In light of my last post, I've been thinking about the basics of love and how it affects submission...about the kind of love I need to find, about the only kind of love I'll settle for: one that is so complete and so true that he and I only want each other...we won't have any regrets about previous relationships, no thoughts of what could have been with others - we will be so in love with each other, so perfect for each other, that we won't be able to fathom being attracted to anyone else. We'll realise, with absolute certainty, that we're meant for each other. And as a result, I will completely submit to him. I'll trust and love him so purely and so completely that I'll give him my everything, I'll view him as the only one I want and need...and knowing how much I mean to him, knowing how much he loves me will complete my submission. It's that last candle on the cake that will allow me to completely let go into him and see him as my everything.
That complete and true love between us is what will allow me to trust him as I have never trusted before.
Romantic love has many levels...there's the raw and primal physical attraction, there's the deep friendship, the intellectual bond...and there's the emotional bond. A complete love has all of these levels and is missing nothing.
I really don't understand - and never will - why anyone would settle for less. When I set out to write this entry, I wondered if perhaps I'm asking for too much. Do we ever truly love someone so completely?
I Googled things like "true love" and "my partner has feelings for someone else." And I was heartened to discover that, nearly universally, everything I came across (both professional and amateur articles) said - to summarise - true love means that you aren't attracted to anyone other than your partner, true love means that your partner is the only one you want. And that when you have feelings for someone else, you can't possibly truly love your partner.
So, I have hope - high hope - that true love does exist and that I'll find it :) And I know, conversely, that I couldn't fully submit to a man, I couldn't give him my everything, if we didn't truly love each other. And what's the point of all of this if I spend the rest of life with a man I don't quite love? A man who doesn't quite love me? A man I don't quite trust? There is no point to that and I could never do it.
The nature of a traditional relationship is that you are so giving toward each other and so open about who you are and what you need, that you fit together seamlessly like two pieces of a puzzle...the only pieces of a two piece puzzle. There is no ambiguity about what you are each looking for and no need to pretend to want or to be something you are not.
I don't need Mr. Perfect, I just need Mr. Perfect For Me. And whilst I'm far from Miss Perfect, I need to be Miss Perfect For Him...he will be so complete for me that I'll love his faults, I'll love his charms, I'll be insanely attracted to him...I'll just love him, for all that he is - and I will love him with 100% of my heart, mind and body. And conversely, of course, I need 100% of his heart, mind and body. Life is too short and my heart is too precious to give it to a man who can only give me some of his heart. And at a more basic level, life is too short to stay with a partner who gets aroused by someone other than me.
I firmly believe that when you are finally with your One, you only have feelings for that person. To have feelings for someone else is to take away your love for your mate - we cannot divide ourselves, we can't divide our love. If he has feelings for another woman, he doesn't completely and truly love me. And if he has feelings for someone else, then my submission is less precious, less valuable to him.
I refuse to be the jealous girlfriend or wife, jealousy is exhausting, harmful and useless...I want to feel so confidently and so strongly that my boyfriend/husband loves me that I embrace the presence of his female friends, I won't wonder how he feels about them, I'll know I'm the only woman he wants - physically and romantically.
And I'll feel pride and love toward him for embracing my male friends, I'll love that he knows that he holds my whole heart, that he knows that he's the only one who can turn my knees to mush. It makes me smile to envision receiving a giant bear hug from a male friend, knowing that my One is watching the complete lack of attraction between my friend and I - my man can see the vast difference in the way I embrace this friend, compared to the way I embrace him.
He'll know how complete he is to me as a romantic partner and as a leader and he'll know how invisible all others are to me.
Relationships and love are about emotions, not ethics. It's not a business transaction where your actions decide your fate - it's a deep connection where your heart decides your fate. I'm not condoning cheating through actions and behaviour, by any stretch - but giving yourself to your partner completely isn't something any of us get to consciously decide to do. Our hearts are either there or they aren't, our hearts either want someone or they don't. Our hormones are either on or off. Our hormones either want someone or they don't. And harsh as it may sound, developing feelings for someone other than your partner means that you are emotionally cheating on your partner. You may not be acting on those feelings, but the feelings themselves signify that you are unable to be true to your partner.
However! The thing is...whilst we have control over our actions, we have no control over our hearts or our hormones, we have no control over the direction of our love. So where behavioural cheating is, of course, a breach of ethics and something to be ashamed of...emotional cheating is just an uncontrollable and important sign that the "love" we think we feel for our partner isn't true and complete. It isn't our fault, it's beyond our control.
It's a sign that we need to let go, move on and find something that is true and complete. Perhaps more importantly, it's a sign that we need to let our partner go and let them find something that is true and complete.
I often speak here of the selflessness that I see as being so prevalent in a traditional relationship...and I truly feel that the most selfless and caring thing you can do for your partner, when you realise that this person isn't your true and complete love, is to let them go find the one who is. My Googling today reaffirmed my thinking and showed that most people agree.
I don't want to have to try to love my man, I want my love for him to be so true, so complete, that I just love him without even thinking about it...I'll want him and only him. I won't have to try to be ethical and moral, I won't have to try to squash thoughts of other men - I'll love my man so much that he's the only one I'll want. Having stronger feelings for him than I have for others isn't good enough - I need him to be the only one I have feelings for. And I need for him to feel that way about me. I don't share, I want my man to look into my eyes and see only me, I need him to want only me. When I submit to him, I need to know that he wants my submission and only mine.
I am here, single, because I was let go several years ago by a man I had been with for a year, who just couldn't give me his whole heart. I was devastated at the time, I thought we were destined for something beautiful, I thought I loved him and I was so confused and hurt that he didn't want to "just give it more time," that he didn't want to just be happy with what we had. I was terrified of losing him, of never finding another. He kept telling me that though he cared very much about me, he had realised that he just didn't love me...and that he could see my love for him and knew that it just wasn't fair to take all of my heart when I didn't have all of his.
But, when the pain subsided and I could see the world in a happy light again, I came to respect this man more deeply than I ever had before. I respected and cared about him more after we broke up than I did when I thought I loved him. Because whilst he was perfectly content with what we had, with my gift to him, he knew in his heart that he couldn't give me the same gift. He gave me back my gift so that I could move on and find a man who wouldn't just be content with my gift, he'd love my gift with all of his heart - my ex let me free to find a complete and true love.
He could have easily given things more time, as I thought I wanted, he could have settled for what we had - but in doing so, he would have kept me from my complete and true love. And he would have deprived my future true love of my complete submission.
And though I'm still searching for my true love, I am deeply grateful for my ex's selflessness - I'm thankful that I have the chance to find the magic and I'm thankful that I'm not being held emotionally hostage in something that isn't true and complete. And that experience taught me that I would rather search forever and never find it than settle for something less.
None of this deep love happens overnight...and I know for me, whilst it will develop gradually, I won't be able to commit myself to him until I feel it completely. When I find my One, I want - I need - that magic moment where I just melt into him, where we both realise that there is no one else for us, only each other. In order to completely submit to my future partner, I need to feel his complete love for me.
I respect and love myself too much to settle for some of his love, I want all of his love...and the right man for me wouldn't settle either - so I know I can't give myself to a man, I can't commit to him, until I know in my heart that he's the one. And, however slow it has to be, I don't want him to commit to me until he knows in his heart that I'm the one...I don't want him to take my gift of submission until he knows that he will truly and completely treasure it.
I don't want someone, I want the one - I want the magic, I want the fairytale...and in order to make that magic, we have to be everything to each other.
It might take awhile, it might take forever and a day...but I want a complete and true love with Mr. Perfect For Me...and when it happens, I know it will feel truly amazing.