Monday, 5 November 2007

The Uniqueness of Taken in Hand

As I've said in my profile, I've been in four long-term relationships with a power dynamic of some sort. The first three were D/s and BDSM oriented...I've never been the goth type and it really didn't fit me, but it was the only way I knew of to have that control aspect in a relationship. When I realised that I just couldn't stomach the theatrics and trashiness that accompanies that lifestyle, I went back to trying conventional dating. I wanted an environment where I could (and was expected to be) a lady, not a slut. But then I found myself frustrated with the egalitarian dynamic...I felt like I was dating a bunch of wimps and the connection felt completely empty. Plus, in these egalitarian situations, I wasn't expected to be slutty...but I wasn't expected to be a lady either. Often, my choice of a dress for a first date was seen as overdressed...sad, but true.

And then I somehow started comprehending that there was a third option...I don't really remember how the thought process started, but I found myself Googling about "traditional relationships" and "domestic discipline," and then one day, I found the Taken in Hand site and I felt like I'd found the magic formula. I'd found a framework for a relationship with real control, old-fashioned ideals and none of the theatrics and trashiness. The more I read, the more I was sure that this was what I wanted.

But even if you take out my need for a Taken in Hand dynamic in a relationship, I'm still very picky about dating. I have appearance wants in a man, I want him to be of a similar background as me, I want him to have some of the same interests, I want him to be family other words, while I need a Taken in Hand man and further, I need a man who shares a very similar idea to my own of what Taken in Hand is, I also need a man who fits me in every other way. I want the fairytale. I may be crazy and I may never find it, but settling for less is just too depressing.

The fourth long-term relationship that I had was perfect as far as Taken in Hand goes. It's funny, when we first met, I found him too strict. We butted heads in those first few weeks, with me feeling that he had ridiculously high expectations, that he was too focused on being in control. But he quietly pushed and soon I grew into his control and eventually, I loved it. I found his confidence in himself as a leader, his perfectionism and his high expectations sexy and masculine...and I felt like his insistence that I live up to those expectations meant that he thought highly of me. He knew I could meet them and I usually did...I learned to trust his judgment completely and I grew as a person because of it. And we did share many of the same interests...we'd had very similar upbringings and liked many of the same things. Much of what attracted me to him was that he was, at the same time, an intellectual and a jock. He could rattle on about historical details and politics, but he was also an avid athlete and very devoted to his favourite football team.

But he didn't feel what I felt...he didn't feel that intense romantic connection that I did...and that was the death of the relationship. He didn't do anything wrong, I still very much respect his leadership abilities and his masculinity...and I respect him as a person, but you can't force romance. He could no more pretend that he loved me than I could pretend to be dominant :) I walked away from that relationship with an even more concrete picture of my ideal relationship. Because though I want my man to be in control, though I want him to fit a certain physical and personality ideal, I need him to want me as much as I want him. Otherwise, it's not the fairytale.

So here I am, with a perfect picture of the relationship I own fairytale...and yet sometimes I wonder if I've done too much soul-searching. I'm so sure of what I want that I'm not sure it really exists.

Will I ever find a man who exercises quiet control, who demands that I wear skirts and dresses and act like a lady, who sets rules and follows through in maintaining them? Who loves to travel and dine at different restaurants, trying new wines as we go? Who enjoys cultural things and yet feels no guilt in ditching me to go watch the football game? Who wants his woman to be his best friend and soulmate?

Is my fairytale just that? Or does it actually exist?

1 comment:

aquariux said...

By going through your different posts, I thought that this single word "friend" was missing. But you have it here and also at the end of your ad: "Most of all, I want a best friend, my greatest confidant."