You know, I went to post and...I hadn't realised how long it had been since I'd last posted. Time flies I guess...but in the meantime, I've been doing my usual - falling further in love with London and the UK. But at the same time, I'm not really coming across anyone who seems like Mr. Right, or anyone who sees me as Ms. Right.
But, having just perused the personals section of the Taken in Hand site, I discovered that not only had the page been updated, but also that a man I once met in person, who also had a personal there, is now "no longer available." I guess that means he met someone. Maybe he's even married.
We met more than two years ago, only briefly, and he just didn't feel anything for me, so we never pursued anything...life goes on and it did for me, but it's just one more thing to make me think that it's just too late for me.
Not necessarily too late to find someone someday, in some capacity...but too late to have the dream I wanted, too late to find Mr. Nearly Perfect and start a family with him, to have that perfectly old-fashioned and happy family life I wanted where the man leads.
I'm 30 years old...nearly closer to 31 than to 29 and not only am I no closer to finding "him" than I was when I first realised what I truly wanted, at a wee 27 back then...but I think my other life wants and choices have moved me farther away from finding him, rather than closer.
I really and truly love London, and I love British culture. I'm taking my first big trip away from London and into the rest of the UK over Easter, to a quiet luxurious spa weekend away to Cardiff, by myself...and whilst I'm utterly, completely looking forward to it, a big part of me wishes I were off to some little romantic getaway. A weekend where I was pampering "him" and not just boringly pampering myself. In fact, it's made me daydream a bit painfully of how I might pamper him. I want nothing more than to spend every second of every day making "his" life happier. I'd give up massages for the rest of my life if I could pamper that nearly perfect Mr. Right, but life doesn't always work out the way we want it to.
I suppose I'm a bit crazy that the idea of bending over backwards to pamper a man is more appealing to me than feeling that pampering myself, but it is...and yet it's a torturous want I may never have. It's also that I want guidance and control in my life that isn't there. It's that elusive complete package...I'm decently attractive, I'm decently intelligent, I could find someone. I just don't think I'm going to find the someone.
Work is in an annoying holding pattern, through mostly no fault of my own, and I have a new boss I think the world of, but it's just...I don't know. Work has never been fulfilling to me and it never will be - it pays for the rest of my life and that's it. But regardless, I think it might be time to adjust my life expectations. I live in one of the coolest cities in the world, in a country I love more than nearly anything, I have a great group of friends, my job pays well...I have far more than many people, maybe that has to be enough. But at the same time, I feel like I'm just making do with a life that's less than. It's frustrating and a bit depressing to me that I seem to have achieved everything a person should want in life, except the one thing I really and truly want.
Maybe my daydream is just that, a daydream. It's 2008, not 1958, and what I want may no longer exist. British men - conditioned by being surrounded by what appear to be ultra-independent British women - don't seem to be interested in a traditional relationship...so by living in the country and city I love, I can't find what I want and need in a man.
I could keep looking and being let down...or I could change course and be happy with what I have in life and forget about about what I never will have. And put that way, is it really worth pining over what I quite obviously can't have? No, of course not, but that want doesn't seem to be something I can just turn off. So, now what?
I don't want to settle for someone I don't feel compatible with and yet constantly wanting what I can't have is a bit torturous. So, the only solution seems to be to just give up. I'm really starting to think that what I want is so old-fashioned that it just doesn't exist in the 21st century.
I don't know...I guess I'm just sick of wishing for a level of leadership and control I'll never have. So, with that said...perhaps this uber-femininity is all for naught. Maybe, in the grand scheme of things, it just doesn't matter. I just don't know.