I’m afraid I just don’t have the energy right now to finish that post on the selflessness of dominance…but I have a bit of a different topic that I do have the energy to write about:
Regret and the uselessness of fixating on it, despite the fact that you can’t help but indulge in it sometimes. And further, that women lead with their hearts…we seem to have to make an extra effort to think logically. It’s a catch-22: I, as a woman, make decisions emotionally, a trait that the right man for me will find endearing. But for now, on my own, it is my worst detriment. And finally, that sometimes you just have to believe that everything happens for a reason…that there should be no such thing as regret because something better will come along. I’m trying to have faith in that last one, really I am.
At the end of the day, I have to think I’m strong enough and courageous enough to hold out for the right thing and that I’m not going to settle for mediocrity. Because I deserve the right thing…and more importantly, because that future right guy deserves a woman who thinks the world of him, not a woman who’s just settled for him.
Ever since I realised that I want and need a TiH relationship, I’ve maintained that I won’t settle…that though what I want feels like a fairytale, I’m convinced that somewhere out there, it exists…that he exists. I try to believe – and I usually do – that everything in life is a lesson, that my fairytale will happen someday and that the longer it takes, I will just be that much more sure that it really is the fairytale. But sometimes I’m terrified that it never will…that I’ve made too many wrong choices, missed too many tiny windows of hope for it to ever happen. After all, how many chances do we each get in life? Perhaps I’ve used all of mine up.
I’m feeling a bit of a sting today and when you couple the sting with lots of little things going wrong lately, I was awake all night last night, indulging in regret whilst staring at the ceiling cursing myself for stupid mistakes. Mistakes of the heart. Feminine mistakes.
I mentioned a few weeks ago that the TiH profile of a man I met once is now listed as “no longer available,” and that I wondered if he’d met someone, if he might even be married. Well, deep in introspection last night, I spent awhile doing what we all do from time to time, Googling people I haven’t seen or heard from in forever.
I discovered that a few more high school classmates are married, I discovered that a friend I’ve long since lost touch with moved across the US, to the dreaded west coast :) And then the sting…I discovered – I’m quite sure at least – that the man I once met from the TiH site has, in fact, married. And a few clicks later, using my elephant-like memory and the realisation that there were too many coincidences of names and events for it not to be so, I realised that he married the woman who I think he met just the day before he and I met.
The details are a long story and not one I would tell here, lest I divulge things that should remain private, but the summary is, I am quite sure that this gentleman married a woman he met just before he met me. Whilst it’s entirely possible that there wouldn’t have been any chemistry between he and I anyway, as it was, I never stood a chance. When he and I met face to face, she had just snapped up his heart and I no longer mattered to him. Bad timing.
And it’s very possible and likely that if it weren’t for my own mistakes and bad timing, then I could have met him weeks earlier, when his heart was still available. It is also, of course, entirely possible that I have no reason for regret…that he just didn’t want me and whether or not he’d met someone else is irrelevant.
But, I am knee deep in regret right now for poor timing, for misplaced priorities and thinking with my heart, for bad luck. Not really over him specifically, more over what this signifies in the bigger picture - the continuing trend across my life. When I finally responded to his profile, I had been all over the map emotionally for the previous six weeks and was delaying moving on to better things because I was trying to change the past.
I’m too picky for my own good and I’ve met many men where there just wasn’t anything there…we all have, I think. But I’ve met a few who I just really clicked with, right off the bat. And for the six weeks before I replied to this gentleman’s profile, I’d been on an emotional roller-coaster, thinking I’d met the perfect man elsewhere…twice.
So, due to my wallowing, due to the regret that I was fixated on over these other men – men I now look back on and wonder what on earth I was attracted to – I delayed meeting someone who quite likely was the fairytale. I delayed things for so long that I missed my window with him, if there was one.
Part of missing the window was that I responded to my ex’s profile first. And though I don’t regret that part in the slightest even now, most of it was due to wallowing in regret over the wrong men. I was wallowing over nothing.
After this gentleman and I met - after over a month of intense email and phone communication - and he said he didn’t feel any chemistry, I went through the weeks of wallowing, of wishing for things to have turned out differently.
But, I went on to feel happy and ecstatic weeks later when I met my now ex, who was everything I’d been looking for and more, and I put aside every last feeling of regret for guy #2. I heard from him at about that time and he said he’d met someone…and there were hints that I was right, that they’d met just before we did.
But here we are, nearly two and a half years later, I’m back to square one – guy #1 didn’t want to spend forever with me, guy #2 is spending forever with another woman…and I’ve just spent the past six months putting entirely too much energy and hope into a man who wasn’t the fairytale. Yet again, I followed my heart and not my head and ignored the fact that he just doesn't want the fairytale as much as I do, and in a way, I let myself get used and thrown away...not a pleasant thought. But overall, the worst part is that I had myself on mental hold for six months, waiting for someone who didn't want me...possibly missing out on someone who does.
And the moral of the story is that I spent many an hour last night, laying in bed, wondering what could have been if I had responded to guy #2’s profile when I first saw it, when I had more time to capture his heart…when I was too preoccupied with regret to muster the energy to respond. I wondered where I would be right now if I hadn't been pining over this other man for the last six months.
In other words, it’s a viscous cycle. I’m sitting here regretting my regret! Exactly what I shouldn’t be doing. I don’t think I’d have met my now ex if guy #2 and I had worked out, so that’s a reason not to feel regret. I know I wouldn’t be living in the UK and I do love it here, so that’s another reason not to feel regret. Except, I can’t help but overanalyse and allow that ignorance can be bliss: if I’d never met my now ex, I wouldn’t know that I’m better for knowing him. And, if he and I hadn’t dated, I wouldn’t know how much I love the UK…so, I don’t know.
I do know that I’m using every ounce of energy I have to quell my feminine heart just enough to get on with life…to keep my eyes open for an actual great guy who really is the fairytale…a guy who is strong enough for me to let go and legitimately let my feminine heart take over. Because the thing about regret is that you can’t change the past. You can and should learn from it, but you can’t change it. So I’d like to think that I’ve learned to keep my eyes open for great guys, to keep them open for the fakes and to learn from, but not regret, the past.
We’ll see if I can stick to that. I would like to think that I’ve finally grown enough to keep that femininity in check just long enough to find a guy who is worthy of my letting it show.