I'm not exactly living a dreary life!

And so that brings us to 2012 and the title of this entry. I'm content with my life...maybe even happy. I have numerous reasons to be happy and any modern-minded girl would probably be in heavenly bliss in my shoes. I'm gainfully employed and well respected in my field, I'm often looked to for input by people more senior than me and I'm often sought after for tasks more senior than my role should include. I live in an amazing neighbourhood with nearly everything at my doorstep. I answer to no one, I come and go as I please and I do what I please.

But some days, I can't help but fret, a bit, that I'm still looking for "him." I lament to myself that whilst I've got this amazing modern life, I'm not a modern girl and this isn't the life I really want. I wonder if it's become a self-fulfilling prophecy, to some extent. I wonder if I've waited too long. I wonder if I'm not doing what I should be doing, whatever that is, to find "him." Worse, I wonder if "he" doesn't see me as a potential "her" because I'm living this modern girl life, seeming to be a modern girl.

Since first discovering what I wanted in a relationship, I have grown to love and to be proud of the contradiction that is my personality. I used to think I needed to try to be less opinionated, less independent, in order to attract "him." But I've learned to feel that my strong opinions and independent nature don't make me any less feminine...they make me me. I've learned that, truth be told, I'm not very submissive, in general. It's that I want to relate totally differently, to my future man, than I relate to everyone else. I want to submit to him, not to the world. I've learned to trust that the right man for me won't just accept those traits in me, he'll treasure them. Because he'll understand and love that I'll submit to him because I trust him more than I've ever trusted anyone. Because he'll understand that I'll submit to him because I see him as stronger than anyone, myself included, more confident, wiser, etc. Because he'll understand that by leading me, but refusing to let me be the strong and confident one, he is giving me a gift of freedom that no one else can.

But, I wonder if I've become so comfortable and complacent in my own strength and independence that I've lost perspective of how I come across to others. It used to be that I felt myself automatically assume that the man in my company would lead me. After all, I'd made it quite clear that's what I wanted, so why wouldn't he?

But more recently, with more time and life events behind me that I led myself through, I find myself automatically assuming that the man in my company won't lead me. And when I don't immediately sense that he's a leader, I lead myself. It's an exasperating and depressing cycle.

It's jarring to think about, frustrating to realise, because I wonder if I won't let myself have what I want. It feels like my independence is taking over my life, preventing me from the life I really want. Either I'm becoming so independent that I just don't give anyone else a chance...or I've become so independent that no one sees me as needing or wanting someone else to lead. Maybe no one sees that I don't really want this modern life.

There have been a handful of men in the last few years that, without even trying or realising it, I've felt submissive toward. There was just something in their personality, in the chemistry between us, that snuck past my strong nature and made me trust their lead, trust their judgement.

But I have to wonder...do I really need that specific and seemingly rare chemistry? Or is it possible that the man strong enough to lead me needs for me to first make myself step back and follow him? Does he just need me to give him the chance to lead? Does he just need to merely see that I want him to lead?

The perfectionist in me can't help but cling to the idea that the right man is a man so strong that he'll lead me despite my own independent nature...but the realist in me thinks that the perfectionist might be being...well...unrealistic ;)

For now, I'm trying to trust the latter. Whilst I still think this contradiction in my personality will be attractive to the right man - I still value my own ability to be independent and strong - I am trying not to assume that my own strength is all I have...I'm trying to trust that if I don't decide the next step, someone else might decide for me...if I just let him :)

So we'll see what this year brings. I know it will be a fun year - the Olympics are coming, my mother is finally coming over for a visit, I'm (hopefully) becoming a permanent resident here...who knows if, amongst all that fun, I'll meet Mr. Wonderful? :)

5 comments:

Nilotpal said...

well it seems...quite pensive :)

K said...

Lovely thoughts do not give up your search...

Egghead said...

Please do not lose faith. The right guy is out there. You may have to become active in online fora where people who share your convictions meet. The likelihood of bumping into Mr. Right by chance in r/l is quite slim in this day and age.

Andrew said...

Isn't leading him into Dominance a natural part of the D/s relationship..?

Men need to be led, without them knowing.!

Anonymous said...

Oh God! That's all about me. I understand you! So have you found your man? Or I would like to ask if has your man found you?