Saturday, 20 February 2010

A love of serving...but only to the right man

Often, in personals profiles and even in discussions with dominant men, I see or hear the phrase that these men are looking for a woman with "a need to please." Or, I read scenarios where they want a woman who enjoys pleasing her man...and that the flipside for these men is that they "get to enjoy the woman's service" or that they deserve this service because they're meeting a woman's "basic needs."

I'm one woman and, as always, I can't and wouldn't speak for anyone other than myself...but every time I see those statements as the only - or even the main - reasons why a man wants to lead, it makes me sigh in irritation and frustration.

I do know that there are men out there with a broader and more giving attitude toward leading, I've had the wonderful pleasure of coming across a couple of them. But sadly, these more giving men seem to be in the distinct minority.

As a submissive woman, I most definitely do enjoy serving a man I've fallen for - and yes, often my enjoyment comes purely from seeing that he is happy. In that moment, when I'm doing something for him and I can see that I'm pleasing him, I'm happy just for that reason. I've even taken pleasure in doing something I absolutely hate, because it made him happy - I actually took pleasure from the fact that my personal sacrifice made him happy.

But the thing is, to take that snapshot and call my service and his ensuing happiness a complete picture of our dynamic is like taking one sentence out of an epic novel. It's like trying to experience a lifelong journey by getting on the bus at the halfway mark.

For a man to think that a woman's want and need to serve are just abstract feelings that can be aimed at any man who comes along, regardless of who he is or what he offers is so silly and ridiculous that I'm almost at a loss for words. (Almost - I'm not one to be at a loss for words ;) ).

For me - and I sincerely hope for most submissive women - a need and want to serve comes from being with a man who is selflessly dominant toward me. I become drawn to please and serve a man because he has treated me like a lady, like a princess. I become drawn to please and serve a man because he leads me with love, because he takes me in directions that are farther than I could ever take myself. I become drawn to serve a man because, before he expects anything in return, he offers me the gift of leadership, he offers me the gift of guidance. And he shows me, in his own way, how much I matter to him...how much my happiness means to him. He shows me that he isn't focused on being served, he isn't thinking about meeting my bare minimum basic needs, he is thinking about wanting me, about guiding me. He shows me that he thinks the absolute world of me.

That certainly isn't to say that a dominant man doesn't enjoy being served - of course he does! And as I said, I do enjoy - very, very much - serving the right man and I would happily give him 300% eventually, happily serving him with all of my being. But it all goes back to the idea of this being a reciprocal gift...how can a man expect to receive such a precious gift without giving one in return? Further, I want to think that a truly dominant man would only enjoy being served by a woman he has fallen for...where's the magic in being served by a random woman?

Whilst I do think that there are times within a relationship of this dynamic where things become very animalistic and primal - and those times can be very exciting - what makes this so much more beautiful is that we're human beings, not animals. We operate on a higher plane, we operate with deep emotions and connections - it isn't always just a primal need and for me, it's never a primal need until my emotions have taken me there.

I've been accused, on more than one occasion, of giving too much, of not putting my own needs and wants forward enough. And so, on some level, I do love to serve a man...but the wonderful, rare, men who accused me of being too giving didn't realise what they had given me that allowed them to experience that giving. I gave because they gave...it's that vague and somewhat indescribable dynamic where you are both so focused on each other, so taken with each other, that all you want is for the other person to be happy.

I think the reality is that I do love to serve. I love to serve a man who has somehow shown me his incredible gift. I won't actively or consciously think about my needs, I won't wonder what I'll get back for serving him - I won't have to wonder, he'll show me constantly because I'll mean that much to him. Because he isn't thinking about being served, he wants to give to me as much as I do to him.

2 comments:

Cheryl McCann said...

If you are with the right man, you will not feel like you "serving" him but pleasing the one you love and that you are committed to and he is committed to you. It's a two-way street.

Cinderella said...

Cheryl,

That's a wonderful way to think about it - you're right. If you're with the right man, you are simply pleasing the one who you love...pleasing the man who loves you. It is *definitely* a two-way street!