Well, I wore jeans today...I don't think I'd worn trousers of any sort in 2008 yet. Perhaps once, but I can't think of an actual instance.
But, I rationalised that since I and a friend were going to the hinterland of London's zone 3 to visit Ikea, where I hoped to procure a piece or two of small furniture, which I would then have to lug back to my Central London flat via public transportation, that jeans were the most logical thing to wear. Not exactly a skirt activity. Plus, I need to do laundry in a dire sense, so my available clothes are quite limited. So admittedly, it was also just partly laziness. And I think it was partly that I was starting to wonder what the point is. Why bother being feminine when I'm quite possibly going to remain single forever?
So, when I gathered an outfit last night, in preparation for my early Saturday start, I was feeling optimistic and bold and chose my uber-skinny jeans, which I hadn't been quite skinny enough to wear since arriving in Jolly Old England more than seven months ago. I pulled them from their "just in case" spot in the back of my wardrobe and folded them neatly on my dressing table.
Awaking this morning, I got myself dressed and lo and behold, the jeans fit! I'd been angry with myself at the beginning of this past week, having taken a quick weekend holiday last weekend and gained gobs of weight, but I was good as gold this week and it seems I'd shed the weight already.
But with that momentary glee over, I stood in front of my full length mirror and tried - unsuccessfully - to see the cuteness in my outfit. I was also wearing trainers, again, due to the Ikea trip, but my trainers are pink...and my fleece top is pink. So shouldn't that suffice for femininity?
Maybe. It certainly does for most women. My only comfort, as I shrugged at my frumpy look and headed out the door, was that at least for once I'd fit in with all the other women around me. My default dress/skirt outfit often makes me the oddball in a group and though I'm happy to be classically feminine, I often do feel overly formal. Plus, I scoffed, I was going to zone 3 ;) Who cares who sees my outfit?
But as I sat in the sparsely occupied tube carriage and looked around me, it didn't feel good to fit in. I was envious of the one woman in our carriage who wore a skirt. She wasn't actually dressed very carefully or very well, but she was in a skirt. And suddenly, I felt like just another modern unfeminine woman...I fit in, but it wasn't a good feeling.
I did, in fact, obtain 2 very bulky and heavy things at Ikea...one of which I have to assemble, god help me. But though I did give a very good effort, there was to be no way I and my two purchases were going home via public transportation. So I snagged a mini-cab from the convenient queue in the store and off we went. So far, my jeans hadn't served much of the intended purpose. But, admittedly, they were quite comfy.
After arriving home and resting for a bit, scowling at the boxes of furniture in my flat's front hall, I decided to "get changed" and go out to do my planned afternoon errands. You see, I did plan to change into proper attire later in the day. I hadn't really thought out the specifics, since there was still the laundry issue, but I was determined to be properly dressed whilst back in Central London. The jeans were only meant for the Ikea adventure.
I'm sad to report that I changed my mind. I rationalised that with the blister damage to my feet my 5.6 mile walk to work and back everyday has done lately, my poor feet deserved to stay in my trainers. And I wasn't about to wear a skirt and trainers, I hate that look...and there was still the laundry issue. And lastly, there was the "so what" issue. I mean, how long am I going to keep looking for "him"?
So, off I went, to various points of Central London...and though my feet were certainly comfortable, my ego wasn't :( I felt utterly unfeminine today and despite my physical comfort, I missed the emotional comfort feminine dress provides.
I think the reality is that despite the inconveniences of it, I really am feminine to the core. Perhaps I don't need a "him" to be feminine, perhaps I just am. Jean Day was just unpleasant. My skirt-coordinating shoes may hurt, my calorie watching may make me crave food in an indescribably painful way, but I'll continue to follow my feminine ideals of skirts and thinness, because overall, it just feels better.
Tomorrow, I have fun errands to run and they include some rather posh London spots...and to keep myself feminine and confident, I will put the jeans back in the back of my wardrobe and I will dress properly.
Now...about that furniture that needs assembling...