Saturday, 17 May 2008

Craving control and the beauty of the word “no”

I (obviously) am happier when under the leadership, guidance and control of a man than I am when left to my own devices. I’m certainly not unhappy on my own, I would just be happier, more content and better off in general if I were committed to a man who could lead and guide me. I love the feeling of security, the feeling of nurturing it provides and I love knowing that my obedience is twofold: I'm better off myself for his leadership, but I'm adding to someone else's happiness by allowing him to lead me.

I recently returned from a week-long trip back to the US, which was partly for work and partly to see family and friends. I have a standing treat for myself that whenever I go out of town, all calorie rules are off...whilst I’m normally quite careful about what and how much I eat, when I’m away, I eat whatever I want.

But, leave it to me to take something to the extreme! I almost feel obligated to eat all the time on these trips and I repeatedly take things too far, completely lacking self-control. I convince myself that I’ll later regret not eating xyz item because I can’t have it whenever I want and I think to myself that in retrospect, I’ll wish I’d eaten whatever it is. On trips to the US, this mentality is compounded because there are quite a few foods that I miss and can’t get over here in jolly old England. So I end up eating too much, feeling gross and becoming rather fixated on food and then when I get home and get on the scale, I feel horrible and I get mad at myself.

At this point in our happy little story, my ego needs the abyss of the web to know that I am quite thin and even post-holiday, I am by no means heavy :) But it's still not a good thing that I keep doing this to myself. Lol, I've a feeling that many of the female readers out there are emphatically and guiltily nodding their heads ;) Women love food. It's our thing.

This trip was really no different than any other trip and I’m now paying the price for my gluttony, frantically trying to shrink back down before I go on proper holiday (no work-related parts) next week…which, of course, means starting the whole cycle all over again! My clothes feel tight and I just feel disorganised and uncontrolled. I always manage to get back down to pre-holiday size pretty quickly upon my returns to London, but my figure is something I take quite a bit of pride in…I don’t enjoy damaging it. Unfortunately, I very much enjoy the activity that causes said damage ;)

And while I am frustrated with myself yet again, I’m also amused with the thoughts that went through my head all week. I wanted a man to stop me from myself. I wanted a man to say that no, I couldn’t have yet another piece of whatever I was eating, etc. I craved the accountability and active control that a Taken in Hand man would provide me. And I’m left to ponder why…a question I often ask myself. Why do I want to be led and, in essence, controlled by a man? Doesn’t it make me weak that I’m not more interested in or more skilled at controlling things myself?

Perhaps. But I’d like to think it’s simply my own acceptance of my feminine faults. I’m sure I’ll anger some readers by saying that women are more emotional than men, but I really think we are. My inability/unwillingness to stop myself from indulging in so many foods is because I’m thinking emotionally rather than logically. I’m being a woman.

I am compelled to respect and obey a man in large part because I see his control as an act of love and commitment. His leadership and guidance make me feel better about myself and make me feel wanted and needed.

Just as the reasons for my obedience are twofold, his leadership is too: firstly, he would control my behaviour to protect my well-being – to make me take care of myself and to prevent me from disappointing myself, such as I continue doing in this instance. I’ve managed to accomplish quite a bit in my life, but I still have weaknesses, as we all do, and one of my weaknesses is a lack of self-discipline…patience is a virtue that I do not possess. When I want something, I want it now and I’m not very adept at waiting until later. After all, what if later never comes? :) But the right man would make me wait until later, because that would be in my best interests.

But the second aspect of a man’s leadership is that he would guide my behaviour because he expects certain things from me for his own benefit…and in that respect, I love the control because it allows me to please him, despite my own lack of self-discipline getting in the way. I revel in his control because I know that my obedience pleases him and to me, his control signifies that I belong to him. He would guide my behaviour because we had committed ourselves to each other.

I’m aware of the concept of “mentoring,” where two people are basically engaging in the barebones aspect of accountability and discipline of Taken in Hand, without the monogamy, love and commitment. The man disciplines the woman, but they are not in a relationship. Whilst it seems to work for a number of people, it wouldn’t work for me because I need both components in order to be motivated to obey him. I need to feel confident not only that following his lead will lead to a better outcome for me, but also that I am making him happy in doing so. I guess I need to know that he relies on me as much as I rely on him.

So I could see the first aspect of mentoring working for me because through his control, I would be forced to wait until later to continue eating and my well-being would be ensured. But that would only take me so order to be truly motivated, I would need that second aspect.

Two of the most appealing aspects of a Taken in Hand relationship, to me, are the ease of conflict resolution and the protection of the woman’s well-being. Within a Taken in Hand relationship, both of these aspects are dealt easily and effectively with through control and discipline.

In a traditional relationship, my man would simply be silently annoyed with my gluttony. He wouldn’t dare say anything to me because in modern times, a man is not allowed to call a woman on her faults, he’s supposed to pretend that she’s perfect and moreover, that she is independent and doesn’t need any help or input from him. When a woman asks if she looks fat in an outfit she’s wearing, the man is supposed to lie and say no. If a woman is eating too much, the man is supposed to be silent about his disdain toward her behaviour.

I know of such a couple…the woman once had a perfect figure, she was a beautiful bride and she took great pride in her appearance. But lately, she has gained a large amount of weight and she and her husband are both frustrated. She’s frustrated with her appearance and with his obvious disdain for her appearance. The husband is obviously frustrated…torn between his want for her to be happy again and for her to take care of herself and with his modern obligation to remain silent about her gluttonous behaviour. The latter mentality was winning when I last saw them and given that they are not (to my knowledge) in a Taken in Hand relationship, all he can really do is verbalise his frustration and disdain…verbalisations that are received by her as insults and then the two of them eventually argue over it and the issue remains unresolved.

It’s a never-ending vicious cycle. She needs guidance, but in today’s world, he isn’t supposed to give it…and as a result, her well-being is suffering and they are in constant conflict. It doesn’t seem like a very happy way to be.

Were I in her shoes, I would know that my husband simply wouldn’t allow that behaviour. I wouldn’t have reached the weight level that she has, because he would have stopped my behaviour before it reached unreasonable levels. And there wouldn’t be any conflict because we would both know that his word is final…and that he is allowed and even expected to express the otherwise verboten honesty required to change my behaviour…because that honesty would be in my best interests. I wouldn't take offence at his comments because I would know that he was doing what needed to be done.

But, in my current reality, on my own…I struggle back and forth, left to keep myself in check for now. I’m not in danger of reaching the weight levels that my friend has reached, because I am just too in love with being thin and I do behave myself most of the time…but I do wish I had someone to keep me from this particular roller coaster :)

So, after that long ramble...I find myself prepping for this next holiday, wishing for a bit of loving control :)


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Anonymous said...

I am really identifying with so much of what you have said. Thank you! You are expressing this so much better than I can.